h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If you try to sneeze with your eyes open, you won't succeed, but it makes a hilarious sound.

(Master B... what did the swan *do*?)

What happens if you physically force your eyes to stay open when you sneeze?

I've heard of someone whose eye fell out and was dangling from the optic nerve cos he sneezed with his eyes open... probably not true tho.

It will be my hay feaver season.
Problem..
1. One cannot sneze with one's eyes open.
2. One cannot Drive with one's eyes closed.

When all the equipment in an office is working perfectly/ full of nice fresh paper/ just serviced, no one needs to use it. The SECOND the photocopier breaks down, there's a queue of people all the way down the corridor who all need to copy something vital for the continued continuance of the world, let alone the company.

Oh, and people only come and ask me things when I've just put a cough sweet in my mouth.

When having lubch at your desk, the phone will ring just as you bite into your sandwich.

RF

"1. One cannot sneze with one's eyes open.
2. One cannot Drive with one's eyes closed."

Additional

3. One only feels the need to sneeze *after* you have put your motorcycle helmet on
4. There will never be enough time to open the visor.

Ewwww...

Another fact of office life: if there's a huge and horrible task you've been ignoring for days because you haven't had time to do it, the person who needs it is guaranteed to come and talk to you when you're surfing h2g2 for a quick break.

Another work one: if you get in the lift and there's a horrible smell, the lift is guaranteed to stop on the next floor, and several people will get in.

If you have a queue of juvenile and overexited students waiting at the desk for you to come back and tell them stuff, the chair will make a loud and distressing parping noise when you sit on it.

If you are ironing and by mistake press a crease in the wrong place for a split second, continually trying to flatten it won't work, yet if you want to create a crease, you need continual pressing to get it.
(Think I said this before on another thread but it happened this morning....)

There is always an education vacancies section of the Guardian or Times lying discarded on a train seat.

Hairdressers have horrible hair.

1. Never try to throw something away when there's a man around, 'cos he will say "Don't throw that away. I've got a use for it."
2. The day he dies the item will be found among his belongings, unused.

This actually happened with Richard's grandfather. Richard's dad had some coach bolts (don't ask, I don't know) and he was going to throw them away. Richard's grandfather said "I've got a use for those". When he died the coach bolts were found, unused.

No unnoficial dump is complete without an old battered shopping-trolly.

A playfight at a childrens' party will always end up with one child crying.

There is always an advert in the local newsagent about a lost/found budgie.

If you're a Londoner, you can't understand why anyone would find the tube and its map difficult to understand.

You know someone with a cat called 'Tigger'.

One of the top considerations when dreaming about winning a fortune is what your personalised number plate will be.

When you were a child you never completed anything you were making with lego.

The first time you used a QWERTY keyboard as a child you spent ages looking for one letter before concluding "that letter isn't on here".

At some time as a child you asked your parent why Australians don't fall off.

Everyone has, at some time, made up words to complete a crossword.

The final credits of Dads Army have never rolled without someone commenting on which actors are dead or alive.

Women will through stuff away without knowing what it is, what it is used for, or how much it cost, or just because you are not about to use it *now* this minute.

Jab, that should be "*Some* women will..." I know this is a jokey thread, but that is one area in which not all women are the same. I have yet to meet a man who was happy about throwing *anything* away, no matter how unlikely he was to use it at any time in the foreseeable future.

Every American romantic comedy has a Van Morrison, Harry Connick Junior or that guy with the piano (Randy Newman ?) song in it.

Every farewell tour by a pop singer or group will be followed by 'one more' farewell tour.

There a some which relate to blokes, about those I cannot comment. But regarding numbers:
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
> 30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
I have met someone who had a classmate who was savaged by a swan (vicious little Toyotas they are!) and I can attest to the truth of number 30.
My father used to do the nose-stealing trick (we had no uncles.)
and 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip
That (nr 35 is *so* true!