h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*waves hi to everyone* I can identify with the depression stuff. I have my down cycles.

Hi JEllen, hoppe you are ok at moment.
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Some things still make me smile like my 3 legged cat cleaning herself now, her 3 leggs tangled up always look more confusing than 4 legs!
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I had a not too bad night sleep wise last night. Not in lengh as still woke up at 6am, however as I said Proprenolol was giving me scarey hallucinations around waking up from sleep, like it said it might on leaflet, but for 2 nights since Proprenolol was stopped I haven't had them. I have had that slightly high feeling but actually in quite a pleasant way to be honest, so the Pregabalin is so far quite good.
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The Proprenolol waking-from-sleep hallucinations were quite unpleasant really and things like part of my chest of draws furniture would stretch out from it like a rubber band untill litterally inches from my face! I even put my hand out to touch it once and hand went through it. I understand that the hallucinations are what would normally be in my dreams but medication has brought about an awake sleeping state and I was never really certain if I was awake or not when I happened. I found a guide entry on here about sleep paralysis(sp?) which sounds like what I had a little where you wake up and for a while your limbs can't move and you have what seem to be hallucinations but are actually your dreams still going on. The limbs not being able to move are what happens in normal sleep (the brain switches the limbs off) so that when we dream of say running in a field our legs don't run in bed too!
Sleep paralysis is where we wake up but limbs can't move and we get those scarey moments that are our dreams still running. Some people claim they have been held down by assorted things when in fact you have woken too soon and limbs can't move yet.

I have been giving some thought to the acceptance of my illness and more particularly the admission of it.
I still find it difficult to use the term mental illnes to me even though I have the mental illness of bad depression and now severe anxiety in the form of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, GAD. There is something about saying you have an illness of the mind that doesn't apply to illnesses of the body, a stigma really. However the worse it has got lately the less I can be bothered about a so called stigma since anyone can get depression from life's bad events. However I strongly suspect that I have a chemical imbalance in brain that is causing it rather than life's events.
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The admission of mental illness really came about when the ambulance man gently coaxed me to admit I had a problem and needed help. He said gentley that it needs to be me who is the one who askes for help. Although me being on the edge of tears and my voice breaking merly confirmed what I and he already knew.
He rightly said he would get an appointment made and the doctors told I had a real problem and needed help. The doctor I saw was really nice and understanding. She asked me questions about how I was but it was clear I wasn't well mentally as apart from being extremly jumpy and breathing wrongly and gasping I had my fixed depression face on which is a dead giveaway, lol. Sorry you have to laugh or you would get depressed,lol!
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Anyway, about the fixed depression face. Boy is it misserable and sad looking! I caught sight of my face last winter and I didn't know who it was
as the face looked so fixed and rigid. It made me cry then and to be honest nearly again now as I think of it.
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Bad depression is a smelly thing for me. I once bathed every day and nearly went out every day and was careful of the way I dressed. Boy my depression really screwed up my sartorial elegancge! If I didn't go out for say 3 days I would not have a bath and wear the same shirt sometimes for 3 days too, and sometimes overnight too in bed. And if that sounds smelly and disgusting well it is and I didn't care, and to be honest still don't sometimes although I am working to improve that area.
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If you were to ask why didn't I just have a bath well I can't tell you, Depression does that, it is like a thick rubber balloon tight over your head smothering you and stopping you doing things, giving you excuses to go out and using all the scraps of food left to avoid going out.
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Clearly we aren't talking mild depression helped effectively by St Johns Wart, the £15 a month Kira is the best and really some of the cheap stuff is rubbish, we are talking major stoney faced stuff here, major depression that ruins lives and sucks the life out of you.
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I don't know why I am writing all this embarassing stuff about me really. It is embarrasing in two ways, the first is of course the lack of hygiene I talked about but also as I have re-read a lot of the threads again and people on here are far worse off than me and am embaressed to write about my lesser problems here. I blame it on the new medication which I also blame for the many mistakes there will be as feel somewhat out of it due to dosage doubling today.
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Anyway if this post helps anyone with depression or anyone who doesn't have it to understand it a little more it will be great!

