h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The vast array of locks on the exterior airlock of the Biome clang open. Only four people have the entry codes to the Space Centre Biome, that top secret research centre where genetically modified plants 'n' stuff are developed. Who could it be?
Chrome101 steps into the Biome. The airlock instantly clangs shut with a somewhat forbidding sound*
[editorial]Well, I didn't think it would be ~him~...[/editorial]

Oh sut up. There's nothing fishy going on here. I just asked for the code from Affie. Thanx Afiie!

*Trips on a clump of weed*
Ouch! Now that I think about it, it looks rather ... overgrown. Where's Garius Lupus? As Head Groundskeeper, he should be dealing with this.

*Takes out his pocket Holo-Communicator and prepares to signal GL.
Suddenly, a blur of motion flashes past behind the dense foliage. He blinks - and it is gone.
Suddenly, Chrome101 feels very, very cold...*

*Enters*

My, this place has become a near jungle! Perfect for keeping fresh air in a space station! BTW, you're welcome. Although, I have no recollection of giving it to you . . . oh, I'm sure it'll come back to me. I'm just here for . . .

*Walks over to a bench, and takes a potted plant that resembles a venus fly trap*

this. Sad to say it, but I think it's time we sent this little guy back to its own dimension. Say, Chrome, why the pale face? You look like you've seen an ethereal phantasmic free floating phenomenon!

I dunno. I have a feeling that something isn't quite right here...

*The foliage rustles again*

*... and out steps Garius Lupus, with pruning shears in hand.*

Nice lush growth, eh? I keep the humidity and temperature within a tight range, and I have a special mix of nutrients that I use ...

*notices eyes glazing over*

... but never mind about that. What can I do for you?

*Behind GL, a tall plant, with whip-like appendages on the top, moves 3 paces to the left.*

*Points dramatically*

WHAT IS THAT! It looks like one of those . . . those octopus trees from the Hork-Bajir home world. What are they called again? Oh, never mind. Garius, these plants . . . I think some of them may be a health hazard. Well, my little Petunia here is an exception of course.

*Motions to the fly trap that seems to grin*


Oh, darn it! I've created a Petunia! Another non-researcher character for h2g2! Now it'll always exist! And I have to care for it somehow! Oh, darn these laws of continuity!

*appears near the door wondering where this place actually is*

~Ernesto enters crawling through a hole in the wall~

Hey Alien, It looks like one of these plants has eaten a hole in this wall, the opening is kind of smooth and has green goop around the edges. The hole opens up into the ventilation system, I followed a green goo trail here from my freshly mended studio wall.

Yeah, Yeah, but my wall looked like it would be easier to fix from this side, I didn't think about getting out.

BTW, what is that big green thing with tenticles?

~Ernesto whips out his emergency pocket camera and takes a few pics before heading to a place near the door where he hopes he can disapear as quickly as Alien apeared.~

Good thing I find you here, Ernesto... I got worried when I heard you had been talking about holes in the walls in the Employment Agencies and I was able to track you to the Engine Room but then no one seemed to know where you are anymore... Must be because you were crawling in that ventilation system... What a coincidence that I happened to come here just when you did too... Now who can explain what has actually happened here? And what that green thing with tentacles is? Garius, none of your plants are dangerous, are they?

*Wanders in with inocent look on face...*
*Looks around at mass plant life*
*Considers whether a large conifer is staring at him...*

*...*


*Runs...*

Oh, they're not dangerous. At least not many of them are. What I mean is, only a few could kill ...

Um, let me start over.

These plants include specimens collected from all over the galaxy, and some are my own creation. *smiles proudly*. The one with the tentacles is my biggest accomplishment. It was inspired by a book: The day of the triffids. It is, in fact, a triffid. Except _my_ triffid can't walk, like the ones in the book, so it is no danger.

*Behind GL, the triffid dances back and forth, waving it's tentacles. When GL turns around, it stands still.*

And I'll have to fix that hole in the wall. I've told the acid slime plant over and over that if it can't keep within this room that I will be ejecting it into space. I'll give it one more chance, but then that's it.

Oh, don't do that, GL. I've heard that its slime can be useful in magical and scientific potions. If it breaks out again, can I have it for the Bio-Research portion of the Crater Labs complex?

Sure. It's really a nice plant - just a bit mischevious, which can be fatal on a space station if it picks the wrong wall to eat through.

*Behind GL, the triffid is playing skip-rope using one of its tentacles. When GL turns around, it is standing still.*

Er, Garius? You're sure that this triffid won't be able to pull itself out of the ground?

Hey, i never noticed this place before.

This looks nice, I can come here to relax... *sees triffid creeping up behind Garius*

Eh, Garius? Have you noticed you've got a rather large malicious looking plant coming up behind you?

~Ernesto arives wearing body armor and carrying a camera with a riot shield attached to it.~

Hey Moose, how are you doing. Oh, by the way, could you move to the side a bit. I need a clear veiw so I can get some good shots. As my Editor used to say "If it bleeds, it leads".

~Click--Click--Clickity clik~

Yes, yes. Impossible for the triffid to lift itself out of the soil. And there is absolutely no poison in the tentacles.

*Behind GL, the triffid spots a mouse crossing the floor. It runs after it and zaps it with a tentacle. The mouse crumples up and dies. The triffid jumps back into place just as GL turns around.*

*Dan walks in wearing full body armour and carrying a large, angry plant*

Garius, I found this crawling around the ventilation system. It's already killed two expendable security officers...I mean recruits. If you can't keep it under control, I may have to arrest it. I don't want to have to water it every day, so please do something about it.

*Wonders if it's a safety hazard for all of us to be here, where there are many plants whose exact natures are uncertain. Decides against mentioning it*

~Takeing a few more pictures (Clickty..Click Click) a stray thought occurs to Ernesto, STOCK IN HERBICIDE COMPANIES WOULD BE UP HERE IN ORBIT IF THESE THINGS EVER GET LOOSE Uhhh....... WELL, OFF THE STATION!!~

Well Garious, I think I'll stock broker this film...I mean develop this stock...Errr, whatever.

Excuse me Dan, keep up the good work Garious.

*Takes plant from Dan and looks it over carefully.*

Thanks Dan, but, um ...I don't think I've seen this plant before. It looks like a cross between the triffid and a strangler vine.

*Glances over shoulder at the triffid, who waves a tentacle. Then looks at the strangler vine climbing the back wall. Looks back at the triffid.*

Naw. Couldn't be.