h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*PP wanders past, unsteadily, and waves a broken Old Janx Spirit bottle at DD*

PP: Can ya tell me where the ship's gone? And who landed it like this? I broke this bottle... It was almost half full... And just as I was about to take another, the ship disappeared...

*doesn't seem to notice that he's in the Paramount Studies*

Don't vorry DD, it must be the mind tricks of the toolboxians... I like the flares though...
*The Paramount lot suddenly flickers and is replaced with the bridge of the Esipretne*
They must have a time limit as to how long they can project images onto our mind...
*Notices that he is still wearing platform shoes...*
Hmmm...
*Decides to step outside for some fresh air. A variety of personell follow Checkout, including some red shirted ensigns*

DD, how close are we to that stuff we crashed here for?
*A rustling can be heard from the forest*
*Suddenly, a large net hoists up the away team*
NUBB NUBB!!!
Oh no! it's the Reebok's!

I'm gettin' a readin' about 75 metres to the East

"Johnson, can you read me over, Johnson respond!" Deputy sub sub departmental junior supervisor(temporayly atached to security)Philips called into the microphone,Nothing but static aswered him.
"Theyve gone sir, theres nothing." he straightend up and looked over to the captain.
"They cant be gone johnson theyre still on the scope their lifesigns checkout." The captain peered at the screen in the arm of his command chair.
"Weve got to find out whats....."
"Captain somethings coming over the comm!" said checkout.
"Patch it through to main speakers checkout" The remaing speakers on the bridge crackled into life.
"NUB NUB!"
"I am captain mcfairlane of the USSE ESPIRANTENE, what have you done with my away team?"
"NUB NUB!"
"They havent done anything wrong! they were on a mission of diplomacy! you cant execute them!!!!!" the captain rose to his feet and walked to the center of the bridge
"NUB NUB!"
"20 minutes! we cant raise that much irridium b in 20 minutes! it would take days to refine that amount! please we need more time!"
"NUB NUB" and the speakers shut off.
"Checkout, get me major Smith on comm, Its time those marines earned their pay..............."

Um, Keptin Mcfairlane, vhen was I transferred to the Espirantene from the Esirpretne?
And I thought i'd gone vith the avay team... It must be a toolboxian mind trick again... Vhy do they pick on me?
And the Esipirantene has marines?
I can't get Major Smith, but i've got hold of Major Tom and he says that the planet looks very different today

*Runs onto the bridge, and slams helmets onto everyone's heads*

Okay, these should provide at least a little protection from the Toolboxians. Keep in mind, Garius didn't have any time to test them fully. Now, I'm going to go outside and see if those things out there are real. If not . . . well, I'll be pretty happy.

*Walks over to the door, trying to remember something*

Oh, and if you keep in a perpetual state of anger, these helmets will definitely work. Toolboxians can't read the thoughts of those experiencing primitve emotions.

EH! No! Anger is the path to the Dark Side!

[notices that the Captain is a Sith]

Er, never mind.

*The 5.5th Doctor arrives on the bridge*

I understand the Captain was---GREAT JUMPING PSYPLOLONIAN CATFISH!

*And indeed, that's what the entire crew appears to have become*

Hmmm, there's only three races in this sector of the galaxy with that much psionic potential, and only one one in the immedate vicinity of Ebola VI. We must be near Toolbox IV. Let me see...

*rummages in pockets and produces a small bag of what looks like toffees. He takes one and passes them around to the crew*

Take one of these. The Kandeemachers of Confectionary 7 devised thses to use in their war against the Toolboxians 1456 years ago. They should blot out any images they try to confuse us with.

*munches the toffee and the crew returns to...er...normal?*

---The 5.5th Doctor

Yes.

Now, what did you understand the captain was?

I was saying that I understood the Captain was looking for me. I just wondered what he wanted...er, I say, old chap, are you aware there appears to be a small waterfowl on your head?

---The 5.5th Doctor

Yes, Captain Al was looking for you, we need your help to fight off the Horrible Somethings from Earth...

...well...we will just as soon as we get enough fuel to get us there...

mmm...these toffee's are nice...

In a sudden flash of clarity, acting captain Mcfairlane realised he hadnt read the 3 previous entries properly and hadnt realised who had and who hadnt left the ship (apologises).
"Im sorry jenkins, Im so used to checkout on comms, please raise the major if you would."(turns the colour of a tamairian beetroot)
"Aye aye sir." he fiddled with the controlls on the intercomm.
"Smith here." it was a blood and guts voice with a hard edge.
"major, we need you to go and rescue checkout and the rest of the away team."
"Any idea of what kind of resistance well get?"
"We dont know major, but they do possess imense psycic power."
"That doesnt bother us captain, half of my men dont even know who or what they are anyway."
the major shut of his communicator and turned to face his men,
"Ok you heard the man assholes and elbows! lets move it out marines!"
"yo sir! is this gonna be a straight fight or another bug hunt?"
"you secure that shit hudson, lets move it out!"
"hut hut!!!!" they made their way to the weapons and armor racks collecting a possitive arsenal of guns and explosives.
"ON ready line marines, are we mean? are we lean? come onnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!"
the major slamed a button on the wall and the access ramp blew its locks and opened to reveal the forrests of toolbox IV.................

* removes totally unnecessary helmet which got in the way of camcorder anyway *

Well, actually, I'm doing scientific research, but I am quite enjoying myself as well so you could say I was just hanging. It appears that this crew has a knack for getting into novel predicaments, and, apparently, getting out of them again. Since you don't seem to be needing to buy any Perriair at the moment, I think I'll just sit back and take notes.

* gets out a large padd-like device which is of course not of ??fleet origin and begins to write on it *

And, I'm not a sub-pan-dimensional being. The closest thing you've got to that is my sister over there [nods to fabt] but how she managed to get herself turned into a Borg tribble I'll never know. I'm just an unusual alien life form without much patience for normal first contact procedures.

* gets out a chocolate bar and begins to munch *

You know...being 1st officer on this ship should mean I'd know everything that is or isn't here...and well...I never knew we had marines...

Hmm...they would have been useful when we were saving the Disney Planet...would have saved us a lot of red-shirted extras...

Or am I just seeing things again...

*starts thinking about all the trouble these marines could have saved her when she was climing around ventilation shafts after aliens all those forums ago...*

*Suddenly comes to her sense & decides that something needs to be done*

Just for the extra sanity(?) of the crew, and to avoid sylmposts of various kinds along with getting rid of the illusion that these Toolboxians are putting on us that the foums taking too long to download...



All crew of the Esirpretne, prepare for a forum change



http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=37895&thread=54485

Being turned into a borg tribble is a painful process involving
a spherecal cusioncover, copydex glus, fake fur, lots of pushing and some bad words.

and someone to sew up the cushion cover once you are inside.

does that answer your question oh non pandimensional one???? (MaW)

fabt

I meant glue

I also meant spherical

0 0 0 0
o o o oo
o o o o
o o
o o o
o o


How do you get fish to blow bubbles????

Put washing up liquid in their tank of course.

Now, to more important matters.

[into recorder] I now go to observe the action of the ship's marines on the planet Toolbox IV. The motives for using such military force are as yet unclear, and I think that perhaps this crew is a little too ready to resort to violence as a method of solving personal problems.

* does the rippling-air trick to go and watch the marines *

Sorry,
we got bored down in engeneering thru lack of work, so we decided to have a party.
Whats there to do?
And why is there a wookie down there?

Don't ask me. Has everybody else gone down to Toolbox IV?