h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"What did we hit, Ted?"

"A mutant cow from the Sixth Dimension, Alice."

"I'm relieved."

"Why?"

"It could have been a spy for Monaco."

"Actually, it was."

"Monaco uses cows?"

"They'll stop at nothing."

"Let's have Bob and Carol over for steak."

Alternate reality where Ancient Roman was full of conquering bureaucrats

The Ancient Romans came to our lands, and they fell about laughing when they saw what they came to conquest. They conquered us through listening to their tedious speeches and their eccentric obsessions with committee meetings and ruling with us with bureaucracy.

After Jesus was born, the dark stable brightened up with the light that emanated from the baby. Unfortunately the manger was empty, so Jesus didn't have straw to lie on.

"Joseph," said Mary, why don't you make hay while the son shines?"

And there were in the insane county shepherds, washing their socks by night. The angle of the Lord peered at them. They were sore and frayed. A multitude of angles said "Gloria? Oh God, where's Gloria?" Gloria was apparently missing, so they left

"We're lost," said Melchior.

"I blame Befanna," said Balthazzar.

"Why me?" Befanna demandeded.

"You get lost at the drop of a hat," Caspar said.

"You're bringing perfume to a baby," Befanna pointed out. I'm bringing him weapons."

"Why?"

"Herod wants him dead."

“In my opinion that the UK will be getting two months of rain in one day with hurricane strength winds, causing widespread floods. A Fortnight of severe frost will only decrease the chances of getting any colder weather”, said the pessimistic meteorologist.

Rats.
Giant swaybacked potbellied rats.
Dyspeptic ginger rats.
Rats with combed-over hair.
Garbage-loving rats in dumpsters.
Caviar-swilling rats in fancy mansions.
Rats stinking of whiskey breath.
Rats breaking wind at ballet performances.
Who elected them?
John Q Public.
You.

Granny Wan Kenobi went to get the Darth Country Roses
tea set from her cupboard, but the Deathstar was there instead.

"No cups," she lamented, "and the Duchess of Yoda is due any minute.

Moral: Darth Country isn't everyone's cup of tea.

The Abstractions Body Parts store has everything you need:

--Horns from the finest dliemmas
--Fate's finger, in pristine condition
--The jaws of victory, only used once!
--Instinct's gut
--Everything two-faced for the price of one.
--There's nothing articial: No false fronts.

"Miss Cowhammer?"

"Yes?"

"It's detective Sleuthby. We know who killed your sister."

"Who?"

"Blirney Twarkle."

"The detective? Isn't he always the good guy?"

"In his own mystery stories he is. In other people's stories, he's a killer."

"How awful!"

"I'm dangerous in Blirney's stories."

"This is the best tea I've ever tasted!"

"That's our Australian blend."

"Australian! How are they to grow tea there?"

"They use koalas. Koala droppings are an important fertilizer. No tea gets shipped until a koala tastes it. It's koala tea control."

"Staying dead is easier than staying alive," said Thorston Thanator.
"No taxes to pay, no fretting about useless relatives..."

"What of the undead?" Eustace Muermaid wondered.

"That's a door best closed. Ajar, it lets the worst through."

"Gin and tonic?"

"With arsenic."

"I shouldn't scoff at the undead," Thorston said.

"Why not?"

"I may be one of them. So far I've survived arsenic, botulin, ptomaine, cancer, and plague."

"Only the good die young."

"So I'll give to the poor. I just won't join them!"

In today's news......

--Earthquakes in California. Geologists are blaming San Andreas, though she says it's not her Fault.

--Sinkholes have opened up in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Some tourists fallen into the Zasu Pitts and the Eddy Fissure. Police advise caution.

"How was your vacation?"

"Wonderful! I went mountain climbing in Florida, then rode Desert Toads in the Sonoran Desert."

"Weren't they too small?"

"They weigh a ton, but none were available."

"Why not?"

"A group of Muslims for Trump were riding all of them."

"Wow! A cat! I thought this was the 5th dimension of Mister Mxyzptlk and Bat Mite!"




Twitching her whiskers and waving her fluffy tail, the cat replied, "Noaw, this is owr dimension. Bat Mite and Mister Mxyzptlk is how we see you."

This is the all-Haydn radio station.

Today's news: researchers have taken time machines to the 1770's and photographed Haydn scores that were later destroyed by fire: 360 previously unknown Haydn compositions! Symphonies, quartets, concertos!

Now, if they'd brought recording equipment too....

Custer was a second-rate shapeshifter, but the Circus didn't mind. He was the elephant in the parade, the tiger that jumped through hoops. But when he was the lion, he ate the tamer, so now he's the pie that Bozo throws.

"Welcome to the Pest Shop. How may we annoy you?"

"You can't. My wife, however...."

"A gift for her? Something unendearing?"

"Yes. She dresses in black. The sofa and rugs? Black!"

"How about a white Angorra cat?"

"Perfect."

"With white mice?"

"Naturally!"

"President Roland Krunk and his wife are here tonight."

"But she's a giant toad."

"She crossed over from the 12th Dimension. Ony toads can survive there."

"Yikes! She just ate a lobbyist!"

"Toads get hungry."

"What's stopping her from eating Krunk?"

"Indigestion."