h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~On the laptop, the poem and virus finish running their courses. The final stanza reads:

"Out -- out are the lights -- out all!
And, over each quivering form,
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
And the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy "Man,"
And its hero the Conqueror Worm"

The hard drive of the laptop is sadly erased. A picture of the Mangar's navigator, Irving Washington, bound and gagged and sitting on the floor of a holding cell in the back of the Raven fills the screen. Red's voice is heard:~

Continue shooting at us all you like. Just remember who we have on board. Precious Irving has been unconcious since Captain Black read him some of her favorite Vogon Poems. Would you like to hear his reaction?

~An unholy scream, in Irving's tortured voice is heard. It goes on for an unnaturally long time~

We are not prepared to ransom him just yet. We'll keep him as insurance. But for now we will promise not to read him anymore poetry, or submit him to this Montressor, our Anarchist Android, unless you try anything clever on us.

~The screen blips off and the laptop is dead. Time to reinstall your software, Captain Afgncaap5~

Montressor? Great, Red has another flunky. Anyway, we have two options: wait in this ship while the repairs are being finished, or, as GL stated, we could explore the cave. That might be fun.

Anyone remember when the Esirpretne was here, and the captain was kidnapped by Pan and U? Ah, the memories of the Rodentar System ...

*raises hand*
Err, may I suggest that this might be a good time to take my Chromemobile out for a test flight. Who's free to co-pilot, just in case anything happens?

Sure, Chrome, sounds like a good idea. I think I'll stay with the ship at the moment, while we explore a little. Hope your chromemobile has strong lights - this cave is very dark. I still can't see the other end. I sure hope it has another exit, since I'm sure the Raven will be waiting for us to come out the way we went in. Can someone tell me how many of our ships made it in here to safety?

*While waiting for an answer GL observes that the cave branches up ahead. He arbitrarily chooses the right tunnel and steers the Mangar towards it.*

CLI SHIP #7: Last seen in Red's convoy, having been hijacked. It took quite a beating in the firefight, but the crew is still alive onboard, though they've certainly all wet themselves by now.

CLI SHIP #6: Ditto

CLI SHIP #5: Blown into space debris by the Raven during the firefight. Several escape pod launches detected, whereabouts of crew unknown.

CLI SHIP #4: Sustained wing and engine damage during firefight. One ensign in a red shirt was killed, two officers were wounded, but have stabilized in sickbay.

CLI SHIP #3: Avoided heavy fire during the fight but busted it's landing gear while attempting to land inside the cave.

CLI SHIP #2: In perfect condition. It's commanding officer has a slight migrane, and it's communications officer a minor case of indigestion.

CLI SHIP #1: The Mangar. Ship damaged but being repaired. Most of crew present, well, and accounted for. Navigator/Communications Officer Irving Washington has now been confirmed as Red's captive.

Normally I'd be happy to go co-pilot but it seems I've got a lot of work to do, Fruitcake being one of the most damaging substances in the known universe. Only the most evil and trecherous of beings would even think of using a fruitcake launching weapon to attack their foe. So why don't we have one yet? Sounds to me like a job for weapons officer...

Better yet why not install a targeting matrix so that we could launch counter-fruitcakes against any red would send at us to smash it out of existance. Might prevent us from getting smashed up this bad again.

Fruitcake being the densest substance known to man, a high speed collision between two fruitcakes would likely create a blackhole~

*thinks*
Since Moose and AXR appear to be better at the whole Engineering thing than me, may I suggest some changes to the crew roster:

Moose: Chief Engineer
AXR: Deputy Engineer
Chrome101: Scout and Ship's Cook

oh, and -

Irving Washington: Tortured but still Unbending Captive

A fruitcake cannon? I could do that... And I almost asked who would bake the fruitcakes but I don't - Chrome101, would you or are you too busy going to test your shuttle? Perhaps if the fruitcakes were made to collide near the entrance to the cave with Raven closing, it would be drawn into the black hole and we could escape through the other entrance... Oh, but Irving is still being captured in Raven... Damn...

Ummm ... if you don't mind, I am rather itching to get out there and scout around. I'm just waiting in case anyone wants to be co-pilot.

But I suppose i could dash off a quick one...
*rushes into the galley, and seals AXR's giant pizza to the wall with epoxy resin*
Phew, now it'll ~never~ come loose.
*proceeds to mix and bake weapions-grade fruitcake*

*Sees another branch to the tunnel up ahead. Arbitrarily takes the left tunnel. Soon a dim glow can be seen up ahead. The glow gets brighter until the Mangar emerges into a large cavern, lit by some sort of phosphorescent crystals covering the walls.*

This seems to be a good place to finish our repairs and wait while our other ships do the same.

