h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~In a much less amusing corner of the solar system, Irving is trying to hunt food in the few hours of twilight aforded by the planet's ungodly day/night cycle wich leave him with 24 hours of daylight each day, and only 3 hours of anything resembling night. He stabs a wompumrat with a fork and goes back to a dark cave he's been using for shelter to eat it. He is slowly dying of thirst, and hopes that his signal will be picked up soon~

*Hears some beeps from his comm-unit. Checks it*

Okay, good news and bad news. We've found Irving (goo), and he's on another planet (bad). Also, it's to hard to beam us out of here. Just thought you might like to know that I'm not going to let us get out of this with the handy "beaming" tool. It's too easy. I'll do it this way.

*Picks up a chair and throws it at the window, which manages to burst open, even with all of the water pressure. As the cabin begins to quickly fill with water, Affy picks up Peet (who was gawking at the new "special effects"), and jumps out, managing to not get his arms ripped off due to the amount of water pushing in. Affy looks up, and realizes that it might have been a better idea to wait. Starts swimming up, out of the water*

*Gurgle*

*Feels a vibration. Feels it again. Looks around at submarine, which has a half-inch of water on the floor. Feels vibration again. The light suddenly dawns and he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his pocket scanner.*

Who's the joker who set this to vibrate?

*Checks scanner.*

Hey - we've picked up a signal from Irv. He's not on this planet at all! He's on Ratatatoine. Let's see ... at the time when his tranporter beams were sent out, Ratatatooine would have been on the opposite side of this planet - the beam must have passed right through this planet and deposited him on that one. Now all we have to do is get out of this stupid submarine.

*As if hearing the insult, the thin stream becomes a thicker stream.*

*The thick stream can hardly compete with the stream coming in the broken window. The sub quickly fills as everyone makes their way out the window.*

*Gloop gloop gloop*

(Note to continuity: Desperately trying to position myself as the "plucky comic relief", in order to distance myself from the four redshirts et. al. I left behind in the sub.)

*As he swims towards the window, turns around and notices Peet still sitting. Plucks Peet out of his seat and pushes him out the window. The comic is relieved.*

(Don't worry. Red suited extras are supposed to die at some point in the story. That's life)

*Affy finally manages to pull himself and Peet out of the water. Affy and Peet quickly run to where the Mangar is hidden before security officers get them for breaking Disney property*

(It's hard to run with Affy on one end and Garius on the other, but Peet seems to manage somehow...)

Well, Pete, looks like you are in for another ride. No line for this one, though.

*Chrome thrashes out of the water, entagled in the bloated corpse of the obese American tourist. he stabs it repeatedly with the Fork of destiny, as he rolls over and over in the frothing red shallows. (It is all very Moby Dick, and yes I like to take the pee out of fat American tourists).*
Aaaarrrrgh! Take that you foul creature!

*Suddenly realises it is dead. Runs up the beach and rejoins the damp remnants of the crew. Wonders who will shout the obligatory line when they find out that Kenny has been killed.*

Well, don't look at me.

(BTW, what's so bad about american tourists? Sure, they're annoying, sure they enter other people's countries expecting to find everything either a lot better or a lot worse than their own country, sure most of them don't even both to learn how to correctly speak the language of the country they go to, but is there something other than that? I'm just curious.)

Okay, how many more people are under the water?

And don't look at me, either (never seen it).

I think all of the Mangar crew escaped, except for those red shirted extras: the oneepisode brothers. And we saved Peet, too. I hope they have good insurance here.

Now, where did we park the Mangar. Sometimes those SEP fields work too well.

*Cough*

Thanks, Guys!

You may have heard of me - I used to be a warp field engineer, but after a mishap with a missing minus sign I found out that modern art was a much more lucrative passtime... Remember that inside-out Galaxy class starship that won the Turner prize...?

Anyhow, I've been using the winnings to go on every ride on the Disney planet, as they don't currently have an extradition treaty with... well... anyone, really!

Okay, fine, I'll say it!

[to Garius Lupus] OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!

*shouts back at YK* You B******!
OK, now that's finished...

*looks around for the Mangar. Finally finds it, hidden behind a tub of foot lotion.*
Hang on, this looks like it belongs to Jacculus. Oh well, I'll return it to him later IF we ever get back...

*the crew troop into the Mangar. A few minutes later, it lifts off and heads over the horizon at an astonishing speed. Only a few bits of submarine and a fat American tourist wallowing in the shallows pay testimony to the Magar's visit.*

*Relaxes on the bridge at the Engineering station*

Well glad that's done, I can't stand Disney. But thankfully we'll soon have our full crew back aboard. We do have those ships on our tail once again and I'd suggest that if we have found Irving, they may have found their commander seeing as they were sent off in the same accident. Well, nothing to do but pick up Irving and wait to see if the Raven comes back.

*The Mangar drops low over Ratatooine. It is a cold and forbidding desert world, enlightened only by a few stray fibres of candy floss that the interstellar winds have blown across from the Disney Planet.*

(Oh, and LOL at the planet's name )

(Quick question - am I correct in imagining each change of subject as a "Flash Gordon"-esque wipe between scenes, complete with overlaid hand-painted caption and menacing accordion chord?)