h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do have one question.
Is your boss going open plan?Because if he isn't all the above will be a waste of time and you will merely make yourself unpopular with your work mates for no good reason.

As stated before, microwave fish, in all it's varieties, and eat (preferably with comments like 'Oh! this is too hot, I'll leave it for a bit before I tuck in') every day.

Within a month, this will either see you defenestrated, or a sign with 'NO FISH TO BE COOKED IN THE MICROWAVE' will appear. You, of course, will ignore the sign.

Oh yes, don't forget to bring/eat food you want, while leaving the fish to poison everyone's day!

If you work with figures, count VERY LOUDLY.

Call out each number as you input them into calculator/pc.

Mutter LOUDLY to yourself when said figures don't add up.

Repeat the above until error is found, then call out 'FOUND IT!'


Believe me, I was once on the receiving end of this for months, and it drove me crazy!

Yes, the boss will be in the open plan. At least, that's the plan.

Dandruff. On your keyboard. On your desk. On your chair. Under your desk.

If you can't bring yourself to actually *have* dandruff then fake it with ground almonds or dessicated coconut.

Ben

on anyone who's foolish enough to leave their PC without pressing . Then tell them that they've got the "Australia" virus.

RF

A former colleague of mine used to rap her knuckles on the corner of every desk she passed, for no good reason. It's definitely irritating to others.

Point out open-plan offices are a fire hazard - nothing to contain a fire if one should get going.


And that you know this due to a to a misspent youth as a pyromaniac.

A colleague of mine used to engage in vicious boundary disputes. There were back-to-back desks with low partitions, so you could see the head and shoulders of the person sitting opposite.

Anyway, this guy got himself a plastic ruler, and whenever anyone leaned against the partition or put their fingers on it, he would thwack them very hard! The poor guy sitting opposite suffered most of all, and eventually he quit and took another job in a town 20 miles away.

A month later, he was distraught to see Mr Plastic Ruler join the same company, and sit near him once again.

Coming in with a fever is very anti-social I've just learned... Ceci n'est pas une cross smiley.

I'm slightly worried if Twiglet uses all our suggestions, one by one, over the first few weeks, that the men in white coats might get called in.

*worried*?

Thats my PLAN!

More importantly, he'd get fired. "Not conducive to the company's working environment," or something like that.

open-plan shared office space isn't conducive either... Counter sue with that one and watch everything implode.

One small point on the toaster. If you're a coeliac, sometimes the effects of gluten can be really quite severe and cross-contamination from things like toasters is a very easy way to sneak in gluten without knowing it's coming. If you know a coeliac or are one you will understand the misery they have to put up with. If you're not you will probably assume it's just a fad. Serious stomach cramps and upsets, depression, loss of energy and hot and cold flushes, sometimes weakness and dizzyness are not fun or funny. but it's a bit mean to deliberately poison someone.

< but it's a bit mean to deliberately poison someone.>

Depends who it is...I have a list, you know.

Alright alright.

It's a bit mean to poison someone as a lighthearted joke...

I've just remembered some fun with a colleague being excessively terratorial in an open plan office... his desk was right by the photocopier, I had a *lot* of paperwork to copy and so put the pile down on the corner of his desk *behind* his monitor so it's not like it was even in his way... within a couple of seconds I was confronted by a red face and a loud, exasperated voice saying "it's not a dumping ground!!"

Same guy took me seriously when I joked that the colour printer was desginated Ops on the network so only Ops were allowed to use it. "I think you'll find that the printer is for everyone's use!" and then he made a point of making sure his team *always* used the Ops printer for even b&w stuff.

Sorry, I didn't read all the backlog. I don't know where you live but I think all over Europe it's against the law to have offices without natural light.

I don't think it is against the law. One needs high enough lux levels for the work one is doing but natural light is not a neccessity...it may reduce the effects of SAD ut otehr than that I can not find any legislation to otherwise...it would make the design of a lot of large wide multi-leveled factories and building a bugger to design.