SS,

I have found your posts very interesting and informative, and you really should not be embarrassed. You have taken a huge step forward in talking about it, and I am sure it will have helped lots of people realise they are not alone.

For many years I suffered what I would term 'ordinary' depression, which was partly due to circumstances and partly due to hormone imbalances. The former gradually resolved over time, with changes in my life, but the latter didn't until I reached the 'change of life' which proved what I always believed, that it was hormones, though never diagnosed. Doctors were ignorant, and dismissive, and 'pull yourself together' was the underlying theme!

You know, attitudes and understanding have come a long way since then (over 20 years ago) though there is still a way to go. Certainly finding the right medication is crucial, and a good is essential.

An awful lot of depression is caused, as you say, by a chemical imbalance, but increasingly I think work stresses, and working unsocial hours are taking their toll. We seem to live in a 24/7 world, with no day of rest. I don't mean in a religious sense, but a true day off. Even on a day off there seems to be so much that we should be doing, that we either go hell for leather at it, or collapse in a heap and do nothing, and then feel guilty.

As for personal hygiene. Been there done that. Not nice. Winter time is worst when it is cold I could easily sink in to a depression and do nothing, not even wash! I am not as bad as I was, but always have to guard against it. When I was much younger with very young children I could spend all day in a dressing gown, as it was too much trouble to get dressed. If you live alone it must be very much worse.

I can't tell you how much wildlife and birdwatching has made a difference to me, but I still lapse sometimes.

I don't believe I have the depth of depression that needs treatment, but it does help me understand those who are seriously troubled with it.

Please continue talking to your 'faceless' friends on hoo too(we don't care whether you are dressed or not!) as I am sure it will make it easier to talk to professionals or work colleagues if you eventually have to do so.

My opinion, for what it is worth, is that it is mostly hardworking, conscientious people who suffer, as they go on longer without admitting it, until 'something snaps'. Please try and do something about it before that happens. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You would seek help for a broken leg if you couldn't walk, wouldn't you? There is no difference, except in your mind, and of course it is a bit more difficult to fix!

We have talked on Hoo Too many times about the suffering caused by 'invisible' illness, whether mental or physical , and how hard it is to make people understand.

I really do hope your new medication puts you on an even keel, because that would be a start.

Take care, back later.
Websailor

Thank you for your reply WS, it was very interesting.
Partly the reason I didn't want to seek help was the idea that if I drop all the stiff upper lip stuff and fighting the depression everything will collapse and get much worse. Also telling everyone was something I dreaded. I still am thinking of taking time off work, 2 weeks would be great as have a booked holiday end of month. I am just weary of everything involved with it at moment. I am not at the deepest depression of the past year or so at moment although for some reason my eyes are welling up on and off today, I suspect it is the meds change and recent limb jumping events, it sounds like an Olympic sport, lol!
Also this was suposed to be my 2 week summer holiday so have lost that really as so unwell. My last week off also was a time off with similar probs, except it was breathing things related to anxiety. My doctor offered time off before so hope 2 weeks off will be ok to get some rest and perhaps my mind in better order.
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What I have learnt from all this is how much your brain can effect your body. This all really started due to me having atacks just like asthma except it was caused by brain due to stress. I was on my knees in garden gasping for breath and coughing non stop until retching , actually bringing up liquid at worst point. I heard other people in flats say it sounds like a bad asthma attack, it wasn't of course. As I understand it there are wrong messages being sent from brain and adrenaline is pumping into my body at wrong times and maybe all the time at very tense and jumpy times. The adrenaline of course starts all the heart , lungs, etc over working hence breathing problems and gasping for air, which clearly makes me even more tense which makes the heart go faster so a nasty cycle starts up!!
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Clearly if anyone is short of adrenaline here and needs a boost I have plenty to spare. I can bottle it and call it "Strangely's Strange Pick me up",lol.

