h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The pigs were enjoying a light midmorning snack when the
oldest one stopped eating.

"What's wrong, Practical?" one of them asked.

"I thought I heard Porky laughing."

"So? He's laughed before."

"Yes, and every time the Wolf appeared."

"He laughs wolf? Yikes!"

"Tchaicowsky's greatest ballet was 'Sheepish beauty,"
said the composer Rodrigoat.

"Why?" the kids asked.

"Because the wool industry was thwarted by a courageous
witch who put a girl to sleep at her spinning wheel. Then
she grew lots of tasty thorns.

I hadn't felt like myself for a long time.

People asked, "If you aren't you, who are you?"

One day I was in a terrible car accident. I was comatose
for weeks. When I woke up, I said, "I'm still not me."

When I was a child, life was at a slower pace than it is now. I lived in the close-knit mining town of Ashington where the weather was seasonable. During the school holidays we went to coach trips to Scotland and Yorkshire.

I remember my youth, a period of misspent time.

When I was in school, my friends liked coach trips.

I was different.

I liked to trip coaches.

I went to the Raging Bull Restaurant to eat. I tipped cows.

What wonderful days!

It was after midnight. I was hungry. I headed for Evil Lord
Cafe.

Grendel's Mother handed me a menu. "Orc chili and Dementor soup
are the day's specials," she said.

Vlad the Impaler's kebab looks good."

"Well done or still pleading?"

Of all the song cycles about dead babies, "Kindertotengeezers" is
the strangest. The texts don't mention how the poet knew such
elderly babies. Were they decrepit when they came out of elderly mothers' wombs? Did the poet have unresolved fetishes about grandmothers?

"The new kid is odd."

"The one with a green spiky topknot on his head?"

"Yeah. His skin is yellow, his pants are tapered, and he wears straw sandals."

"I hear He won't eat salads."

"They say he was raised by carrots."

"Beware the Isle of the Sea Squirrels," I was warned.

I needed fresh water, though. The squirrels looked harmless. Back
at sea, I heard rustling in the crow's nest. I climbed the mast, finding an acorn palm covered with squirrels!

Squirrel apocalypse!

Black-Eyed Susan married Johnny Jump-Up. Jack-in-the-Pulpit presided. Susan wore Ladyslippers. Violet and Lily of the Valley were bridesmaids. Bluebells rang in the steeple. Sweet William was the
Best Man.

Everything was going fine until Poison Ivy arrived.

"Next applicant?"

"Hi. I'm interested in the job opening."

"What are your qualifications?"

"I'm quite proficient at light housekeeping.
I can dust, mop, wax, and do a variety of cleaning chores."

"There's been a misunderstanding. The job involves
lighthouse keeping. Next applicant!"

"Leadweight Beerhovel is a composer who hates music.
Leadweight, why do you compose?"

"Music fills my dreams. My shrink said, 'Write it down
to get it out of your head.'"

"'Entropy variations,' 'Schlocktet for annoying instruments,'
...."

"My nephew gives conductors the scores...."

Beset by woes, I found myself in a dark wood wandering. Perched atop the next hill was a well-known guru.

"Guru, I need your help," I said. "I'm here to find the truth."

"And I'm here to escape it," he grumbled.

Hi I am Deadpool aka the merc with a mouth who is an expert tailor, fighter, and comedian. I am the master of breaking the 4th floor and of my many references to pop culture which will appear in this comic-book story.

"Today we interview the man with a tough choice to make in
November: Mr. Clinton Trump of Dilemmahorn Springs. Mr. Trump, do
you plan to vote?"

"Of course. President Wilson deserves another term."

"This is not 1916."

"Tell that to Donald, then!"

All the reporters in town rushed to the scene of the protest, expecting tensions to reach the boiling point. The police took out their tear gas canisters and began spraying.

Suddenly everyone starting laughing helplessly.

Who substituted laughing gas for tear gas?

Deadpool strikes again!

“I’ve just been having a handbag fight with Cable after we were discussed Star Wars canon. Then we were both interrupted by our fans asking for our autographs. The only I could escape was say I had to do my grocery shopping.”

It is 1836. 104-year-old Joseph Haydn emerges from stasis and writes a symphony, "The Surprised Clock." Haydn falls asleep without writing more movements. Reaction varies: Princess Victoria says, "We are amused," but three-year-old Brahms cries. Mozart stays dead.

Hi, it’s Deadpool with my best friend Cable; at Comic-con. We signed autographs where members of the audience asked questions about our upcoming film. I interviewed stars of my favourite Marvel TV shows who gave me insider information on new plot twists.”

"Today's guest, Putin Horsecart, has come up with a new diet plan. Tell us how it works, Putin."

"I call it the LISEDF diet...."

"Which means?"

"Life is short, Eat dessert First. Then don't eat the meal that should have preceded it."