h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Indeed Eye Bee - but have no fear. The "Optional" extras fitted to Mavis can be controlled by this remote - so, No Lady Bumps?

*Press*

Click! Musha Musha Musha Musha click!

See? They fold away! Think of Mavis as the first ever "Convertable" person - she even comes with a six disc cd player in her boot....or was that Butt?

Wanna Try? The variations are ENDLESS!

hmmmmmmm..

*pushes the button that has a skull and crossbones on it.. there is a loud clanking noise and a flap in the shape of a fender from an old massey fergesson tractor, folds out of her back.. out marches the entire river dance troup, INCLUDING michael flatley, and proceed to eat the contents of the inflatable fridge (not the best idea) and then return inside flap, without ever doing so much as a jig, flap closes and mavis returns to normal*

fantasic

Ahhhh, I see you have discovered the onboard entertainment system for when you get bored of the CD's!

If you press this button here *Click* and that one there *Click* and just a tweak on the vertical hold here.......*Slide* then this happens....

*The loud clanking noise starts up again and the flap re-opens out of her back to reveal....... Liberace, resplendent in gold lurex sliding gently down the ramp behind a full size grand piano complete with candleabra playing My old man, says follow the band and dont dilly dally on the way before wheeling back up the ramp as the flap closes*

See? Somewhere there is a button that brings out a full honour guard to do a 24 gun salute!!

dont do that one then, ceiling will fall in.....again..

*Looks up*

Yes.......it could use a repaint........a bit of plaster.....a few patches to fill up the holes........in fact the ceiling could use a ceiling nailed over the old one.

Bloody jet packs - always knew I shouldnt have used them indoors....

This weeks feast of ineffable ullage will be brought to you by Dame Celia Mole-Strangler, the letter "F" and the number 8........

....* shakes pointy stick*

*Momentarily distracted from filling his new Scalextric Custard Pie Flinging Rail Gun 3000 with weapons grade Custard Pies*

EYE BE!!
*Quickly shakes his pointy thing back at her*

Doc, if u dont mind me making an observation, that thing is a big to pointy, you'll have someone's eye out... *grins lewdly at the lurkers*


*squares up , hands on hips of daring green white and gold wonder woman style outfit and sets herself up for the testing of the new (copied and pasted) Scalextric Custard Pie Flinging Rail Gun 3000 with weapons grade Custard Pies*

come on, hit me with yer best one..... oh......is the custard home made? dont like the shop bought stuff...

*NJA picks up her eye*


*husky voiced and purring*


He handles it skilfully and rarely makes a mistake

OOOhhhhhhh Matron!
*Says the Doc in a failry passable Kenneth Williams stylee*

RIGHT!

*Sits in ther Gunnery seat of the new Scalextric Railgun 3000 and twiddels with some controls*

LASER SIGHTING? VVVVWWWWoooooooooooooooppppp...........Ping!
*A red laser picks out a small beauty spot on Eye Be's face*

CHECK Darling! *Says the Guns Breathy and distictly saucy female computer voice*

BALLISTIC CURVE COMPUTED? Chugga Chuggaa Chuggaa click!
*The Gun muzzle raises a nth of a degree*

Mmmmmmmmm!*The Gun replies*

INPUT OUTPUT? Zwick Zwick Zwick Zwick Zagga Zagga Zagga

Input output set to whatever baby! *Says the gun, obviously enjoying itself*

AZIMUTH LOCKED? ..................................click

Ohhhh yes, just like a pair of handcuffs darling! *Purrs the gun*

In that case then..........FIRE!!!!!!

*Ohh thought you would never ask, big boy! *growls the gun*

Shhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooopppp WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO WHAMO!!!!

*Three dozen weapons grade Custard Pies launch from the gun in under a second, break the sound barrier (BOOOOOOOOOOOM!) and hit Eye Be full and square right in the mush............ Custard, flan cases and pigeons fly about in slow John Woo Motion as Eye Be gets covered head to foot........

*The Doc looks at the audience, his moustache aghast at the devestation.......Cue freeze frame and Ex Batman 1960's announcer*

Ladies and Gentleman, we would like to apologise for the wanton destruction well before the watershed, but will Eye Be survive? How could the Doc do this? Is this the end? Hold onto your Bat hats and prey! Stay tuned for the conclusion tomorrow, same Bat time, same Bat Channel!

*Rolls credits and plays the famous Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman music*

*aye be moves slightly, enough to activate the button for the zip-away-sheer-fabric-scotch-guarded-custard-resistant-extra-clingy-catsuit, and its unique copyrighted auto-peel-away action. aye be steps out, daintily allowing a steadying hand from a slightly bemused doc, who makes a mental note to check the label on said suit for the manufacturer*

titter..

thought you'd like that

*licks a stray splash of custard from the corner of her mouth, stares thoughtfully into the distance for a few seconds, and then shakes an admonishing finger at the doc...*

naughty boy. that, while it's a good copy, it's carton custard, isnt it??? isnt it? i have a terrible reaction to that stuff... makes me .... well. you know how it affects me doc..