Hi SS, you don't need to wait till you feel in the depths of your depression before you take time out
Recognising the signals that your beginning to feel a bit low is good start in taking control
So take that break and have that holiday , again you must put yourself first when you feel like this, it's really important to give yourself every opportunity to stay on the right side of despair

SS remember every single one of us suffers some form of depression in our lives, most are lucky it's only reactive to their situation at the time
But some of us have a chemical imbalance to cope with, not our faults, nothing we should feel ashamed of, or feel pitied for, just something we have to live with everyday
And yes it's a burden to us and our loved ones,but we musn't hide away, we still have lives to live and we are part of society, just like everyone else out there
Everyone seems to have there own cross to bare and as a society and good human beings we should not stigmatise
The mental bit of the illness is to do with our brains, not our disposition
So if you ever come across anyone who is lets say is not very understanding of your illness
Remember you only have depression,
They are sadly a poor excuse for a human being
Take Care, and hope the new medications settle down soon
Get that holiday booked

I second that most heartily Jut. SS, it really sounds as if you need a break, if only till your meds. have settled down.

I completely understand SS, about your fear of 'letting it all hang out' as the expression goes. However, in my advancing years I have become convinced that bottling things up is not always the best option. I believe in self control, but it can be carried too far. I was brought up to 'have a stiff upper lip', 'don't wear your heart on your sleeve' and all the old cliches, which are fine if you just have a case of the s then that's probably good advice, but when there is a medical condition underlying it, I think it is bad advice.

Enjoy the wildlife, keep talking, and take care. You know where we are.

Websailor

Thank you both for your posts and you are both right that I could do with a break, perhaps I have been quite close to the edge recently, in that I mean the limb jumping, breathing, etc getting out of control. Bottling it up really doesn't help which is what I did when I didn't seek help. Which probably, make that did, lead to breathing, etc problems.
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Yes wildlfe, fresh air and walking are good for me and everyone. Today a Collard Dove, which I had saved from a possible cat attack landed on the water bowl I fill for birds and it looked stunning in evening sun. Wildlife is indeed a joy!
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nite nite SS, I have gotta as I have been so busy I have forgotten to feed the badgers

Sleep well,

Websailor

It is beginning to look like I will definitely have to take time of work I just had another bought of arms bouncing, pacing up and down flat really quickly and even a bit of over breathing thrown in for luck,lol.
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Can I now for once in my life sing that song "Don't push me I'm close to the edge!" and really mean it?
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.....I think I am going to have a dream of me tonight bouncing around my flat arms and leggs bouncing around,lol!

Keep thinking happy thoughts of the animals and all the other lovely things mother nature has provided for us all
Try to Stay calm and try and relax, try not to get in a panic, tell yourself it's the new medication at work, but not quite there yet
Hope you've booked your hols
and hope you have a good rest

Has anyone ever given you breathing exercises to do, which will help control it? Try and concentrate on something else, like Hoo Too and It should settle down. I suspect it will take a while to find the correct dosage level.

Suggest you write down how it is affecting you and when, so you can tell the at your next visit. It might help him prescribe the correct dosage.

I have now fed the badgers, having played hopscotch with the slugs I have tried to make friends with them, but I just can't

Take care. I shall have to go offline shortly or I will get a *ticking off* to put it politely Gotta have my BP checked tomorrow.

I can hear an owl hooting

Websailor

Thanks, it is ok, the worse that will happen is I will have a lot of limb bouncing. My last tablets were 9pm so should start working hopefully soon. I am beginning to realise that this might possibly be a long term thing. I am already working out ways of making myself secure in having living accomadation if it is long term thing. There are no worries there which is good.

Nite nite.

Websailor

Yes, thanks, I am doing better at the moment. And it is helpful to see people share their experience.

