h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*GL regales the crew with tales of the Salami Races*

... and then the leader spun out and 3 other Salamis slamed into it and ...

Oookay... What about this mission then?

(I think we need some new and innovative plot twist, he said parenthetically.)

Okay, how about we call up the guys on the Raven and invite them over for milk and cookies or something? On the other hand, we could simply make some fun modifications to the probe that the've undoubtedly placed aboard this ship - possibly involving Ampton, but I'm not sure.

(Hey, just because we're the good guys doesn't mean we can't mess with the bad guys' heads. The double agents get to drink huge quantities of alcohol, thus messing with their own heads. )

Yes, once we depart, we shall invite the scum over for milk and cookies! Brilliant thinking, Davius!

*A few short hours later, the entire crew is looking at the Risa space station*

I don't understand. Where are ships six and seven? I wonder . . . you don't think that Red might've already caught up to us, do you?

~Ampton enters, drinking large quantities of alchohol and thus messing with his own mind~

Looks like everybody gets their own narrator.

Hey, Cow asked for an interesting plot twist, I proposed one.

Uh, logical problem here. Ampton is a robot. Alcohol would short him out if he got it in the wrong place, but it could not make him drunk.

On a more interesting note, it logically follows that Ampton is a double agent, possibly having been reprogrammed due to his said robotitude. (Hey, you know, we could spy on them, too. If only we knew where they were...) Anyway, I can think of all sorts of neat stuff we could do at this point, but they never do the logical thing on Star Trek, and it makes the episodes a lot more exciting. Therefore, I think I'll leave well enough alone and see what they do next.

*Walks back to the bridge.*

Hey, has anyone seen Irving? I've looked everywhere for him. I even sent out a search party of extras to comb the station, but they just reported back empty handed (except for the Mars bars). I'm afraid something might happened to him.

Davius, I don't believe you were around when Ampton was created several months ago, but he is quite capable of becoming drunk, addicted, etc. I programmed him to have certain human flaws, mixed in with robotic ones. For instance, he's been addicted to break dancing ever since some donut crumbs got stuck in his mainframe.

BTW, Garius, not only have we lost Irving, but we seem to have lost two ships from our fleet. I wonder . . .

*Notices Ampton listening, all too intently too every word. Decides to heed the warning that Davius gave, even though it is only based on posts made by Red, including one from Hangar 13 which does all but say that Ampton is a double agent*

I wonder if . . . our equipment is malfunctioning. I mean, surely we would've been able to have contacted the other ship. Let's start inspecting all machines. Including . . .

*Slowly counts. One, two, thre . . .*

AMPTON! GET 'IM!

*The entire crew begins chasing Ampton around the bridge*

*Dives over the captain's chair and manages to grab Ampton's ankle, but Ampton squirms away.*

*Affy snaps his fingers, runs out of the room, and comes back in with several donuts on a silver platter. A visible struggle goes on in Ampton's mind: programming, or donuts? Programming, or donuts? In a few seconds, Ampton crashes onto the ground, motionless. Affy runs over*

Oh, poor Ampton! I think I shorted him . . . Garius, get me the schematics, will you? This needs to be done carefully. If Ampton doesn't survive . . .

*Affy stares blankly at Ampton*

That was positively brilliant!

Once again, Ampton is a robot. He cannot die, by definition.

I don't see Garius, but the schematics should be in the computers back at Crater Labs, right?

*Fizzles out of sight. About 15 seconds later, fizzles back.*

Here are the schematics, Affy. And a few rather interesting tools I found lying around. Might not want to give him motion until we can restore his brain from a backup, though.

Hmm... It seems as though I presented myself to the incorrect forum. Anyway thanks for the Power Suit. I'll be around if you need me...

Ampton can't die. But we can switch him off!

Rule #1 of transendance - never forget where your on-off switch is.

*Assists Affy in removing Ampton's front panel. Follows wires through his insides, comparing with the schematics. Everything checks out until...*

Hey, what's this? It doesn't show on the schematics.

Why is it flashing gently?

If you're hearing this, it means you've activated the self-destruct mechanism I put inside Ampton when I reprogramed him. It's flashing gently because it's going to go off with a loud bang in a few moments. Thank you for your time -- you may want to start believing in a religion just about now.


/Red

Noooooo....


What we really need now is the curtain to come down and have this as the cliff hangar to next Saturday. Except it's friday.

Er... in response to you guys' invitation for milk and cookies, Afy and I have arranged for a neutral forum where no one will be armed and we can all have a bit of a social gathering. It's the Risa Space Station Aroma Café, and it's located here:
http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?MESSAGES[(THREADID*55503?forumid*35868)THREADS[(THREADID*55503?forumid*35868?subset*0)#

Er... I suppose that the bomb's explosion can be postponed until we're done having our little soirée and you're all back on the ship, ready to do something heroic like runing in fear, or handing the bomb off to someone you don't like, or just shoving Ampron out the airlock like the yellow bellied little... oops. Forgot this was a social call.

See you soon,

/Cmdr Red