h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

George takes the advantage and wedges the space-time hole open with the broom. Peering through, he sees...

*makes mental note to find out what this forum is actually about sometime, before returning to the huint for toasted SPAM*

[...what appears to be empty space. The broom flies out and the hole snaps shut. Cyris whacks Rodrigo with Fire Beam, which heals Rodrigo.]

[Cyris] D'OH!


Cupid, everything you need to know about this forum is in the first post. Read that. Then the next two posts (both by me). Then read the entire backlog, all 512 postings.

George and his ghost chefs attack Cyris with Ginsu knives and a radish-roser.

[George] (To Cyris) If an evil tree falls in space, and no-one around cares, how many butterflies in Bejing will have to flap their wings to make it rain in Central Park?

[Cyrus] Huh??

[For some reason, telling a riddle that amounts to a koan casts Muddle on Cyrus. He attacks himself and is no longer muddled.]

[Cyrus] D'haaa! All right! That's it! I'm beatin' you now!

[Cyrus casts Ultima. There is only one thing that can be used to describe the result of the blue wave of energy that hits all the Good Guys: WHAM!!]

[The Good Guys survive, however. Saria uses a Megalixer on the party, restoring them]

[Cyrus] D'OH!

[They exit hyperspace.]

[And there, filling the view, is a huge blue sphere. A green dimple is on it, pointing directly at the heroes.]

[Cyrus] Feast your eyes on Vanda!

[The heroes are drawn inexoribly towards the green dimple.]

[George] Like the cheeks of an evil Shirley Temple!

[Link] It reminds me of the Death Star. That green ... thing is kinda like the Super Laser...

[BGM: The music from the scene where the Millenium Falcon is drawn towards the Death Star]

[Cut to the interior. A black silhouette is facing a huge, green expanse that can only be the green bit. Cyris comes through the expanse. Cyris is ten feet wide, but he would look like a pinpoint against a section of the green bit a hundredth of its entire width]

[Dark Figure] Hm ...

[Cut back to our heroes, still drawn forward. They go through the green thing. They land in front of the dark figure, who resembles Maximus from "The Gladiator" more than anything else, except that he has long hair, his eyes are bright blue, and he seems to have a coldness about him.]

[Dark Figure] Greetings. My name is Modred. I am the Dark Mage of Vanda.

[Link] Um ... hi.

[The others give similar, equally confused statements.]

[Mordred] What? Were you expecting something on the order of ... [suddenly twice his normal height, wearing red, firey armod] SO, THESE ARE THE ONES WHO WOULD DEFY MY WRATH! HAVE THEM REMOVED AT ONCE! [transforms back to normal] No, no, that's not me.

[George] Well, um...good. Would you care for a slice of mocha-fudge cake? It's just sinful...

[Mordred] No thanks.

[Saria] I got the impression you were supposed to be evil.

[Mordred] [laughing] Well, I am evil. I'm the most evil being in seventeen galaxies! I think you're equating evil with fiendishness.

[George] So you're really evil, but only on the inside? I can live with that. Mint?

[Mordred] No thanks. Cyrus?

[Cyrus] Er, well, I wanted to show them Vanda. Sir.

[Mordred] I'll take over for you.

[Cyrus] Yes sir. [exits]

[Mordred] [to the Good Guys, talking very matter-of-factly. As a matter of fact he seems almost charming. Still, he gives the Good Guys the shivers] This is Vanda. Here, we are gathering our forces on a mission of conquest. We are here to bring the Tide of Darkness over your galaxy, and given its convenient location, I'm here to personally oversee the conquest.

[Link] Er, are you in charge of the whole mission?

[Mordred] Yes.

{voice from a black box}Darkness? Did I hear Darkness? nice concept...

[George] And why do you want to do that exactly? Did you get picked on in school?

[Link] What, isn't villainy for the sake of being villainous a good enough reason?

[Rodrigo] No, I want to give Mordred more credit than for just being a General Onox clone.

[Link] Wrong Zelda game.

[Mordred] [laughing] No, it's not that. I just feel a desire, a NEED, for power, and ...

