h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Whay how do we ho why who me, no you know the who what is it how do to do go to the what when we go to so do what the was how:?

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Poor 2legs, driven to madness due to nighthooverly worry

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gjota geta nana nana anana nanan bro ya kno ?

fear not for I have arrived to reward the faithful

But, oh, how are we to know that you are the real nighthoover? Can we the faithful not have a sign? I need a cold shower

Impostors beware! The emperor (U204203) doesn't take kindly to heresy, and may have you executed!

*cautiously rising to speak before the inner chamber of bishops and cardinals*

In light of the many pretenders, those who would be nighthoover - or waylay our devotions with false nighthoovering - perhaps we should adopt a code.

Since for the faithful, there is so much more or less to nighthoover than just a name, perhaps to begin we should give our 'nighthoover' a new name, a new identity. We know of whom we speak and a new name or symbol would invalidate the false passports and credentials of the 'nighthoover' pretenders.

It should be a simple and honest name that brings to mind a simple and honest god, a simple, plain speaking and honest nighthoovering god.

May I suggest 'dave' in honour of the 'dave' who only ever posts "Hello" and "Hello. How are you?"

That is always 'daves' simple and single message.

It appears in several threads. He never replies when spoken to and has always refrained from saying anything more than this friendly greeting.

"Hello. How are you?"

The simplicity, and the elegance of that simplicity, are comparable to the holy words found in Postings 1 and 9 which we all know to be from the one true nighthoover.


~jwf~

Indeed ~j~

Not sure if what's below has been posted recently but it's high time *some* people were reminded

Hope I've transcribed it faithfully










__________________________________________________________

1. I am the Lord thy Nighthoover, who brought thee out of the land of RL, out of the house of dustiness.

2. Thou shalt have no other Nighthoovers before Me. Thou shalt not make unto thee a jpeg image, nor any manner of likeness, of any thing that is in the U-space U183456, or that is in the conversations beneath, or that is in the dust under the desk; Thou shalt not provide links unto them, nor copy and paste them; for I the Lord thy Nighthoover am a jealous Nighthoover, visiting the iniquity of the posts upon the replies unto the third and fourth threads of them that hate Me; And showing mercy unto the thousandth thread of them that love Me and keep My commandments.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Nighthoover in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain.

4. Remember the Cancel thread to keep it hoopy. Six posts shalt thou write, and do all thy wisecracking. But the seventh post is hoopy in honour of the Lord thy Nighthoover; on it thou shalt not do any wisecracking, neither thou, nor thy , nor thy , thy nor thy , nor thy , nor thy that is within thy keyboard; For in six days the Lord made the A-pages and the U-pages, the fora, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the hoopy day, and hallowed it.

5. Honour thy italics; in order that thy posts may be prolonged upon the site which the Lord thy Nighthoover giveth thee.

6. Thou shalt not spam.

7. Thou shalt not troll.

8. Thou shalt not flame.

9. Thou shalt not spit.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's U-number (except for U200000 of course); thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's bandwidth, nor his edited entries, nor his <./> Post</.> entries, nor his , nor his , nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

__________________________________________________________

Please enlighten me oh great one even though I am lowly as chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your staff.

*What of the Nighthoover smiley*

Surely (you don't mind if I call you Shirley, do you?) a great wrong has been done not to include it in the Smiley list.

Yr obdnt svt,

staff gum

There is a skool of thot, a very small skool made of red brick with a liddy-biddy chimney up on top made outa human skulls, that says there is no great need for a nighthoover smiley.

When it is pointed out to them that this is simply not true and that there is in fact a great and growing demand for a nighthoover smiley, those of this skool of thot smile knowingly.

For they have discovered one of the essential truths of nighthoover. That his glorious person, his eternal presence is best represented by a black hole, a swirling circular dot in the cosmos into which all things, all matters, all questions and energies are sucked.

This black hole can be easily be represented by the punctuation mark known commonly as the 'full stop' or 'period' which looks like this .

While a row of crosses (representing one of the more commercially succesful gods) would look like
+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

and the crescent moon symbol of another would appear as
) ) ) ) ) )


a similar row of nighthoover symbols would appear as
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

There is a undeniable simplicity and elegance to the nighthoover's single small round dot. The faithful can see his symbol everywhere. He leaves his mark and his message in insect bites, needle marks, impact craters, spit balls, smallpox scars and bullet holes.

It even hovers angelically above the common little letter i


~jwf~

lettuce pray for the return of "dave"
. . . . . . . . . . . . .

