h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Crack your knuckles and toes as loudly as possible.

Have an annoying ringtone on your phone, have family and friends call you and then share their bizarre problems with your office mates.

Have a fan on full blast when there's snow on the ground and a heater on in the middle of a heatwave.

Steal any stationary not nailed down but refuse to lend anything out.

It won do you any har, at all to develop an annoying laugh that is just subtle enough to be something people dont feel they can approach you about.

Also, egg sandwiches for a mid-morning snack. And monster munch by the packet. Which you wont share of course.

If music doesn't appeal, listen to an annoying talking radio station, preferably one with tabloid sensibilities. Argue with it.

Point to note, one does not 'ask' for a halal microwave - one insists on it.
It's not up for negotiation apparently.

Whistling - totally tunelessy and off-key is better than a specific tune.

Humming (you have to make sure people can only just hear it.)

Singing - it must be a crap catchy one so other people will be singing it in the heads all day.

Stirring a drink for about 30seconds noisly banging the spoon on the side of the mug such that you can hear the desk 'boink'.

Start having Cup-a-soups which also require about3minutes of constant stirring then further stirring as you slurp it. The thickness of the soup gives a far more bass-ey clunking sound than a cup of tea or coffee.

Start making weird whistling noises with your nose.

Talking on the phone as though you aren't actually using a phone but speaking at a volume that will allow the other person to her you without the need for a phone.

Eating very crunchy apples with your mouth open and then start talking to someone right in the middle of doing that.

Pour the dregs of you milky tea into a pot plant and wait for it to start smelling.




All these I have had to endure in open offices over the years.

Drink hot drinks in a series of little slurps. Do not stop until the whole drink is finished.

A guy at work does this and it drives me up the wall.

"Aren't you an engineer? "

Yes. My boss, it will surprise nobody to know, is not.

Y'know, all these answers are so good, I'm now at the point where I'm almost looking forward to it.

3Dots beat me to the humming. And yes it has to be done just loud enough to be barely audible..but also every so often. Just as it starts to become annoying, and people think 'Oh hasn't that gone on long enough?' You should stop. And then just as people think, 'Thank goodness that's stopped', you start again...

Steal other people's food, and then leave passive agressive notes *to the thief* on the empty cartons.

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

My attitude is that if you're going to sing, you might as well go the whole hog and add some dance steps in there as well.

Have the sound turned up just enough to be audible on your PC, and set Windows and the attendant MS Apps so that Every Single event has audible alert. Preferably customised ones, little audio files going "OOopps, that was stupid!" or "Someone loves you - here's an email". That sort of thing.

It strikes me there's a Guide Entry in here.

Ooh, watching YouTube videos with the sound *only just* audible is another good one...

Listen to music through headphones and sing along. Out of tune. (Actual music need not be playing; who'll know?)

Demand loudly and repeatedly of the world in general that your favourite pen be returned. (Note: This pen needn't actually exist.)

Subscribe to a funeral trade magazine and pin up the most startling illustrations. (Dorothy Parker did this at Vanity Fair, apparently.)

That last one was a tad too creepy Ivan

Purloining items from colleague's desks or shuffling their carefully organised paperwork about while they're away on a break.

Unexplained glaring or silence unnerves some people

There's nothing wrong with being creepy, surely.

Incidentally, someone in my office has a special gluten-free toaster and gets most upset if there's a risk that some feral gluten has made its way into it. This has tremendous potential for disruption.

Well, in the open plan office *I* share, typical irritating behaviour includes (but is not limited to):

* Talking really loudly on the phone, and then telling everybody all about the conversation they've just heard and which is nothing to do with their own work

* Leaving their mobile on their desk and then walking off just before it rings - loudly. You could phone your own mobile from somebody else's phone to make sure of this.

* Complaining about the temperature. Either pile on loads of fleeces (or keep your coat on or have a special 'office cardigan' in a drawer) moaning about how cold it is, or strip down to your vest and wear sandals.

* Decorating workspace with 'amusing' office posters, home-made collages, phone lists where every single name is highlighted (why? I mean WHY?), super-tacky ornaments etc. And don't forget there are extra points at Christmas for tinsel, baubles and mistletoe.

* Reeking of alcohol from the night before

* Bringing in a pot plant and then watching it die over a period of months.

But noise is the killer. It's annoying if you're trying to have a difficult conversation on the phone, and it's annoying if you're trying to concentrate. Interrupt people lots - ask for their advice because you want to 'improve your performance'. It'll go down a storm.

I'm astonished that anybody, in the current climate, is contemplating spending money on reconfiguring workspace, though. Does your boss have any idea how much it will cost? It's not just a case of dragging a few desks around over the weekend ... but you know that. What's the business case for reconfiguring? Will the increase in productivity justify the expense?

This is, of course, something else you can talk about at length, and loudly, after the move. For many, many months

Mol
(not bitter)

>>take off youe trousers and work in a kimono<<

I've heard of a guy who wrote a PhD thesis in mathematics the following way. The first day, he got a subject from his advisor, then he disappeared for three years, then he cae back to defend the (seemingly remarkable) work he had written. He didn't include his advisor in the acknowledgements, and came to his thesis defense in a kimono.

I do not know how much of the above is true though.

Have 'Pot Noodle's every day for lunch. Slurp up the strands of noodle as loudly as you can!


GT

Sigh often and loudly. Look at people like this when addressed:
http://implied.facepalm.de/