h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Uli is spirit dancing on the deck, carrying spear and a shield made of the caribou hide*

She soon finds herself in the Spirit World, where she looks around for her enemy.

He musht be here shomewhere - I sheen him come thish way.

~ Attempts a bird call ~

Coo! Coo! Pshshsht pshshsht pshsht!

Well met, Spirit McClellan.

*fingers her polar bear totem, which guards her physical presence while her soul roams*

They say below that this mage can enter other bodies! We must find him and engage him here to prevent his return to the ship. Tell the others who can see you what we are doing!

*Fades into the plane*

Uli! At least we meet as is intended!

Ever since I witnessed that trick you pulled with the wind after your interrogation ended, I knew we would eventually meet!

I'm afraid that if you think that you can defeat me, young one, you may be dissapointed. I may fail at my attempt to raise Atlantis, but I can still fulfill the promise that I made to Sarah Briggs. And it won't just be little Lizzie who pays. It'll be everyone on this vessel!

En guarde!

Yclept! At lasht I can ashk you the queshtion that hash everyone wond'rin - what ish in Baltimore that shcaresh you sho much?

*assumes a ready stance. Her body language is echoed by her corporeal body on the deck*

That would not be like the Raven, to keep a promise.

One would think that it would not be like the Devil to keep the deals that he makes, yet the Western Culture of this world claims that he does.

Among my people we duel with insult contests.

You speak of the soul-stealer and his crooked contracts! Those are not deals kept; those are legal snares for the untutored innocent! I have heard the white people speak of lawyers, and I know they are your creatures.

You are a coward and a carrion eater, Raven, and your strength is nothing but mimicry of the white magic you envy so much!

*hopes that the McClellan Ghost and all who can hear spirits will make the others aware of what is going on*

*The spirit of Yclept gives a shout of triumph and suddenly disappears. It would appear that it has become corporeal again.*

Uh oh.

Uli, I did tell the othersh, really! But I think Yclept can be here an'there at the shame time, like me. Now wha'we gonna do?

Tell them not to kill the invaded one, just secure him.

I will dance back.

*gradually fades from the astral plane*

*stands across a cloud distance, both near and far, facing the black mage. Her spirit spear is held high in her left hand, and it crackles with blue fire*

Now keep YClept with me till we have vied
And vanquish him who acts with evil pride!

*the blue fire shoots out from her spear, straight at YClept*

*Appears on the Plane, just in time to see a blast of blue fire coming for him*

Eep,....



"Keep the Fire from me,
Heal my wounds; ugly scars,
Keep me cool as the ocean."

*Yclept aims his hand at Uli, and launches a non-corporeal fireball*

Strange tacticts for one of the Dove's servants. Do you often kill innocent souls such as young Martens? I thought that was supposed to be my job.

Kill?

*angles her spear to catch and absorb the fireball*

My fire has never been used to kill, you paranoid Mage.

Homeless One!

*redirecting the absorbed energy to spin around them both before it dissipates*


assuming we can skirmish and call each other names without having to wait for adjudication...

But that's what you did, you irritating inuit! I was keeping him alive when he was on the verge of mental collapse. When you repelled me from his body, the shock ended his life! How's it feel to see someone caught in your cross-fire, eh?

And while I respect your insults, please keep away from my "home." After all, we wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of, say, Captain McLellan, now would we?


I'm gonna wait for GL to say if I survived your blows before I do anything else. But until then,....


[Special Ability: Magic Shield]

Keeping him alive, were you? I think he was keeping himself alive quite well until you possessed him in the first place! Full well you know that pre-emption by you is permanent and fatal. The soul of Martens may well be on this Astral Plane and looking for a word with you.

I repeat, you have no home! Get it through your thick spirit head, you are now nothing but a wraith. Your future is nothing but throwing pots and pans at the wall.

Birdbrain Mage!

~ Tries to distract Yclept ~

Yclept! Yclept! I lied! I didna' want to shet you free, na, I wush tryin to dishtra
hic!
dishtract you. An I know you killed Eddie! Fiend! Fiend!

You are wrong, my dear Uli. I have a perfectly useful home several fathoms directly beneath the Mary Celeste. I left my body all those centuries ago because it's maddeningly boring to just wait in suspended animation while the rest of the world forgets that you exist. I'll be heading back to my home as soon as it is beneficial to do so.

As for you, you may soon find yourself as homeless as our poor Captain here. You *are* aware that this ship is going to be destroyed in a matter of seconds, don't you? Now, while I believe that people such as myself and Captain McLellan here will survive, you mere mortals are unfortunately rather....well, mortal.

I see you're finding it easy to rationalize your murder of Martens. Tell me, if I had some poor child held under my dagger's blade while standing on a bridge, would you cut the rope to get me back to this plane? It amounts to the same thing, my dear Uli.

You find it easy to imagine holding a dagger to a child.

If Martens is half the man I believe he is, he thanks me for freeing him from slavery, you self-centered psychopath.

And I have made arrangements for my death. You forget that I too have a few powers. Even if my body dies in a few seconds, I will still be detaining you here. You're not going anywhere.

*Amelia, who can /see/ nothing going on here, can hear it all rather well.*

Amelia: Tell me when, Uli...! *poised near the side of the ship*