*Glances at the shield strength meter and notices that it is back up to 3/4 power. Radios the other ships in the fleet to assemble in the crystal cavern.*

Chrome, it would be a good idea for you to explore and map the tunnels in this moon. It seems like quite a system of twisty little passages, all alike. There may be some useful materials in here and I feel certain that there is another exit, probably up by the mouth. Good luck and keep in touch frequently by radio.

I think you should first try going left, right, left left right. Then an about turn...

*pops his haed out off a duct* ... well, I would be proud to be deputy engineer .

Käpt'n the repairs are going on very well and there are only some hundreds of cables loose, so I would say we need less than a day ...

btw ... have you ever seen what happens when you give a lot of water to a fruitcake ... normally it becomes soft.
so if we build an particular water shield and synchronize it with our fruitcakecanon, in this way we can smash the incoming cakes with ours and with avoiding the blackhole effect ... just an idea

*grabs the next bunch of cables*

*leaves the cake-making to GL, walks to the main hangar and pilots the Chromemobile out into the cavern.*
Hmmmmm, I choose ... that tunnel.
*Switches his headlights on to full power, turns his stereo system up, and enters the tunnel...*

Hello, this is Chrome101's official scout log, Day 1. I am currently piloting the Chrommobile through a long dark tunnel. Nothing has happened yet, but I'm sure my exploration will turn something up...

[Pass the Chromemobile down the tunnel to a point quite along way down it. An X-wing starfighter with the words "Up There" spraypainted on it in green is sitting there, inactive. Cut to interior of cockpit. YK is relaxing, apparently asleep. Almost everything is turned off. Suddenly, he starts.]

Uh-oh.

[The astromech droid, R2-B4, starts warbling. YK glances at the translation.]

Something's coming. We'd better get ready to get out fast.

[He flips a few switches and the sound of things turning on is heard. Cut to exterior. The Chromemobile is headed almost straight towards them. The X-wing, hidden by an outcropping, starts its engines.]

Hello...?
*The outline of a fully active X-wing fighter is visible on the infra-red scan. Chrome stares at it as he stops his ship. For a while the two craft do nothing. Then Chrome decides to break the deadlock. Opening a comm channel to the ship, he sends a standaed greeting:*

Errm, hello?
Are you friendly?

[Cut to interior of X-wing cockpit]

[R2-B4 beeps and tweets]

Huh. Okay. Let's hear it.

[They hear it]

[R2-B4 chirps and whistles a question]

I don't know. Maybe if you weren't so dead set on making that side trip to Dantooine we wouldn't need to worry about that.

[R2-B4 blats and warbles rudely]

Oh, switch off!

[YK activates the transmitter, as well as the universally infamous Jedi calm]

I believe so. Who're you? I'm YK, a Jedi Knight.

I'm Chrome101, Cheif Scout of the Crater Labs Mission to Zork. but then you already saw that from the thread subject!
Our ship is currently hiding in a cave, after a tense and climatic space battle. We were only saved by freak circumstances involving fruitcake, pizza, an unknown friend of mine, and this Chromemobile here.
*wishes he had a droid to converse with at this point*
So anyway, you're not a native of the Rodentar system, are you? Cause we had an unpeasant run-in with their "fleet", heh heh heh!
*a long story later* ... So we was getting in there, polka cannons firing full blast, when suddenly they lets loose this great big hunk of fruitcake, tears a huge hole in our ship. So Garius Lupus, he thinks "I'll show them!" So he's sitting there, going at The Raven hammer and tongs...

*realises he is not doing much for interstellar diplomacy*
Errr ... speak to you later!

[Interior, YK's X-wing, cockpit]

[under breath] Sheesh.

No, I'm from a planet called Earth; I'd been going from there to Damogran with just enough fuel, made a side trip to Dantooine -- I've made a summer home there -- and got stuck here. I had a little run-in with some Rodentars, myself.

[R2-B4 warbles a question]

No, I'm perfectly sure we're okay. We just need to get the fuel, and we can head back to Damogran.

[R2-B4 beeps worriedly]

Hey, I'm a Jedi. If anything goes wrong --

[R2-B4 interrupts]

"Heir to the Empire"? Yes, I've read that, but I don't think anyone here's been to or even heard of Myrkr.

[Exterior: Space - tunnel]
[YK's X-wing takes off and starts moving toward the Chromemobile]

Mangar to Chromemobile. Everything okay? Found anything interesting?