h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Looks at Affy.*

Should I tell him?

*Affy nodds and says: "Only what he needs to know"*

Ok, then. Well, you see, in addition to the regular plants, this biome contains some ... um ... experimental plants that are a product of Crater Labs, Inc

*Ranger Triff waves the underside of a leaf, showing the CLI logo*

They are under development for ... um ... various purposes that I can't divulge. They are quite valuable and, frankly, quite intellegent. And numerous. They are the property of CLI and hence we wouldn't be pleased if any harm were to come to them. They are quite harmless, unless we give them orders otherwise.

Now, if you were in need of some of their skills for your own purposes, I'm sure we could work out some sort of loan agreement ...

But you can't have Violet.

*Holds the potted venus flytrap behind his back. The flytrap cranes its neck(?) around to see what's going on*

What exactly can they do?

Well, their intimidation factor is quite useful

*Ranger Triff stretches to full height and whips his tentacles around in a menacing manner. The giant venus flytrap swiftly bends over and snaps its jaws close to BED.*

And they are deadly if need be.

A few of them could possibly benefit medical science, and, um, we've found that those balloon animals (you know, like the one from Stationfall?) feed on certain forms of slime. There are many reasons for these plants, most of them, however, are secret. Top secret.

~bedlatedly flashes his STUMPED membership card~
Sorry, had w**k yesterday.

Look, I realize that you're dissapointed that you can't control these plants like a Communist Dictatorship, and I'm sorry that I can't capture them all and use them in my evil, nefarious plans for Galaxy domination. However, unless we do /something/ this forum is going no where.

~takes bottle of Red wine, several fancy goblets, and some loaves of bread from the folds in his cape~

So why don't we have a picknick? I have no idea how I hold these things up under my cape, but I always seem to have them when I need them, so we should put them to good use.

/Red

Ah yes, just the thing.

*Whistles, and some carrots and celery hop out the vegetable garden and present themselves for consumption. GL looks them over and says:*

Yes. Very nice indeed. Ranger Triff - could you take these over to the waterfall and prepare them, please.

*Ranger triff leads the carrots and celery away, and motions for a machete tree to follow.*

*GL looks sheepishly at the others*

Got the idea from the cow at Milliways.

Nice

*Affy walks in, holding a cage with a monkey in it*

Okay, monkey test #2: how long can a monkey survive in a jungle filled with several extremely rare and dangerous plants?

*Pulls out a pen and notebook, opens the cage, and throws the monkey into some underbrush*

Okay. Three seconds, not bad.

*Makes notes in notebook*

LOL

Well, I guess we have one extra typewriter at the lab now.

*several potatoes roll over to GL for inspection.*

Yes, excellent colour and shape. You'll do. Go over to the waterfall for preparation.

*Looks at the others*

What would a picnic be without potato salad?

It would be ... okay, I give up. What would be a picnic without potato salad?

*Chrome101 gets a mischevous look in his eye*

Err, a potato salad-less picnic?

*Affy leaps up and punches him in the nose, making it bleed. Several plants look round hungrily*

Oh well, at least we can have REAL Bloody Marys

*Walks over to a plant, holds out his hand, and a greenish goo squirts into it*

Sorry 'bout that, Chrome. Don't know what came over me. Here, this is a special kind of aloe that we're producing. Try some on the nose.

*Pulls out the notebook and watches intently for the effect*

A picnic without potato salad would be like a ... a ... perfectly normal beast sandwich without the bread, or a ravenous bugblatter beast without an appetite, or ... um ... something else without something else important.

Mmmm...
*his nose is soothed*

Ah, I feel ~very~ nice. Very ~sleepy~. ~Very, very sleepy~...


*A tendril coils around his ankle, and begins to ... very ... slowly ... drag him away*

*Writes in notebook*

Intense drowziness. Well, certainly not enough to keep it off the market.

*Glances at Chrome*

I suppose we should save him, but wouldn't it be a lot more fun to wait until the last possible moment? You know, build the suspense.

"Is this the end of Chrome? Will he forever leave this world through the digestive tract of a plant? Will he reveal the secret he's been maliciously keeping from us for all these months?"

Something like that.

I don't mind a good disaster now and then, it keeps you on your toes. But the kill ratio I have with house plants makes the arbor day foundation cringe, with my luck the triffid will put a hit out on me to avenge his bretheren.

As to the pictures, why don't I give you my comm. frequency and you can page me in time to get the shots you want to document your criminal genius. Afterwards I could hire myself out to Big Evil Dan as a crime scene photogtapher. Oh wait a min, could that already be part of my job?

Oh well, for now that's a grey area I won't explore.

~Sorry, I can't help myself~

Be shure to find out next week! Same bat time....Same bat channel...

Whew! Batman flashback.

*Chrome is a lot closer to the hungry plant*

You might want a picture of this. I don't think we'll see Chrome being dragged into the mouth of a ravenous vegetable any time soon.

*Chrome is ... snagged ... on a rock. The tendril pulls harder and harder. Chrome slides on again, having ripped his pants on the rock.*

[note] Now might be a ~really~ good time to take a picture...[/note]