h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

michael jackson has never had plastic surgery and does not have sex with children, only sleeps in the same bed as them, holds their hands on international televition and cudles them. but no sex

ah, let me see ..."Norman was discovered in the late 19thC by Sir William Montague Crampon, the famous mountineer, whilest on a trip to the Hymalayas. Sir William first noted the planet after reaching the halfway point of his ascent of k2 (which he liked to call "audrey"),and having a lage meal of rancid goats milk with dried fries.
After partaking of a companionable smoke of the local weed with his sherpa he decided it would b a good idea to go an lie in the snow.
On looking up he saw , to his amazement, the planet we now call"Norman" orbiting,as far as his rough astral calculations would allow,around the Earth, in an elliptical plane,perpendicular to our own plane of orbit, and with a spin cycle only hoover knew what.
In the rarefied atmosphere of the mountain he gleaned that "Norman",as it now came to him to name it, looked a little like the brown ball from a billiard table, only a great deal more vast"...

the biggest planet in the Solar system is actually called "Norman"
It is a brown shiny planet with only one inhabitant, a small stckleback called Rastus who belives in hoover

dale winton is my father

dale winton is my mother

Felix, TSF, so *youre* my parents!!

No, you're Dale Winton

Hey now, that's not the sort of thing you can just out and tell someone! Have some thoughts for my feelings will you?

There I was, life all neatly ordered and someone up and tells me I'm Dale Winton!!

Well I *was* a little shocked to find you claiming to be my son

or was that a little too *true*

I am six foot tall and very rich with an appreciation for sprouts. I also have a large handle in my bedroom which I use to rotate the planet.

im my own father, grandfather, brother, cousin, nephew and uncle

I've escaped from a mental asylum and am on the run with a for company

Snowman

Snowman, this is supposed to be a thread for lying!

My middle name is Marjory ... actually no it's not, it's Selina

Ictoan, I'm going to find you and rip out your kidneys. Just remember this is a lying thread.

Snowman

I bought the earth for $12.95 at a garage sale. I am seriously considering buying Norman

'Q: Who tutored Alexander the Great?'

It was me

Hmmm I'll have to check the brittanica (written by me of course)

Don't hesitate to ask me who wrote "The Bible"...