h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Laughs*

Sure it could, GL. This is science-fiction!

Couldn't that be classified as incest?

*Suddenly notices that during the five days in which he has been silent, several plants have grown up to ensnare his feet*

Hey...

*A triffid's tentacle has reached down and is easing the Big Gun from his shoulder holster. Chrome101 gives it a short, sharp slap with one end of his towel*

Don't you think we should, um, ~do~ something about the chaotic state of the Biome? GL, do you have any fla... I mean, short range m... I mean, shears?

Whadda ya mean? Everything is under control here.

*Looks again at the plant in his hand.*

Well, almost everything.

*looks at a strange green pod growing next to him and jumps back as he sees his own face in it*

That's it GL. Where are your gardening tools? Or I might be forced to do something drastic...

*levels the Big Gun at the gigantic triffid*

*Dan goes to page the Security Officers*

Over the Comm System: <>

Dan: I told Alien it would be worth it to buy that gun.

*Dan is well pleased at getting the situation under control. He turns back to the triffid to find a disqueting siuation.
The triffid has grabbed Chrome101's Smith & Wesson Tactical .406 revolver and is aiming it directly at Chrome.*

Err, listen, triffid (may i call you triff?) ... just put the gun down, and we can all be friends. Otherwise *hears the clank of security oficers boots on the floor outside the Biome* it'll be a herbicide bath for you!

*hears shouts of "We'll have to blow the door down!"*

*the triffid shoots him in the chest*

*the airlock is blown clean off its hinges*

*Chrome101 is so suprised at being shot that the triffid has to shoot him again before he falls down*

Hey, hey, calm down. These plants are harmless. That was just a mirror-pod plant that you were looking at. Where do you think all the mirrors in the washrooms on the Space Station come from? And if it will make you happy, I'll prune the triffid.

*Walks over to triffid and pulls out secaturs. Looks at triffid. Looks at secaturs. Walks back to garden shed and returns with bolt cutters. Triffid edges away.*

Hey, you're not supposed to be able to do that!

*Grabs triffid. Using its tentacles, the triffid takes a notebook and a pencil out of GL's pocket and begins to write*

I PROMIS TO BEHAV. WAS ONLY BORD. I CAN MANIDGE OTHER PLANTS.

*The triffid looks hopefully at GL, who is standing, staring at the notebook, dumbfounded.*

Wow, I'm floating in the air! hey, what's that...

*looks down at his own body. a large pool of blood is seeping from the two massive holes in its chest*

Uh-oh. this doesn't bode well. *looks up*

Oh my god, that light! It's so bright, so pure... What is it?

*floats upwards into it and enters http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?forum=35868&thread=54331 *

~Ernesto hurry's in with his riot camera ready for anything, ......and it's already over.~

Shucks I'll never get a galactic pulitzer this way.

~Noticeing that Garious is having a conversation with a plant..Clickity click. Ernesto almost trips over Chrome 101, while getting closer to the scene. Thingking quickly, Ernesto stuffs a towel into the gapeing hole and sets a potted plant on top for presure~

If you find random Vandalism of Chrome101's forums annoying, please encourage him to pay the Mad Vandal (formerly the Mad Bomber, but it was decided that that was in bad taste) in dognuts. And now, without further ado, I give you -- The Mad Vandal

I NEVER FORGET A FACE, BUT IN YOUR CASE I'LL BE GLAD TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

--GROUCHO MARX

*The triffid grabs the notebook again and writes:*

I BEEN FRAMED. HE ALWEYS PUTS BLANKS IN THER.

*GL reads note and examines gun. The remaining shells are blanks. GL rushes over to Chrome. Notices Chrome is still breathing. Notices the blood looks suspicously like ketchup. Pinches Chromes arm. Chrome yelps and sits up, then, realizing he has given himself away, laughs and says:*

Ha ha, had you worried there, didn't I?

Nice one GL! I was planning a spectacular comeback posting myself, but you appear to have beat me to it!

*laughs*

Whew! I was worried for a second. I mean, I normally hire security officers for the very purpose of getting shot, but Chrome is somewhat important. He even has his own "office". He's not supposed to die!

Now Chrome, help me set up the Herbicide Gun.

Hey Chrome, look at this mess! Now I've got ketchup all over my towel and I hate to mix flavors like that.

And I was all ready to practice my newfound witchdoctoring skills on Chrome, too! Oh well.

I suppose we could kill him and then bring him back to life again...

*The triffid proudly goes about his new duties as plant warden. He gives his offspring, the triffid-stangler vine cross, a stern talking to and grounds it for a week. He then chases a crow towards the giant venus fly trap, which snaps shut on the crow as it flys by. It then checks on the acid slime and plays a quick game of Houdini with it (puts it in a steel box, with lots of locks and chains around it. Slime eats through box in 27 seconds.) Brushing it's tentacles together, it walks back over to GL and writes on the notebook:*

AL DUN. PLANTS UNDR CONTROLE.

Well done, triff. I think we need to work on your spelling, though.

*Dan pulls Garius to the side, so that the triffid can't hear them*

No offense, but I don't think we should really trust him. Things usually work better when people are in control, and the triffid looks like he's trying to kill you and take over.

*Dan pushes Garius down to the ground, causing them both to avoid the flying chainsaw that happened to be flying by. The triffid then hands them a note that reads:*

SORY ABOOT THAT. IT SLIPPPED.

*grins*

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm important!