h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lizzie enters the cook's domain, cradling in her arms.*

Mr. Head, Papa sent me with a message for you. He said you should prepare some food and water for Miss Uli. That's the lady that came in the canoe.

*'s nose twitches at the strong odor of fish in the galley.*

*the looks around for fish left lying about and purrs*

*Starts awake at the sound of voices. Rubs bleary eyes. Sees ships cat and shoos it out of Lizzie's arms. Hurriedly conceals the whisky bottle which is the reason for his having been asleep*

Blasted cat! She might keep the mice out of the flour, but she keeps getting her mucky paws all over my chopping boards!

Now then Miss Lizzie, I'll give this canoe lady no more and no less than what the crew gets. Take her these biscuits and this water bottle and tell her she can wait till everyone else gets fed if'n she aks for more. Now be off out of my galley, for I've dinner to prepare. And don't you be bringing that cat in here again!

*She jumps a little when the cat is shooed away and watches carefully as Mr. Head hides the bottle.*

Alright, Mr. Head. I'll deliver the biscuits and water right now.

You know, that is not so bad. I wish you would be nicer to her. If I train her to stay off the chopping boards, would you be willing to let her in sometimes?

*Takes a basket from a hook on the wall and carefully places the biscuits and water inside.*

*the cat meows and rubs up against lizzie's legs, keeping lizzie between herself and the cook*

*Starts sharpening his cleaver while keeping one eye on the cat*

Well, alright young Miss Lizzie, we should all try to get along, shouldn't we? You startled me coming in there. I didn't mean to be sharp with you.

*At the word "sharp" he runs the edge of his finger over the cleaver's edge*

Now how about if you bring yourself and the cat back here in a little while once I've got dinner on the go and I'll have some fine fish heads for her to eat, eh? And if you want to bring some of your playthings down here, you can. I'll wager you've got some nice playthings, and maybe even some nice jewellery to wear, eh Miss Lizzie?

*Lizzie involuntarily places her hand on her chest. She slowly lowers it and reaches for the basket.*

Thank you, Mr. Head. You are most kind. I'll bring back later, just as you said.

And I'll ask Mother if it is alright to bring some playthings here.

*Lizzie waves and exits the galley.*

*the cat looks at the cook suspiciously for a moment, swishing her tail, before realizing that she's been left unprotected. she runs from the galley after lizzie*

*the cat pokes its head in and looks around for the cook. seeing no one, she enters the galley and sniffs around for food. she spies a rat in the corner and proceeds to chase it, corner it, and kill it*

/* grabs a broom from the corner and swipes at the cat, trying to get the rat out of its mouth */

*the cat drops the rat in surprise and runs under the stove. it peers out at volkert with narrow yellow eyes and gives an irate meow*

/* Grabs the rat and swipes at the cat again */

Scat, cat!

/* Quickly looks around the room to make sure no one is watching, grimaces with a look of disgust, then bites the rat */

*the cat creeps further under the stove but still watches, its eyes very wide*

*hearing the commotion, comes out of his butler's pantry where he has been gathering the ingredients for tonight's dinner. Dumps several sea bass, flour and potatoes on the chopping block*

Volkert, man! What are you up to? The cat means no harm, and I certainly don't want rats in my galley. Let her eat it, for I'll not be cooking it for you as long as we have these fine fish I caught this very afternoon!

/* tosses the rat carcass to the cat */

Just helping the cat catch the foul beast. Poor little kitty would have never managed if I hadn't hit the rat with the broom.

Fish? I thought...

Never mind, just as long as we have fish - I find I'm never satisfied by the salty dried meats we have on the ship. There's nothing like fresh fish.

When will we be eating? I'm starving, it must be I worked up a hunger during the storm.

*the cat eyes the carcass suspiciously, and backs away from it. she looks at volkert oddly, then runs out of the galley*

Strange cat.

Well I'll just throw this overboard then.

/* Takes rat, heads out to the deck */

*Shouts after Volkert*

Dinner will be ready as soon as I get it cooked and not a minute before! And you'll not be disappointed in these lovely sea bass what I took with my own hands this very day, Mr Volkert!

*To the cat*

Well, kitty, that's odd and no mistake. I thought you'd caught all the rats for me within the first few weeks at sea. Now where could that 'un have hid all this time? Unless it came aboard with the lady in the canoe young Miss Lizzie's gone off to see. I'll be having to have words with her and no mistake.

Even odder, I swear I saw Volkert try to eat that crater hisself. He must have been half-deranged by the storm. We'll have to watch out for him, won't we kitty?

*begins gutting the fish and throws a couple of heads and tails to the cat*

*the cat rubs up against the cook's leg and munches on a fish head. she seems to be considering something, because she keeps glancing at the cook*

*the cat finishes her fish and meows her thanks. then she goes off to explore other parts of the ship*