h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I find, in haiku,
When Lentilla's the subject,
The form's not enough


... to cram in everything I want to say because her ghastliness just can't be got at in seventeen syllables, indeed you'd need at least seventeen volumes to get in everything that's unpleasant.

Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious,
Whatever Trin's eating by the sound of it is something quite atrocious,
Seeing as she's got three teeth she's eating quite ferocious...
At least what she's eating is unconscious and apparently a fungus.

What's with the whole rhyming thing?




but anyway,

That awful thing on your face,
That's clearly been hit by a mace,
Doesn't resemble those,
We call a nose,
It's just a lumpy space.

It's mashed and round,
And enough to confound,
It's runny and green,
Only warts are seen,
With a black hair on each mound.

To be very plain about it all:
Dont any of you look in the mirror. The results would be fatal.




On second thought. All of you please do.

Hmmm... If I could kill myself with my looks, Could I kill other people? Would that be murder? Or manslaughter?


I can just imagine my court case...

"Please, judge, I didn't mean to kill her. How was I supposed to know that my looks could kill..."


Wait a second...if my looks killed, how could I appear in court without killing the judge too? Black shroud?

But then how do I talk?

!!!wandering mind alert!!!

Quick! Somebody stomp on it before it gets back into the skull...

Too late.


still, I guess they could rig me a veil or something.

I'll take it off to wave to you in the audience. What's another murder charge when already have one?

good idea. So do us all a favor, and murder yourself.

That's not murder, that's suicide.


And life in death row has gotta be better than no life at all.

Once you're in there, the quality of life will deteriorate rapidly. Inmates will be exposing themselves to your hideous features merely for the releif of a quick death. Nobody deserves to suffer like that. Please Tiger, do us all a favor, and hold your head under water for 5 minutes. ONly 5 short minutes.

5 minutes wouldn't do it. And wouldn't it be quicker to look in the mirror?

I don't think 5 minutes underwater would kill slime mould. It might endanger endangered bacteria living in the water.

ya, why dont you try it out! your full of slime!
cheers
ford

GOOD POINT. TIGER, STEP INTO THAT SPA FOR A HALF HOUR.


nO, IT'S NOT THE FURNACE, IT'S A SPA STEAM ROOM.

yES, YOU'LL BE FINE.


*SNICKER*

she went!

It IS a spa steam room. Now I have clean pores while you are covered in acne.

... you have zits on your back tigris... gross!
cheers
ford

Nah, that's just the trailing end of my pearl necklace.

You must have zits on the mind. What'd you do? find number one million?

just looking at your face i can see 1 million!
cheers
ford

The lot of you are festering pustules on the devil's bottom.