[Link] Well, there you go. He's an Admiral Thrawn clone.

[They all turn and face Mordred]

[Mordred] I know what you're thinking. Here I am: the villain who's going to take over your galaxy, ending life as you know it; and here you are, and here's your golden opportunity to bring me down.

[Various nods from the others]

[Mordred] Well, in the first place you'd never get away with it. You see the green expanse? It's named Chaos. You kill me, it disintigrates your galaxy before you can say Jack Robinson.

[Link] Jack Rob--??

[Mordred] [continuing] Second, you couldn't defeat me anyway. There's only five weapons capable of harming me. [raises his hands over his head; a greenish cloud of smoky magic appears over him] There's the Atma Weapon, [the image of a disarmed lightsaber appears in the cloud] a lightsaber which draws on the very Force aura of its bearer to power itself. There's the Wand of Frobozz, [the image of a Zorkish magic wand replaces the image of the Atma Weapon] which can use ANY spell whose name begins with the letter F. There's the Masamune, [a katana sword replaces the Wand of Frobozz] a sword forged with the energy of Lifestream itself. There's the Staff of Destiny, [a magic staff replace the Masamune] which can use ANY magic spell whose name /doesn't/ begin with the letter F. And there's the Master Sword, [MS replaces SoD, you get the idea] which can almost command time.

[Link] [pointedly] Oh really.

[Mordred] Really.

*George waves his broom at the cloud of magic*

[George] So, ah, what will be your plans after taking over the galaxy? It's kind of self-defeating. I suggest taking over smaller thing first, like a County Fair, and then move on to a Worlds Fair, then the Gallaxy Fair, and you get the Idea. If you take over the Galaxy, there will be nothing left to take over. Your life will have no porpose. Think about it.

[Mordred] [looks straight at George] Well, there's an entire universe out there. I've already conquered ninteen galaxies already. There's a hundred billion galaxies. Get the picture?

[Link] Wait. You said you were the most evil being in seventeen galaxies, so ...

[Mordred] Oh, there were three beings more evil than I. Though they aren't anymore.

[Link] I ... see. Well, about the Master Sword ...

[Mordred] You're the Hero of Time, aren't you?

[George] Don't look at me. I can't even set my VCR. Speeking of which, how much "evil" have you done? I mean, nineteen galaxies, that's spreading yourself pretty thin, don't you agree gang?

[Link, Saria, and Roderigo] As thin as tissue-paper.
*All marvel at their unisen*
[Saria] It's as if we were all being controlled by the same warm, caring, light-hearted person.

AHEM. George, I get REALLY pedantic about continuity* when people other than myself take control of MY characters. Now never do it again. Also, Mordred was talking to Link when he said, "You're the Hero of Time, aren't you?" [Mordred] I've entered each galaxy, systematically removed each culture, and replaced them with my forces. I now have over a quadrillion beings at my disposal. [Link] [skeptical] And they're all blindly loyal to you? [Mordred] My nineteen Great Admirals are under my direct control, and each Great Admiral has a fleet of Generals under /his/ direct control, and so on until we get to actual soldiers. [Link] Wowie. [pause] [Mordred] Well, that about sums it up. I noticed that the first three galaxies were distressingly easy to conquer. Bang, and we were in charge. The fourth galaxy, however, had a planet whose warriors knew a power ... called Trance. [Link, Saria, and Rodrigo] [sarcastically] Oooooh! [Mordred] [ignoring them] Trance seems to be a special skill that reacts to the utilizers emotion. Once one's emotion seems to be strong enough, one undergoes a sort of transformation, and can use one of eight special skills. The Trance Warriors were able to do serious damage to my troops before they were beaten back. In the process, we were able to aquire Trance. However, we can't seem to use it ourselves. [Rodrigo] Don't tell me ... Let me guess ... You're going to give /us/ Trance so you can have yourself a challenge. [Mordred] Yep. I'm sending you to the Trance Zone. A man named Rubicant -- one of my former minions, in fact -- will give you the power of Trance. http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F30457?thread=121340 [*Footnote: Read "pedantic about continuity" as "p****d off".]

[George] Just popped back in to get my broom.