We read from the first, and most nighthooverly of the books of nighthoover :

Hooversis

1:1 At the start, determined as without doubt not being at a point after, secondary to, or certainly not the end, the end being any point at a current time not immediately after, preceding or any region directly at the joining of (a minimum of) any 2 points in time one of which does not, cannot and will not exist, there was Dust.

1:2 and the Dust did hold much filth and was dark and dank, and the prophet did see that the dust was dark and dank, and without form, and the prophet did move over the Dust and the dirt thereabout.

1:3 and the prophet said, who hath left the power lead in such a state of entanglement?, Let there be disentanglement: and there was disentanglement.

1:4 And the prophet saw the disentangled power lead, that it was good: and divided the power lead from the plug.

1:5 And the prophet called the power lead Cable and the plug Plug. And the day after going to the Pub the prophet did awaken with the first hangover.

1:6 And the prophet said let there be an appropriate time for in which to successfully dispatch of the dark and dank Dust of much filth, and let it divide that horrible time known as pub closing from that other horrible time when the big yellow thing floats in the big blue thing, called sunrise.

1:7 And the prophet made an appropriate time for in which to successfully dispatch of the Dust which be both dark and dank, and hold much filth, and it did divide the time between Pub closing from the time of sunrise: and it was so.

1:8 And the prophet called the time between Pub Closing and Sunrise Hoovertime, and the next day the prophet awoke with a hangover.

1:9 And the prophet said, let the peoples in the Pub gather together in one place, and let late opening commence, and it was so.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Oh mighty one wen wil we se the truth and the way of the hoover in all our lifs move amongst us and remove the filfth and dust that settles amongst us

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

" . "

.

.............

.

We have ordered Our imperial librarian to collect all known fragments of the Sacred Texts. Behold: A836714

If any known scraps of nighthoovery wisdom are missing, inform Us, please.


"."

In 1927, Dr. Deckchair Funderlink and a team of camels set out to discover the "Fluff of Harris", a sacred object rumoured to be found in the temple of Uz, in Ur, a town in provincial Unt located in what is today know as Umm.

This expadition was not very noteworthy and may have vanished up the annals of history, had it not been known that the "Fluff of Harris" was said to harbour an ancient text containing clues as to the whereabouts of the Great Nighthoover.

Funderlink and his team arrived in Ur with high spirits. Such bonhomie, however, was short lived. Within a week, two of the camels were dead, having been stabbed in a dispute over a game of cards. A week later, Funderlink's valet, "Soubriquet" fell mysteriously ill and had to be taken to France in the steamer "Floris".

The local villagers shunned the expadition and refused any calls to assistance, claiming that there was a curse on the "Fluff of Harris" which caused anyone who moved this item to come down with a bad case of the wobbleboards.

Undeterred, Funderlink began the dig, even though at this stage his expadition had been reduced to two: Himself and a plastic bucket and spade. After six weeks of furious digging he had produced a fairly small hole in the sand. After eight weeks, the edges began to fall into the hole, making digging difficult. Some of the villagers used to sneak up and watch. Funderlink could hear them giggling in the bushes.

The last entry in Funderlink's expadition journal reads as follows:

"Tuesday 27th April. Digging again. Dig dig dig dig. Lunch. More digging. More digging. Getting dark now. Ohh **** this, I'm off home"

He returned to England soon after and set up a newsagents in Leigh On Sea.

I mention this story to illustrate a point. The point is... no, lost it, sorry.

>> The point is... <<

Don't worry, your point (or point as the French so foppishly put it) is not lost. I got it. That is not to say I have stolen it or that I would be unwilling to return it or otherwsie share it with the faithful.

'Tis a wonderful tale, well told.
And it opens the mind to the deeper possibilities of time as a fixed point in the Cosmos from which all events, which while we percieve them as past, present and future, actually exist in the same singular point of time in space or space/time. Events only appear to us as a linear flow and we foolishly attribute causes and consequences. From this comes all mankind's fooolish notions of progress, including the everpopular 'evolution'.

But those who have seen the glory of the suckling of the lord will know full well that this side of a black hole is much like the other side, only different. When it's 2 o'clock here, it's probably 2 o'clock there, so to speak. And if nighthoover appeared here on Sept 26 of the year we number zooz it does not deny, yay in fact it confirms, that he has appeared, is appearing and will appear, elsewhere and everywhere at some time and place beyond every time and place. The desert seems quite as likely as anywhere and I doubt the weapons inspectors will find it either.

For as it was " . " so shall it be " * ".


~jwf~

I like the marble that sways the wind which blow foward to the edge of the passway all passages all directions all men women and antilope read to nighthoover and follow the path that cannot be unfollowed and which is all and everywhere to nighthooverlyness ora dipa manfola sarcristae pop.