h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The tree had one pear. The partridge fled in panic as two unfriendly eyes opened on its neck.

"I'm Baddington Pear, the fruit you dare not meet in a dark alley,"
it rasped.

My true love bought the Halloween version by mistake.

"Leo, why is the Great Pyramid in our yard?"

"I had it delivered," he admitted.

"Why?"

"So I can have an authentic mummy costume."

"It's Halloween. Suppose the mummies come to life?"

"Wait! What's that sound?"

"The mummies, laughing at your costume."

The Countdown




The tension steadily increased, as exquisitely slowly, the diminishing numbers flashed on the digital indicator, ...9... ...8... ...7...

One found oneself counting audibly in unison, anticipating the conclusion of the countdown, ...2... ...1... ...0!

...popping open the microwave door---

Coffee!!!

This morning’s team-building exercises are to build a workable lightsaber, a sonic screw driver, a magic wand with core, tricorder and food replicator. Then once you have completed the activities you must present a slide-show presentation and provide lunch using the replicator.

"I'd like to go to the Halloween party as a character from movies or TV."

"How about going as Mr. Spock from 'Star Trek'"?

"That sounds good."

"Or how about that canary that Sylvester chases?"

"Oh, I get it. Trek or Tweet."

In late autumn we seem to always get very mild, wild, wet and windy weather that seems to drag on for weeks. We rarely ever get snow in the UK but when it does it always comes when we least expect it.

The winds that are coming from the west will be giving us a rain and wind fest. Could turn colder at the end of January due to northern blocking along with the winds coming the east that’ll bring us a snow feast.

The gurus are wrong!

A bird in the hand just gives you a messy hand.

Go ahead and push the river.

Early to bed, early to rise? Not the best way to get dates.

Microsoft Word, to the wise, is hardly sufficient.

"Microsoft Word, to the wise, is hardly sufficient." [paulh]

Doesn't this belong in the pun thread?

Not that it matters, but....

Do Chinese people eat cheesecake with chopsticks?

Poinsettias are subtropical, so why do we expose them to cold drafts and let people sneeze on them?

Niagara Falls, but it always seems to be in the same place.

Zombie reindeer craved Santa's brains.

When Western New York state got snowed in, rescue workers had
to shovel off to Buffalo.

How could baby Jesus sleep with all those angels singing?

How did the animals eat with a baby in their manger?

Today at Noon
I saw the Moon
Was green.

"Bad omen!" said I.
"We all must die
By 6:15."

"Not necessarily,"
The Moon said. "Barely
A sign

Am I, just an ornament
For the sky's adornment
At Christmas time."

Peace, love, joy!

Join the Sith

Embrace the dark side by eating dark chocolate in the dark and keeping people in the dark about the true identity of the dark knight ‘Bruce Wayne’ and become passionate about eating passion fruit and reading passionate novels written by Barbara Cartland.

Happy New Year Apocalypse !



"The world's about to end," said the robed man.

"When?" I asked.

"December 31."

"That was yesterday. The world's still here."

"Tomorrow, then. Or soon after."

"How will it end?"

"The sky will fall."

"We'll just get another."

"Through Time And Space With Ferdinand Feghoot"

...a sometimes popular genre of brief tales culminating in a pun of atrocious character enjoying periodic vogues in the science fiction magazines,including "Fantasy and Science Fiction" magazine and "Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction among others...




Ferdinand Feghoot, supping Orkik swill, asking how it was made, was informed that it was distilled from dog's watering tubs where fluid contents of fruits and vegetables cans were fermented until sufficiently alcoholic, to celebrate the traditional Orkik holiiday, 'Hound Grog Day'.

All the other farmers were growing free-range vegetables,
so Jedediah planted some.

He watched his seeds sprout tiny legs which carried them
to the best locations for growth.

Then he sent drones to harvest them, as they were too far away.

"I reserved a table at Belle Epoque for our anniversary."

"Aren't they always booked solid."

"There's an opening in 2073."

"We'll be 80 by then!

"We'll use Junior's time machine."

In 2073:

"Six million dollars for a salad?"

"Blame inflation!"

Our time travel was a disaster! Inflation made our meal unaffordable.
An elderly couple at the next table offered to pay for our meal.

"It's our anniversary too," the woman explained. "Here's a list
of stocks to buy."

"They're us!" I exclaimed.

You’ve entered the Twilight Zone of the Outer Limits where life has become very strange for the people of Aberdeenshire who have been transformed into the wizarding community of Harry Potter that’s slowly taking over Scotland and the rest of the UK.