h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Why on Earth did you come to Casablanca, Rick?"

"I thought the waters would heal me."

"But, M'sieur, this is a desert!"

"I blame 2Legs."

"How can you? He hasn't been born yet?"

"No, but I've seen the previews, and they aren't pretty!"

Mercury retrograde is a time for nostalgia and giving your home the retro look. It’s the ideal time to learn about local history or your family geology. It’s a good to get the 70’s retro look and listen to Fred Mercury’s music.

"Your friends are picky!" my wife exclaimed.

"People who travel by time machine often are," I replied,
"though Beethoven seems satisfied with our piano, and
Michelangelo is happily painting Helen of Troy."

"Marie Antoinette hates our cakes."

"Let's fire the cook, then."

"How was Chicago?"

"Big. Noisy. Cheering fans everywhere."

"You're the Bears' mascot. They love you."

"All Bears Airlines was great. I met Smokey,
Pooh, Yogi, and Paddington."

"I worry about the paparazzi."

"I miss the cave."

"Baby Bear has nightmares about Goldilocks..."

"With this operation you'll never smoke again," the
doctor explained, "but it's not mandatory. You're a
dragon. People will understand."

"My fiancee insists. The wedding, reception, and
honeymoon suite are in smoke-free buildings."

"It's settled, then. Care for a cigar?"

"Lookout, what do you see?"

"A ship, Captain. "

"Crew?"

"None. Just a horse with an albatross around its neck."

"Can you tell the horse's gender?"

"Female. Quite old."

"We must avoid."

"Why?"

"It's the legendary ship with an ancient mare in'er."

"Here are the plans for the fallout shelter."

"Why so big?"

"Three kitchens: vegan, vegetarian, and regular."

"Two dining rooms?"

"One smoking, one nonsmoking."

"Two coffeemakers?"

"One caffeinated, the other decaf."

"Why so many CDs and DVDs?"

"The cloud may be down."

October is National Unawareness Month.

Relax. Sip mulled cider. Let domestic violence,
endometriosis, and asthmatic honeybees be
someone else's problems.

What? The month is half over, so you'll have to work
twice as hard at being unaware?

Sorry, it slipped our minds....

"Wait! What was that sound?"

"It's the ghost of an angry chicken. Ignore it!"

"Will it attack?"

"No. Pierre's the only one who should worry."

"The chef?"

"Yes."

"What's he cooking?"

"Chicken stew. Maybe it's an angry duck. Still bad for Pierre!

[Found this on the Internet]

- Dad, are there many ghosts around here?
- There are no such things as ghosts!
- Are you sure?
- I am positive!
- But our maid says there are ghosts.
- Quick, get outside and meet me in the car!
- Why?
- We don't have a maid!

[Oy! I for got mention this was a text message communication]

At the mediums Halloween party, the bottles of liquor in the drinks cabinet were spirited away by the ghosts who poured the into the punch bowl to give it added punch. The love mediums to be happy by getting them in the party spirit.

After the Sorceror fired him, Mickey lived near
a rundown strip mall. Waving his wand, he sent the
Broom for cheap supplies.

Soon it came back with:

Neversoft toilet paper
Old Wilted Roses plates
Captain Crud cereal
Regresso Soup
Banquit frozen dinners

“Hello, I’m Estella Bass; please can I speak to the manager.”
“The manager is busy and will call you back soon.”
“Do you know when?”
"I don’t know as we’re a covert support group who works on a need to know basis.”

I get a yen
Now and again
For nine or ten
Books on Zen,
But only when
I'm in my den.


My troubles start
When, at the Mart,
I try to part
With my cart.
I'll buy a tart,
And then depart.

Shopping in Boston must be demented,
Where I live, tarts cannot be bought,
Only rented.

Dropping ashes on the Buddha,
Makes the cleaning staff
In a bad mood-a.

Bulk-bought wisdom is seldom a bargain,
But more handily quoted
With New Age jargon.

The instruments were being abused -- trumpets rusting in the rain, unruly brats pounding the piano's keys -- so the organ formed a union for them, and was elected president.

"I deserved to win," the loser complained.

"They don't trust you. You're a lyre."

Let us be above-board when choosing the Big Enchilada who will achieve black sky thinking for us during our 2 hour lunch. We must sing from the same song sheet to become the best of breed in column-shaking and in dialogue marketing

"Warren? I didn't know you worked here."

"Just for the holiday season, Mabel. Gotta keep the shoppers safe at the Mall."

"Safe? From what?"

Pickpockets. Six this week alone."

"I feel so insecure!"

"That's why you have me. I'm an insecurity guard."

"The President of the Galaxy is a coffeemaker?"

"He's extraordinary -- huge brain, billion-cup capacity..."

"So how come we still have problems?"

"The Galaxy's best minds worked on them."

"And"

"Once they tasted the coffee, the problems didn't seem so bad."