h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have been attacked by a swan, it didn't break my arm, just scared the life out of me .
Everyone has used a banana like a gun at some point

I've actually been attacked by a goose before, although again it didn't break my arm - does that count? I've also had a stunt kite fly into my nose as well ... but would that be a fact of life or just bad luck on my part?

From post 1:

>> 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. <<

I'd just like to point out that Reading is horrible even when you're sober.

RF

You can't make an observation about women and get away with it!

Hi, Cheerful Dragon. Through as in kaput, over and done with. But yes indeed stuff does get thrown away too.

Here, another don't know if it's trans-gender though...

Finding a grey hair growing, any place but on your head is scary.

Jab, can I steal your one about women and extend it to say:

Any time you make a generalisation for comic effect, someone will
a) come up with a contradiction to prove you wrong
b) take offence on behalf of the whole... gender/race/nationality/group with similar sexual preferences

rt

The worst nightmare for the single person is to be invited to a wedding. If you go alone people will think you're sad. If you go with a same-sex friend people will think you're gay. If you go with an other-sex friend people will think you're together and your chances of pulling are blown.

rooftiler. or nordog, "steal it." You're making a better job of it with *b).* I got so muddled with things being 'rubbished' and thrown away...

A lot on my mind, I have to tidy the cupboard under the stairs, wich will *always* contail 99.9% girly-droppings; shoes, handbags, boots, magazines kept - just because they had something in about Princess Diana, or a photo of a hair style that 'they' might want to try out.

Everyone has, when drunk and singing, realised they don't know the next line of lyrics and sung and i don't know the words instead.

Astronomers live to a ripe old age.

Deodorant always runs out after the first armpit.

When you went swimming as a kid you treated the 'prohibited actions' poster as a 'to do' list.

When walking on piers you always peer through the slats at the water beneath.

At every fairground there is a teenage boy without a shirt on using the punchball.

When you were a kid you thought traindriver was a glamorous job.

You can vaguely remember not being able to blow your nose or whistle.

As a kid, getting onto an escalator was a big challenge.

Whenever you try to do a "double-sided" photocopy, the copier jams.

(why do they give you the option if it never works and just breaks the machine?)

80% of times you try to use the 'batch-feeder' thing on top of the photocopier, it jams.

[academic one]: Out of all the many journals your university stocks, from titles like "Archetypes: A Feminist Analysis of the Domesday Book" to "Zoological Parasites Abstracts International", they will never stock a really obviously useful journal with many articles you need, like "Journal of Neurology" or "The Lancet"

Whatever you're wearing now will look stupid in ten/fifteen years time.

If you dive in a swimming pool at any point you will find a plaster at the bottom.

You have seen a photofit on Crimewatch that looks like somebody you know.

You can still remember a painful occasion when you put a staple through your finger.

When you had left school and were working, one of your parents' friend asked 'Are you still at school?'

Everyone has put a coin on their elbow and flipped it.

When you were young you called Old English Sheepdogs 'Dulux dogs' and Datschunds 'Sausage dogs'.

Any mail with the words 'you have been specially selected' goes straight in the bin.

As an adult you have watched a film because you enjoyed it so much as a child, and reached the conclusion it's rubbish.

There's at least one classic British actor you were suprised to learn was gay.

A great big smack of frustration with a hammer does almost no damage but a tiny careful tap can break just about anything.

As a kid, everyone made a drum kit out of upturned pots with pot lids as cymbals.

Nobody you know has been asked to be in a police identity parade.

If you are a woman then every baby is lovely. If you are a man then every baby looks the same.

Your home makes creepy noises only when you're alone.

Throwing a boomerang, making it come back, then catching it is virtually impossible.

Everyone knows the chemical formula for water.

You still have to think if a letter ends with 'yours faithfully' or 'yours sincerely'

Going into a loft or cellar is exciting.

There is something strangely satisfying about using a hole punch.

You still jump a bit when the head pops out of the boat in Jaws.

Everyone goes through a reading stage where they skim through a book to see if it has any pictures

Every child has jumped through a garden sprinkler

There was someone at your junior school whose sex was hard to determine

Every boyband has a member with a very punchable face

Junior school spelling tests always have the word 'sword'

Everyone's favourite Red Dwarf episode is 'Backward'

Everyone gets msn messenger invites from people they've never heard of

After the Grand National result someone will always say 'I had a feeling that would win'

Nobody likes Jar Jar Binks

Trying to swat a fly is sport

Spaghetti is the hardest food to eat.

Travel and funny voices:

Anyone who orders room service put's on a posh accent

Anyone who talks to the parrots at Tokyo airport always uses a different accent just to see if they can still translate

Computerised time sheets take a huge amount of time to fill in
Computerised time sheets don't have a category for the time taken to fill in the time sheet
No matter how many entries there are in a drop down list you will always need a box for "Other...(please specify)".

Any car park or traffic queue these days will have at least 20% cars that are silver in colour.

A high place looks twice as high when you're on top of it.

If you do a best-man's speech you will have one point where a joke falls flat, and one point where something 'straight' is found amusing.

Relegated football team's fans always say "We'll come straight back up"

At least one player who shines at a tournament and is bought by a premier league team will flop badly.

Wimbledon will not come straight back up.

PP