h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The fleet comes out of hyperspace, hidden behind the pluto-shaped moon. Polka speakers at the ready, it hangs there, alert...*

Hmmmmmm, not much happening...

Is this pluto shaped moon small and circular, or does it have a dog's face imprinted on it?

And isn't a parsec a rather long detour?

Yes, but it was worth it. Look.

*punches some buttons and brings up a tactical map on the main viewscreen. The tactical map shows a large dot and two smaller dots beside a small group of fuzzy dots. All of the dots are almost exactly at the original position where the Mangar would have come out of hyperspace.*

The big dot is the Raven, the two smaller dots are our missing ships. The small group of fuzzy dots are the Rodentar fleet, which is composed of, let's see ... *punches some buttons* three one man fighter ships, a largely defunct carrier ship, and two battle ships that are badly in need of repairs. They won't have noticed us here, as the moon is between us and them, and we are so close to the moon that they won't notice us on their radar. So, surprise is ours!

And yes, Cow, the moon is actually dog-shaped and has a very meandering orbit. From my last visit in this vicinity, I remember there is a cave just under the tail. Last time, there were Klingons hiding there, but they were blown away due to some gas ejection from the cave.

Captain, what is the plan of battle?

Does this orbit consist of moving from each of those massive, several AU long lamposts to another one?

Only if that orbit keeps us out of view.

Now, the battle plan. Now, just to be in good taste, we should demonstrate our brand new weapons to the ... "fleet" (used in the loosest possible sense) of the Rodentars. The Raven is the only real threat, and we could overwhelm it. But that would remove an essential villain from our story.

So, load the frozen-but-will-explode-when-defrosted-Anti-Ampton into the missile launcher, and shoot it at the most powerful ship made by the Rodentars. Have the polka guns set on the highest intensity (blare). We will bounce the polka songs off ...

*Scans the viewscreen. Points*

That asteroid. It's fairly near where we were supposed to come out, anyway, plus, with all of the holes in it, if we were hiding behind it, we could shoot our enemies from there. When the Rodentars fly out to investigate, blast 'em. Then shoot Anti-Ampton at their lead ship.

We'll probably destroy most of the fleet, but I think it would be nicer to just leave, and let them think that we could have destroyed them.

Oh, and a friend of mine bought a third polka medley by "Weird Al", so we've got more music to work with.

*Installs "Hooked On Polkas" into the computer*

*rubs his hands at the possibility of impending violence*

*Sets up the polkas on "Blare", and simultaneously bounces "Polka Power!", "Polka You Eyes Out", and "Hooked On Polkas" off the asteroid*

That'll lead 'em here soon! All hands to battle stations! And one reference to "Thing" from the Adam's Family'll get you thrown in the brig, I mean it!

Brilliant plan, Captain. By bouncing the polkas off the holey asteroid, it will break the tight concentration of the beam and the normal effect on the target ships, which is to cause all crew members to polka uncontrollably, will be moderated to simply causing extreme annoyance. That should draw them to the asteroid. Then we can blast the Rodentars and dodge the Raven and land on Disney planet for refuelling (that's why we're here, isn't it?). Of course, we will have to dodge the Raven again going out, but we could probably use the polka-cannons for that.

*looks across at the radar screen*

They're coming straight for us, Cap'n Affy!

*Star Trek-style rumbling, scenery wobbles, etc.*

Uh-oh, The Raven appears to have stolen a march on us! Full thrusters!
* *
Err, full thrusters!
* *

Oh dear...

Fire forward phasers, polkas, and snowzars! Someone tell me why our forward thrusters aren't working!

Käpt'n I think it's just the fuse, Ampton changed it last week and as bad as he was I think he only installed a 21MAmp and not the 42 MAmp we need for full thrusters ... so now when we need it, it blows away ...

I will go and work on that ... DO ANYBODY HAVE A CANDLE?

"See if you can find one in the first aid box over there"
*opens the box and looks horrified* Oh ... Shhhit, I hope nobody will be injured soon .............
*picks up a candle and works of the bridge*

(Why is there a candle in a first aid box?)

If I would know that, I would feel better

*whispering*
... btw there wasn't any first aid stuff in this box neither ; just some old donuts, cookies, candles ...etc. etc.

Donuts???

*springs toward the box, as his nerw theme tune plays throughout the ship*

"I'm Slim Shady
Yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitatin'
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up"

And Eminem has *what* to do with donuts?
Or battling with infectious polka rhythms?

Well, while the thrusters are being fixed, jsut keep firing at the Raven.

Meanwhile, I'm going to watch "UHF" again. Saw it for the first time today, and I think it's worth putting in again while I wait.

*Pulls out a battery powered VCR/TV player, and puts in the movie*

~The Raven is at full sheilds with it's Polka Dampers (designed by Lenore while in hyperspace) on. The rest of the Rodentar fleet is getting the snot kicked out of them, and even "missing" CLI ships seem to be catching flack, being closely clustered around the Raven. Please remember that the "innocent" crews of these ships are most likely still alive (Red needing leverage in barganing) so it would be a pity to destroy them. And remember that Irving Washington is missing. Suddently an eMail pops up on the Mangar's screen~

ISURRENDER.DOC from [email protected]

Open? Delete?

Oops! For continuity reasons, please pretend Red posted that, which shouldn't be hard, as it was mostly narration anyway.

'ISURRENDER.DOC?' Well ... let me think ... trust an Email from an enemy may not be very intelligent, but then again, we're about due for another near-fatal disaster. This is a problem to consider ...


Red, might I inquire about this "I Surrender" message? Why didn't you just type the message in the Email, or why not just negotiate surrender like this?

*Moose pops out of a service duct underneath the main bridge*

I apologize I was sort of spending my time where I felt most at home, you know with all of the technology and stuff and I think I see the problem. As AXR indicated there does appear to be a problematic fuse. I've taken the liberty of replacing it but there appears to be extensive damage to some of the assorted wirings down here, I can fix it but I'll need time, I suggest you stall him for now, keep him talking about this surrender thing.

Oh and I would be careful with that e-mail.... Could have a virus, you know all this time and Microsoft Outlook still is susceptible to these stupid viruses...

*disappears again*