h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No, that won't work. It's not THAT easy.

*George wonders instead if he should consult an expert, but rumages in his bag and finds a Beeper. On pressing the beeper, his titanium broom shoots out of the water and heads towards the ship at a terrifying pace...

[Kramer takes the intervening opportunity to smash George over with a bolt of ice. Link fires a Light Arrow at Kramer. Saria uses Hyper Light. Rodrigo uses Hyper Fire.]

*Suddenly the broom punches through the outer hull of the ship heading straight towards George, who is still unconscience.*

[Kramer, surprised by this, waves his hand; the hull is instantly fixed. He proceeds to smash everyone down with a blast of pure energy except Saria]

[Kramer] And now it is just you and me again!

[Saria] Not quite!

[Saria revives everyone with a magic spell.]

[[Meteor]]

[A hole in the space-time continuum appears. Several asteroids come out of it and smash into Kramer at several hundred kilometers per second.]

[Kramer] G'HAAAAA! [vanishes in a blast of lightning]

[pause]

[Link] Thanks.

[Saria] .....

[George] It was the power of the broom lodged in the hull! Kramer's hull-healing spell must have transformed the metal broom-stick into a meteor magnet. Horay!

<off & on topic> Now that Kramer's dead, shall we look for Hansel and Debbie, the grandchildren of the original broom+purse bearer?

[Rodrigo] There's still that closed room we haven't gone to yet.

[They go into the room, which turns out to be a rather large command center. Kramer is there, very much alive.]

[Kramer] All right. THIS time, I'm not holding back! Prepare to meet thy doom! I will persevere!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!

[Navi] {Cut the melodramics and get to the point.}

[Kramer] Yeah, fine, whatever.

[Kramer's hands glow, and then he transforms into something much resembling Lavos in his humanoid form from Chrono Trigger.]

[Link] AUUGH! SOMETHING MADE BY SQUARESOFT! AUUGH!

[Er. Kramer now looks something like the upper half of a demonic monster. We can target either arm, or the rest of him. The left arm heals the main body even as we do damage to it (the main body). The right arm has a shield around the main body so we can't do much damage to it in the first place. Music: Final Battle from Chrono Trigger.]

[George] Can't we shoot his feeble legs?

*Cut to summoned broom, which slowly works its way through the ship towards them*

No.

[George] Oh q****p. Anyway, (hunts through bag and comes up with a staple gun) take that you freakishly over-weight and top-heavy Diablo wannabe!

[Link] Get the arms first! The arms!

[Navi] {Here's some specs on Kramer -- er, Lavos -- er, Kravos.}

KRAVOS
Health: 100%
WEAKNESS: Water
RESISTANCE: Fire
INEFFECTUAL: Light
ABSORB: Dark

[Link] Great. NONE of us knows any Dark spells.

[Saria] Let's just use what attacks we can.

[They do their usual attacks; Link uses Ice Arrows, Saria uses Hyper Thunder, and Rodrigo slashes at Kravos with his beak]

[George] Being a Safty Expert, I always carry a few bottles of mineral water around to prevent dehydration. (Throws water on Kravos)

[This of course has no effect on Kravos, because it's water-based /attacks/ that hurt him, not just water itself.]

[Link] ..... [fires an Ice Arrow at his right arm. Saria uses Hyper Thunder, Rodrigo slashes at his arm, etc.]

George attacks Kravos' shield arm with a fire-extinguisher. The shield freezes solid and breaks off. While that arm is unprotected, he attacks it with a crushed-ice-for-coctail-parties spell.

No, the shield's around Kravos's main body. And it's an energy shield. And it can't fall until that arm is destroyed. But for the sake of argument let's keep with the fact that you attacked the shield arm.


[Same pattern of attacks, yadda yadda yadda. The arm disappears in a burst of fallen-bad-guy. The other arm, for no comprehensible reason, heals the main body. The main body zaps our heroes and heroine with a ray of light, knocking them about.]

[George] Ouchies!

[Same pattern of attacks. The healing arm disappears in a similar fashion.]

Now George uses his coctail/ice spell in Kravos.

[George] Bwo-Hwo, bwo-hwo, Ice for me and ice for you.

[Etc. This time, there is a flash of light. The main Kravos body becomes a white silhouette, which, shaking violently, fades to yellow translucency, then red transparency, then complete invisibility.]

[VICTORY!]

[Link] Wow! That was kinda easy.

[Saria] Yeah ... odd ...

[Navi] {.....}

[Rodrigo] George, would you like to have the honor of piloting us back to the surface? [They're in the Command Center, remember]