h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wizards were turning into muggles at an alarming rate.

Hogwarts had to close, as professor Flitwick went to work for a circus sideshow and Professor Sprout opened a greenhouse.

Hermione got a degree in library science and worked at the reference desk.

My book tour was exhausting. My hotel room was always arranged the way
Mom arranged it. I smelled her perfume. I saw her in the audience.

My book was titled "Mom, I'm 30. You don't need to pick up after me anymore."

The Galactic Federation of Technobabble alien civilisations

Alien representatives resolve all their disputes through their technological tournaments to assess who is the most eccentric civilisation. They are judged on their telepathic Technobabble and their techno gadgets where the one that impresses the judges the most is declared the winner.

"I'm taking a druid spacecraft to the 42nd Dimension. Can I get you anything?"

"We're out of mule milk and oat bran cream puffs."

"My Amish computer says we can't afford them."

"Raise the money by selling the ship."

"But it's borrowed."

The Parsley of Framson listens to Howlin' River and Muddy Wolf
sing the blues.

Then a blue potato goes on stage to sing "My way."

"Let's hear it for ol' Blue Eyes," says the emcee.

Yo Yo Ma talks to yo' mama.

Two years ago, my sister was sold to the Gypsies
for a wide-screen TV.

Last year, my brother was sold, for a dishwasher.

"We're selling you to the circus," they told me today.

"Why not the Gypsies?"

"We'd like an elephant."

It is a universe in which there are many libraries but
only one book. The book is too large to fit in the libraries.

A library large enough to hold the book is built.

Thousands flood the library, but the book won't open.

My cat Simba purrs gently when he washes himself when sitting by the radiator. When he has finished he hops onto the window to watch the world outside observing the cars driving down the road and the people walking by our home.

There are three types of war, grasshopper: muscular, nucular, and secular.

In muscular war, those with the biggest muscules win.
In nucular war, those with the biggest nucules win.
In secular war, The male secule fights the female secule. No one wins.

This door must remain closed at all times. If you need to enter the building, climb in the window. If the window is jammed, climb the fire escape and open the skylight.

Also, beware of the large alligator directly
below the skylight.

Miss Fletchmarp, Bionic Private Eye

She had 3 clues, or was it 4? After concussions in 36 cases, she wasn't certain. Also, she was 88 and half bionic.

She read case #97. Her nemesis approached. Another concussion? Time for a bionic brain.

"Tell us, Miss Fliegendschlaf, when did you discover that sheep could fly?"

"Well, birds and sheep are the only creatures that travel
in flocks. One day, a wolf attacked my neighbor's sheep."

"And?"

"Seven lambs floated above the trees. Disguised as geese..."

"Those ferns are wearing galoshes!" Uncle Humbert exclaimed.

"I see you've discovered Violet's paintings," Mrs. Rembronet said.

"How old is she?"

"Eleven. The best artist in her school."

"But galoshes on ferns?"

"It's a phase. Plus, mutant plants from that nuclear dump...."

From The Good News Enquirer:

Happy Last Days of Prailorn Floopsind

Once voted the world's most miserable man, Floopsind has achieved unexpected happiness on his deathbed. "Jesus, Buddha, and Santa visit me daily to say they love me," he says. "Death rocks!"

"Are you the undead?

"I'm the half-dead."

"How so?"


"Mom was alive, Dad was dead. I vary."

"You look alive to me."

"During the day, sure, but at night I show a lot of
esprit de corpse."

I am gravely disppointed."

"Johnny just shot a beast!"

"It's about time. We've had no meat in weeks. Is it red meat or white?"

"Green."

"A stray from that extraterrestrial settlement?"

"Apparently. Seven legs, two heads..."

"Beggars can't be choosers. We'll need double strength
meat tenderizer."

"We want your recipe."

"I wouldn't put something like that in front of a dog except in a real emergency."

"You say people can't tell the difference unless you tell them?"

"You shall not have my recipe for earth worm meringue pie."

"How's your translation coming?"

"Not as I'd hoped. So far, Natasha is jilting Prince Andrei. Boris would intervene, but he's up against Moose and Squirrel. Don Quixote is dueling Bruce Wayne for Evita Peron.

"Who's the author?"

"Some guy named A. Nonymous."

Some people say that the waking world is an illusion and when we sleep we enter the dream world which is more real than the waking world. Others say that we can create our own reality which will be different from others.

Fairies in Space.

Captain's Log: Star time 2 years, 3 days.

Still seeking mossy oak on Planet Fairytopia in Sector Zed.

Fairy gravity still working.

Fairy warp drive nearly defunct.

Reason why we are in space remain unclear.

Smurf involvement suspected.