h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

THE STRANGE AND THE SILLY [Drama]

"Jeff, is the Tincanic still sinking?"

"Yes, Mom. I'll play 'Nearer my God to thee' again soon."

"It's been sinking for thirty days."

"Here it's been thirty minutes."

"Why?"

"Soap opera time's different from real time."

Odysseus and his men found a cave overlooking a beach. The cave had milking pens for goats, and some cheeses. Odysseus sent a scout to inspect the cave. The scout was chased by a cyclops. "Captain," he said, here's something you Odyssey!"

"Jane Canary was smart," Diamond Jim Plutocrat admitted.
"Wouldn't enter without dibs on the first thing she found.
Came out with a diamond. The other canaries did, too. Together,
they bought the mine."

"You retired?"

"No. I look for fool's gold now."

"The flying prunes of El Dorado return on April 5th every year."

"How can they fly?"

"Poorly."

"If they stayed in El Dorado, they wouldn't have to fly so much."

"El Dorado doesn't exist, so it's a hard place to stay in."

Take a hike to Hawick.
Have a walk in the park.
Take a stroll around a Maypole.
Have a jog in the fog and jump over a log.
Skip when eating a chip.
Run in a fun run dressed as a nun.

It's an alternative universe.

No one at Valhalla can figure out the Rinse Cycle, so Wotan
brings his dirty laundry to Richard Wagner's laundromat.

Wagner offers to open and run a laundromat at Valhalla.

The cycle ends where it began: dirty clothing.

By the shores of Gucci Gimme,
With their sparkling vitamin water,
Stood the tent of dear old Nordstrom.
Dark behind it rose the Pine Mall,
Where the little Hiawatha
Hunted teddy bears in Pottery Barn Kids,
Chasing Minnie Ha Ha through Macy's.

The monthly team building seminar

Four people stand around a box and use the power of their minds to transform the box into a TARDIS. They’ll enter it and use the chameleon arch to alter their DNA which gives them two hearts that will beat as one.

"Wanted: gardener for the entrance to Hell."

Not your usual Help Wanted notice!

"What plants would I be tending?" I asked the demon in charge.

"Blackhearted Susans, Hostile Lilies, Witchhazel, and Devil's paintbrush."

"Wages? Retirement benefits?"

"No retirement! Death's a prerequisite."

Beethoven mounted the podium to conduct his next symphony. He had brought a bottle, mistaking it for a baton.

"Which symphony is this?" Lord Alzheimer said to his wife. "And
what's he using for a baton?"

"That's Beethoven's fifth," his wife replied.

The Ancients Romans soldiers conquered the Ancient Britons with their dull and uninspiring, boring speeches which put everyone to sleep as they droned on about their senators who enjoyed the sound of their own voices when they met up at the forum.

Meanwhile, at the Abandon Hope cafe.....

"Let's kill the environment."

"Good idea! But not on an empty stomach."

"Fine. Waiter, I'll have a crudburger and two sides of fried glop."

"A medium Toxic Sludge for me -- decaf, with genetically modified soy milk."

The board meeting was going very badly.

"Our new line of robots is a failure," the head of marketing moaned.

"Why is that?" I asked.

"People fear that artificial intelligence will make people obsolete."

In that case, why not try artificial stupidity?"

The Beast from the East has finally arrived

The wind from Siberia has given us cold weather along with the Scandinavian High. Heavy snow showers will be coming sending the cold weather fans over come with excitement. They will be fainting in their droves when watching the snow fall heavily.*



*Cold weather for British Isles and Ireland

IF THE SIGNS FIT.....

Walk on the grass. You know you want to.

No authorized personnel allowed.

We'd like to thank you, but we won't.

Your call means nothing to us.

Go ahead and make a U-turn.

Private property, great for trespassing.

How to impress an extraterrestrial

Recharge the nanowave combustion engine by reversing the aft temporal isotope shifter. If the nadion thrust assembly goes offline, power must be rerouted through the deuterium flow regulators. Unspam the dorsal dilithium density infuser, that’ll reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

Forty two words? You need fortitude to reply. I say this with tongue in cheek as I spit in your eye. Who thought of this trash I wonder? After all it's my fault into it, did blunder. That's me, now torn asunder...

A famous but arrogant composer was sitting in an
armchair, reading the paper, when in came his wife.
'You lazy bastard, I don't know why I ever married you! You do absolutely nothing!'
'Be quiet woman, can't you see I am Bizet!'

A limerick of forty-two words
May seem to be just for the birds,
But give it a chance.
Perhaps it will dance.
The word count here comes to two-thirds.

I'll write a few more lines,
Til the word count properly defines.

I demand a recount!