A apologise if I am posting too much here. The person who I would have talked to about all this in real life, my best friend, had a very sad loss a few months ago so don't want to add to her worry. Her sad loss was also another of my best friends too so it is odd really.
If this continues and new meds don't control it then I am worse than I thought! What I really want is someone to say its ok you don't have to keep a stiff upper lip and fight it anymore, I think that person will be the doctor Monday if he says it is ok to take time off sick and it is the right thing to do. Perhaps I want permission to just curl up and stay in bed, not long term, just a couple of hours, it is the permission thing, another form of acceptance really. I am sorry I am rambling, the thread wasn't being used and this is like a safe place to be honest. And to be honest the jumping, anxiety and on edge of tears is here so wanted to say so. I hope to get out birdwatching for a while later, even if still raining. I was hoping the new medication, Pregabaline, was going to be REALLY strong and numb me like Sertralin did for a while but it hasn't so far. Sure the Sertraline(anti depresant) did stop me having interest in things for a few weeks but it did numb nicely.
There has been one major side effect to all this medication, I have become addicted to Big Brother, heck all those horror stories about depression are true, lol!

Jesus , I just had the worst mega adrenaline rush yet. I was literally pacing up and down at near running speed. My heart was pounding limbs jumping, over breathing, eye twitching--well eye twitching has been non stop anyway to be honest, I was even talking to myself! Blimey I really am losing it, lol. Then suddenly wham and medication kicked in and everything has calmed and heart slowed and feel slightly stoned and swaying a little. I am not sure if there is something in Pregabalin make a rush in my body which increases symptoms or the meds are kicking in to stop it as somehow recognises the nerve system has gone out of control.
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Blimey. I sound like I am making a medical report on use of Pregabalin. However please don't take what I say as a reason to not use Pregabalin if offered as I now realise my anxiety is extreme as I have never seen anyone with arms bouncing like mine except in films of shell shocked World War One victims, which would be known as Post Truamatic Stress Disorder these days. .
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I am finding this thread very cathertic(sp?) as recording events help me to rationalise and cope with them. If it helps others to get help, particularly if they leave it too long like me, then that would be great! Or help anyone really.

Morning SS,

It sends as if you are taking time to adjust to the new regime, but if it worries you too much I would get to the before Monday if possible. Did he warn you of these possibilities?

I wonder how strongly we have to tell you that you do have permission to let go? I would order you to have time off if I had the right

I am trying so hard not to ask nosy questions in a public space, but is there anything in your background that could indicate Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Or perhaps it is something buried from childhood. As you said the brain plays strange tricks, and it also does its best to protect us from painful incidents or memories.

SS, I am going to have to go offline as I have an appointment at the shortly and being late will not do my BP any good,

Take care,

Websailor

Good morning SS,hope you're feeling a little calmer by now.I havent read all the backlog yet,just some of it,but it sounds like a panic attack that you experienced earlier.
As much as i hate to admit it,i have gone through the not changing clothes,and sleeping in the top i wore all day,and i didnt give it a thought at the time.I think that is probably why i don't feel comfortable sitting and relaxing in my dressing gown at all now.I hope that realising other peole have gone through all these various stages of depression is making you feel less alone,and that you aren't "unusual".I think most people wonder what's happening to them,and feel they'll never be well again,but you will,honestly.I'll pop back later on,and read all the postings,take care

As far as I am aware I have had nothing traumatic happening, the doc already asked if anything had happend while young and I said I had an ok and normal childhood with no abuse, etc. There is nothing in adulthood either, just my father dieing but his death was a release as ill for so long. Getting divorced was easy as bored with each other so nothing really I can think of, except a family history of depression, etc so suspect I was born to have it.
I am having a thyroid and general organe problems blood test in a couple of days so could reveal something. It will be fun having blood tests if arm's bouncing, lol!
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Doctor said I will get a drunk or high feeling from meds so I expected that. Franky though I don't think symptoms are anything to do with meds as there before I started them mainly. The doc gave me a printed sheet on GAD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and it matches my symptoms exactly, However as I have extreme anxiety I have it worse. I suspect mild anxiety would give shaking fingers but if you magnified that you would end up with the arm bouncing I get. Most of the times I have visited the doctor long detailed facts given to me would be pointless as not thinking straight stops you absorbing them, hence printed sheet.