h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[George] Okay. (In pilot voice) Uhhh...ladies and gentlemen, this is your...uhh...captain speaking. We'll be heading back down to the planet's surface in...uhh...just a moment. We kindly ask that you...uhh...please fasten your seatbelts, extinguish all cigarettes, fold up your tray tables and please put your chairs in the upright position. We're...uhh...number one for take off, so hold on to your hats. (George pushes the 'Voice Activation' button provided by Plot Devices Inc.) This is ground control to Major Tom. Comencing countdown, enguines on. Computer, take us down.

They feel a bit queezy as the ship makes a sudden turn towards the planet.

[...and then explodes for no adequately explored reason.]

[They all look about in surprise, because they aren't dead, or even unconscious. Then they glance in Saria's direction, and she seems to be concentrating on magic, which explains it.]

[Link] Look! There's a huge, dark form! It must be Kramer!

[Dark Form] THANK YOU.

[Link et al] Huh?

[Dark Form] YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM THAT PATHETIC IN THAT MAD SCIENTIST! I AM NO LONGER GLUTEN KRAMER!

[The dark form fades from a black silhouette, to a huge, demonic ...]

[Dark Form] I AM GLUTEUS MAXIMUS!!

[...tree.]

[Link] Isn't that your butt?

[Maximus] SHUT UP!!

[The tree zips off.]

[Navi] {After him! Don't use any specific abilities! Just hit him with pure energy!}

[The music is the Doomsday Zone music from Sonic&Knuckles.]

*rummages between seats for SPAM*

Not here either...

[Link] Um, Navi? How are we going to propel ourselves?

[Navi] {Erm, well, there's the Fierce Deity Mask...}

[Saria] Huh?

[They explain it to her]

[Saria] I know! We can channel its power to each of us!

[Rodrigo] Define "we".

[Saria] All right! I'LL channel it! Link, put the mask on!

[Link obliges and transforms into a being that gives the overall impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger crossed with Leonardo DiCaprio, with pointy ears, silver hair, and glowing white eyes. Also, he has a double-helix sword. He is now Fierce Deity Link.]

[Saria channels the energy. She transforms into a being that gives the impression of Deanna Troi crossed with JENOVA, with pointy ears, green hair, and glowing white eyes. Also, she has a neon green-colored magic staff. She is now Ultima Sage Saria.]

[Rodrigo also gets the energy. He transforms into what is basically a dragon with firey-red feathers. He is now Master Phoenix Rodrigo.]

[George looks pretty much the same except that his broomstick is about twice as big and golden.]

[FD Link] Great!

[US Saria] Let's go!

[MP Rodrigo] !

George hops on his broomstick and yells "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOU CAN'T TAKE OUT REFFERNCE BOOKS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!"

and follows others.

[Kimini] Okay ... [points to one of the ghosts] You! On the left! What would the one on the right say was one of the wrong ones?

[Oops, wrong forum.]

[They overtake Maximus; he looks somewhat like Kefka's final form in Final Fantasy 6. He throws blasts of energy at our heroes, knocking them back somewhat. FD Link swings his sword, US Saria waves her wand, and MP Rodrigo opens his mouth. All three of these actions results in retaliation.]

George taps his broom twice on the ground and a pionty spike comes out of the top. He charges at Maximus' fanny-gap.

[Maximus, rather mad at George for doing so, swerves around and casts Fallen One on the party. This results in four cartoonish, cute little angels (the image of whom is used in pretty much every RPG Squaresoft has made for the SNES) being summoned and slapping each party member in the face. The result is that each party member is brought down to 1 HP. US Saria sneaks behind Maximus and steals a Megalixer from him, and FD Link uses it on the party, which maxes out the party's HP and MP. MP Rodrigo blasts Maximus with Mega Flare. Maximus retaliates by casting Ultima on the party.]

George kneels down, draws a circle in the air, and summons the spirits of former chefs to aid him. Our of the portal comes The Frugal Gourmet and Hiu Shiogosia. They and George chop at the back of Maximus with big knives.

Um, there's nothing to kneel on in the upper atmosphere, George.


[Maximus knocks them with bolts of energy. And then he exits the atmosphere again. Our heroes follow him.]

George is followed by his summoned spirits.


I'm kneeling on the broom handle.

[Upon exiting the atmosphere, Maximus enters hyperspace, accidentally (it would seem) taking our heroes with him. The music sort of fades out. Once we get a clear view of him, we can see that Maximus seems to have been replaced a 24-sided crystal with a man's face inside it. The music changes to that of fighting Lavos the first time once you've gotten into the spiked shell.]

[Crystal] Hi! I'm Cyris. I've gotten rid of that twit Maximus; he's outlived his usefulness to Vanda. And now I'm going to get rid of you; you're getting in the way.

[Navi] {Here's some stats about Cyris.}

Health: 100%
Weak: Light
Strong: Water, Poison, Gravity
Ineffective: Fire, Earth, Wind
Absorb: Dark

[Navi] {Obvously this is going to be ... rather more difficult. Fortunately we have some Light skills.}

[US Saria uses Hyper Light, which bewitches, bothers, and bemilders [sic] Cyris. Rodrigo blasts him with Mega Flare, which is non-elemental and therefore isn't bound by the weak/strong etc. thing. FD Link swings his sword, hitting him with some energy.]

George throws a book on Thomas Edison at Cyris.

[Cyris] [getting hit] G'HAAA~! Now, look, isn't this getting a little extreme? Can't you just LET me vaporise you? Is the will to live that strong? Does this haircut make me look ugly?

[FD Link] No. No. Yes. Yes. Respectively and disrespectfully.

[Cyris] Oh for the love of Vanda ...

[Cyris hits them with semi-insubstantial crystals. Saria retaliates with Hyper Light, Rodrigo with Mega Flare, and Link with a REALLY powerful sword technique.]

I can't help feeling out of place in this situation...

I'm never comfortable when people talk about hair cuts...

[George] This may be an odd topic, but who is Valda? Can we rea-
(George is hit and, by a miraculous somehow, is rendered incapable of speach)

Vanda. With an L. Not an N.


[Cyris] Ouch!! Er, Vanda is more of an organization than a group. Sort of more like a collective consciousness from the sum total of all of its (exceedingly evil) individual members. I'm sort of a general there. I've decided to lower my standards to the point where I'm capable of being defeated by you. I REALLY want you to see Vanda for yourself -- in person! Of course, I won't /really/ lower my standards enough to be /really/ defeated. En garde!

[[Cyris will now no longer use spread attacks.]]

[Saria casts Dispel on George, rendering him capable of speech.]

[George] Now that I can talk again, I have o-so much to tell you about my experiences being mute, erm, I mean vocally challanged.....bhah...blah....blah.....

(Cyris is slightly pasified by George's boring speach and is now a tiny-bit weaker, allowing for an attack)

[FD Link, US Saria, and MP Rodrigo take agressive advantage of this.]

[Cyris] GAARGH! Bloody persistant!

[Cyris hits Link and Saria with Comet2: a hole opens in space-time and several medium-sized snowballs come through and hit Link and Saria.]


Oops -- I just noticed. I'd meant to put "Gravity" under "Ineffective", not "Resistance".