*nja rolls her eyes, and brings out the enormous syringe*....'you want me to do the thing doc?'

Bah, what a dirty place this is! And what is that smell? Disgusting.
Oh. Hi you there, Lil ... and pirate Wendy ... euh Wench. Beg your pardon, it's difficult to see with all that stuff sticking on your ... euh... face.



There you go, Doc. Your 18th century cockatoo meissen porcelain plate, worth a fortune, a heirloom of your prestigious great, great ... whatever. I give it back to you in more than thousend pieces as a token of gratitude for your home-baked brownies you gave me to eat. Those tasted awesome.

By the way, Kipper broke the plate. So you do not have to do it yourself.

Bye.

*Eyes Krabbat, then eyes Eye Be...which one to deal with first?

Eye Be, Krabbatt, Krabbatt, Eye Be?

* In walks Shaky Hands Man from TV's Banzai! show (Dave Tv, Late Friday nights) with a microphone*

Harrow Doc and the Covered with Cheap Custard Conundrum!

Well? What you do Doc? Eye Be, Krabbatt, Krabbatt, Eye Be? If you aint in you no win! PRACE YOUR BETS!

*Doc looks from one to the other...EERMMMMmmmmmmmm*

HURRY HURRY you no win taking time like that!

BETTING ENDS!

Which one you pick Docky? Eye Be or Klabbatt, Klabbatt or Eye Be?

Well, as you ask so nicely *Twirling his 'tache* EYE BE! I choose Eye Be and the teaspoon of cheap custard she is wearing so well!

*Picks up Shaky Hands Man and lobs him offstage...Whheeeeeeeeeee CRASH!*

There goes the Greenhouse! Oh Eye Be! Sorry aboutt he cheap custard babe, but there is a recession on y'know?
*Grabs her and twirls round the floor to the tune of the galloping major before screeching to a stop. Here Sweetie! I know how good you are at knocking up outrageous from three first class stamps, so lets see what you can do with half a dozen Rubber bands! *Mugs mercilessly to the audience Bruce (before the flu) Forsythe stylee*

*Spins on his Jimmy choo whaling boots and fixes Krabatt with a beady eye or two. Puts on a recording of a speedy "Whoosh" sound effect and whooshes next to Krabbatt*
I see you have returned my 18th century cockatoo meissen porcelain plate, worth a fortune I might add, and as you well know a priceless heirloom of my dear departed and prestigious great, great ... great Grandfather, Tony Blackburn. How is auntie Danny La Rue, do you know?

Still! no matter! *Examines the thousend pieces in the sack* I see your workmanship is still par de excellent as usual (Thats your actual French that is)..YOU HAVE FIXED IT!! What can I do for you? Such workmanship deserves a reward!! *Ducks as an errant rubber band pings off of Eye Be's errr.....well, best not mention before the watershed....*
Could I offer you a private Dance from Petra Stringfellows crack armoured Lap Dancing platoon? A date with Bimbo SSHHHHRRRIIIEEEKKKK! perhaps? She hasnt been the same since she sat on Colins exterminator, but DAMN - can she unblock drains now!
*Picks up the pinged rubber band* Perhaps you could use one of Eye Be's used (gulp) Rubberbands? Pizza nailed to your head? Two falls and a submission with my faithful neanderthal man servant, Ug? A quick interdimensional flight to my evil Brothers homeworld, Planet Disco where you can pogo till you puke? Get out of jail free card?
I have a couple of 32 double M lady bumps going spare if you are in the mood for a change? A home makeover from Julian and Sandy, my gay Cyberman interior decorators? Anything M'boy!! Welcome back!

*Eyes Krabbat, then eyes Eye Be...which one to deal with first?

Eye Be, Krabbatt, Krabbatt, Eye Be?

* In walks Shaky Hands Man from TV's Banzai! show (Dave Tv, Late Friday nights) with a microphone*

Harrow Doc and the Covered with Cheap Custard Conundrum!

Well? What you do Doc? Eye Be, Krabbatt, Krabbatt, Eye Be? If you aint in you no win! PRACE YOUR BETS!

*Doc looks from one to the other...EERMMMMmmmmmmmm*

HURRY HURRY you no win taking time like that!

BETTING ENDS!

Which one you pick Docky? Eye Be or Klabbatt, Klabbatt or Eye Be?

