h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You mean.... No, you can't mean ... Oh no!

We have released the Crystal Entity.

What do we do, YK? Chrome? Anyone?

I could tell you, but I haven't seen that episode of Star Trek for years, and I made the mistake of not buying the Star Trek Omnipedia that was in the bookstores a few years back. Anyway, I think we're in trouble. The Crystaline Entity feeds off energy, and we're loaded with it.

OH-oh!

(I'll do the scan myself!)

[races over to a console, looks at it for a bit turns to R2-B4] Er, help?

[R2-B4 goes over, inputs his information jack, and turns to YK, who looks at the console]

WHADDAYA /MEAN/, A COFFEE MACHINE!?

[R2-B4 twitters innocently, and sends a subspace pulse while doing a tachyon scan. YK looks at the results]

OH-oh!

A graviton pulse! If I remember correctly the original crystalline entity was defeated by a graviton pulse that resonated with the structure and caused it to shatter, If we could just find the frequency...

Artoo, punch in formula 47-B. [R2-B4 bweerps in protest] All right then, INPUT formula 47-B! [R2-B4 complies, tweeting. When he's done, YK looks at the readout] There. That should be the right frequency, if bad comes to worse.

However, it looks like worse is going to come to really nasty once we're done! We've got to deal with one of the Hundred Terrible Things Out There!

*As the tachyon pulse behins to power up, the groaning grows louder still. A strange crystalline tentacle extends towards the Mangar. The dramatic music grows louder. Chrome covers his ears and ducks under the communications desk.*

Artoo?

[R2-B4 chirps in response]

Mark.

[R2-B4 blathers for a bit]

I meant turn on the graviton pulse!

[R2-B4 does so; the Chrystalline Entity explodes]

Great. Now let's get the s**t out of here before that One of the Hundred Terrible Things comes after us!!

Hundred terrible things? I think we just conquered the most terrible thing in the Rodentar System.

*Is about to continue, but is silenced by a very loud groan. Looks around*

YK, did you turn off that burst? It blew up the entity, but... I think the cavern we're in is about to collapse. This'd be a good time to turn it off.

OH [sic]! ARTOO!

[R2-B4 squawks in alarm and turns it off]

Sorry.

...

[gets all excited] Well, you think the Rodentars are bad! There's a Hundred Terrible Things out there that would freeze your blood if you knew about them! The Horrible Somethings, I think, are One of the Hundred Terrible Things! The Yuzhon Vong (I think that's right) are another One of the Hundred Terrible Things! And the Vermicious K'nids*! And with most of them, when a Jedi tries to sense 'em, he'll find nothing! Just an empty spot in the Force! He won't even be able to sense nothing there! Ugh! It makes my blood freeze just to /consider/ thinking about 'em!

[calms down]

Fortunately, the Force thing doesn't apply to the Horrible Somethings, but it does apply to what we're about to deal with!

[The wall that was blocking whatever the One of the Hundred Terrible Things collapses]

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!

[*Footnote: for more info on the Vermicious K'nids, kindly read "Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator" by Roald Dahl. The Yuzhon Vong appear in the new Star Wars book series, The New Jedi Order.]

Okay, people, let's get out before this cave collapses. Meanwhile, we've got to get onto the Disney Planet and search for Irving. IT won't be very nice down there. The Rodentars have had a grudge against CLI ever since the Esirpretne crew destroyed most of the theme park.

Increasing shields to full strength, diverting all additional power to the thrusters... I hope those new structural shorings are in place. If not we're gonna be really flat, really quick.

Huh. If that One of the Hundred Terrible Things gets us, you'll /wish/ we'd gotten flat quick.

[Exterior: Space: Tunnel]

[The Mangar is moving very fast as the tunnel starts to collapse]

[Exterior: Space: Cavern]

[The wall collapses. What resembles a Borg Cube except that its color scheme is red, yellow, and blue instead of green and black comes out of the rubble. It heads down the tunnel with nasty sounding warbling noises]

[Interior: Mangar: Bridge]

[Everything is shaking. YK starts in alarm]

Uh-oh ... it's coming after us!

[R2-B4 warbles in alarm]

[Exterior: Space: Tunnel]

[The multicolored cube flies after the Mangar]

Okay, I'm taking her out.

*Consults Chromes map and steers for the alternate exit that he found. The Mangar emerges forcefully from the nostril of the dog-shaped moon just as the moon explodes. The other ships in the fleet are also ejected from the nostril. GL quickly looks at the scanners.*

No sign of the Raven, but there are a couple of smaller craft nearby. They seem to be keeping their distance at the moment, so I'm heading to the Disney Planet surface. We should land in a few hours.

*looks at the scanners again*

Seems we have picked up a hitchhiker - the fleet has one extra ship. What is that thing, YK?

It's One of the Hundred Terrible Things! And it's headed our way! Frankly, I'd rather deal with the entire Rodentar fleet than whatever that thing is!

[Exterior: Space: Outside the Moon]

[The cube grabs one of the ships in a tractor beam and appears to eat the ship]

[Interior: Mangar: Bridge]

Er, not that that says much.

[Exterior: Space: Starfield]

[The cube spits out a ship with a red/blue/yellow color scheme that is the size of the ship it had eaten]

*Examines the approaching enemy*

It resembles a Bjorg Cube...except that the Bjorg would've boarded us by now, and most of them were destroyed in the battle Esirpretne had against the Horrible Somethings. It's not...it almost looks like a Rubix Cube. All weapons target it at full power, and...wait, no! It's trying to eat us! Let's give it something to eat. Are those fruitcakes done yet?

[There is a humming noise, and what appears to be several Borg materialize, only they are made up in the same red, yellow, blue color scheme]

You said something about having boarded us by now?

[The spokesbeing says, "We are the Parasitans. We seek to bring you closer to perfection."]

Well, at least they sound more appealing than "resistance is futile."

["As you are a Jedi, we will bring you with us first."]

Oh no you won't!

[YK brings out his disproportionately long lightsaber (It looks like two silver-colored flashlights stuck together at the ends, with buttons next to the switches, both of which, at the moment, are "on"). He flips one of the switches to the "off" position and presses the button on that side. The blue blade arms on that end. He flips the same switch to the "on" position again.]

[The Parasitan says, "Uh-oh" and the entire group dematerializes. Another group materializes on the other side of the bridge]

Rotating shield frequency modulation to cut off trasporter signals from the rubics cube. Attmepting to lock onto part of the cube with the tractor beam, maybe if we can unalign the sides we can send it into disarray. Attempting to rotate the middle side topwise... It's no good I can't get a lock on it, I need more power. Chrome, YK do your ships have tractor beams? If they do we can try to lock all three onto the same coordinates, the combined power could be enough to rotate the side and make the cube unsolvable, If you can throw some of that Jedi power in there too that'd be a great help.

Jedi power will be of no help! I've told you about the Force problem with the Hundred Terrible Things! Besides, that's not a Rubics Cube! That's a Parasitan Cube!

Besides, whatabout THEM!? [points to the Parasitans who are standing at one end of the bridge. One of them immediately rushes over, grabs YK, and gets sliced up by the lightsaber] No good, I still can't sense him.

[YK and the Parasitans abruptly vanish, not using any apparent form of transporter technology. The lightsaber, disarming itself, falls to the floor]