h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can't my own monster defend me against all the other?
Do monsters eat monsters?

What's that slimy, furry, green, bloody, festering thing coming torwards me?

The slimy, furry, green, bloody, festering thing coming towards you is, in fact, a Photographus Mememememememepleaseprettyprettyplease monster, otherwise known as the Camera-Posing monster. It loves being photographed, and is quite harmless as long as you take several photgraphs of it. It won't kill you, as long as you promise to get copies of the photos and send them to it. It's very vain.

ANd yes, your monster would be a very good Guard monster as long as you train it well.

I don't have a camera with me, do you think it will notice that the stone I'm holding in front of my face is no real camera??

As long as you say ">click<" very loudly, and quickly switch this torch *hands torch over* on and off very fast so that it looks like a camera flash, it'll never know the difference. But if you do do that, you'd better buy a photo of it from our giftshop and send it to him, otherwise he'll think that you've photographed him and have refused to send him a copy - and he'll be angry!

Mooonnnnsster Waaaaarrds! Get yer Monster Wards here! Guarenteed to keep you alive*

I also have a nice line in disposable cameras, including those novelty Polaroid, Sticky Film ones.









*Please Note: Guarentee only applies to owners who apply in person, with proof of failure, signed by a defrocked priest.

(tosses a molotov cocktail at a metal thingy coming at him from the left)

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!

It worked out, I'm still alive!

Is there a monster I never have to feed, and that never pees on the carpet and doesn't make any noise?
I consider buying another monster for my radioactiv one to play with.

Yes, we have monsters like that. Some of which are even still alive!
You should try the Rock Monster. During the day time, it turns into a brick and looks like a peice of the Berlin wall. It is a distant relative of several trolls we found one day. At night time it, well, no-one knows what it does at night time, as no-one's ever seen one at night. Rumours say they become invisible. But they make very good pets.

I'll take it!
You still have my credit card.
I like to shop. This place is perfect for me. And the window decoration lookes so real, like these 5-headed snakes over there...

What? Oh, you mean Norris. He's very lifelike, though more of a mutated Siamese twin than a monster. He's quite friendly, and would make a lovely pet, but you have to feed him 5 times as much as a normal vegetarian snake, so he's expensive to look after... He also gets depressed, and sometimes has Black Moods...

I just created a Eau de toilette:
"Sewage-a scent of fear and panic"
Do you want some for your sewage shop?

Eau de toilette - I feel a literal translation is in order...

"Toilet water - scent of a sewer".. sounds great to me, Hannah Yes, I think that it would be a very remarkable and popular idea.

I'll take 10 bottles.

Where to?

10 bottles makes 20 triganic pus or what ever the currency in the sewage is...
I don't care what you use it for, take it as toilet water or whatever, if you just pay me.
It's good to get rid of vermin.

*shocked* You mean you're not in it for the love of the toilet-water manufacturing industry?

You're not exploiting my sewer for the pursuit of greed and selfishness??!?

Sorry, of course I love toilet-water.
Have a from me.