Well, as you ask so nicely *Twirling his 'tache* EYE BE! I choose Eye Be and the teaspoon of cheap custard she is wearing so well!

*Picks up Shaky Hands Man and lobs him offstage...Whheeeeeeeeeee CRASH!*

There goes the Greenhouse! Oh Eye Be! Sorry aboutt he cheap custard babe, but there is a recession on y'know?
*Grabs her and twirls round the floor to the tune of the galloping major before screeching to a stop. Here Sweetie! I know how good you are at knocking up an outrageous oufit from three first class stamps, so lets see what you can do with half a dozen Rubber bands! *Mugs mercilessly to the audience Bruce (before the flu) Forsythe stylee*

*Spins on his Jimmy choo whaling boots and fixes Krabatt with a beady eye or two. Puts on a recording of a speedy "Whoosh" sound effect and whooshes next to Krabbatt*
I see you have returned my 18th century cockatoo meissen porcelain plate, worth a fortune I might add, and as you well know a priceless heirloom of my dear departed and prestigious great, great ... great Grandfather, Tony Blackburn. How is auntie Danny La Rue, do you know?

Still! no matter! *Examines the thousend pieces in the sack* I see your workmanship is still par de excellent as usual (Thats your actual French that is)..YOU HAVE FIXED IT!! What can I do for you? Such workmanship deserves a reward!! *Ducks as an errant rubber band pings off of Eye Be's errr.....well, best not mention before the watershed....*
Could I offer you a private Dance from Petra Stringfellows crack armoured Lap Dancing platoon? A date with Bimbo SSHHHHRRRIIIEEEKKKK! perhaps? She hasnt been the same since she sat on Colins exterminator, but DAMN - can she unblock drains now!
*Picks up the pinged rubber band* Perhaps you could use one of Eye Be's used (gulp) Rubberbands? Pizza nailed to your head? Two falls and a submission with my faithful neanderthal man servant, Ug? A quick interdimensional flight to my evil Brothers homeworld, Planet Disco where you can pogo till you puke? Get out of jail free card?
I have a couple of 32 double M lady bumps going spare if you are in the mood for a change? A home makeover from Julian and Sandy, my gay Cyberman interior decorators? Anything M'boy!! Welcome back!

Hmm ... yes ... I see ... Yes, that's very .... nice.

I cannot deny what is right in front of me . Feel the texture, it's smooth as a newborn baby's ass. I've X-rayed it and applied the carbon-14 test ... and there you are .... apart from a few minor scratches on the surface it's the genuine thing, UNBROKEN.
How is that possible? I remember vividly that I ..... uh that Kipper smashed it into a thousend pieces. What was I doing? Perhaps just one of those lucid dreams.
I consulted an expert in New York and ... there take it.... it's from the very beginning of 18th century, extremely rare. You better lock it up ... somewhere safe.

Tell you something, Doc. Things have definitely changed. It's so quiet everywhere.
It's spooky and eerie. I went into the Boardroom of General Mayhem and Evil Plotting and there are now only strangers in a state of dormancy, they are completely comatose. They seldom speak, when they do it's either in riddles or they start asking questions. Tell me, Doc, who or what is Spartacus?

It's so unfair. I would have thought they would keep up the good job in my absence ... you remember Xantippi and her dad's place, our trip to Colorado, Pretty Princes in Pink and Dakey as psychiatric patients suffering from a good bout of narcissism and schizophrenia, me being the incurably megalomanic manic-depressive, our cannabalistic debaucheries, our treacherous and adulterous relationship sparked by greed?

They're all gone, they've moved on and ... where are they ... eh ... when you need them? I really hated them so much!

You've got a hanky present? A clean one, please.
Ah well, I see you moved on, got your own lab ... several assistants.

Auntie Danny LaRue, nah, never heard of her again either, after that postcard in Toltec saying she got stuck between the arches of the Arc the Triumphe in Paris. That was fifty years ago.

Oh, by the way have you heard the rumour? It seems it's finally going to happen, the aliens are landing. Thank goodness for that. I think I toddle back to the boardroom and switch on the telly to see the news and watch them land.

Good to see you, Doc. Give us a big hug. Now when ever you feel the need of a chat and a cup of tea just come over. If you need help or something, just bang the radiator and I'll be over in a sec. There your hanky, ta Doc.

*Ayebe pops all rubber bands in her mouth, raises a cheeky eyebrow, and makes some rather suggestive pouty faces, winks at the audience, opens mouth, and takes out a beautiful replica of rodin's 'the kiss' made entirely from knotted rubber bands, hands it to the doc with a little knowing smile*

*doc gulps

Psssst.

*Looks away with distaste*

KRABETT!

The toilet is (ahem) THAT way?

Who's Distaste?