h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The phone always stops ringing just after you've got out of the bath.

When you want to be alone you can't keep the hordes out of your room, when you want company, the hordes have all gone home (Fact of Uni life)

People who work in health food shops are always fat or look ill.

PP

Actually, Murphy's law is always true...
One more :
Girls find you way more attractive when you've got a girlfriend.

And one that isn't true, but on which everybody will agree :
You're always the best driver on the road.

I forgot this one :
The Facts Of H2G2 Life :
Dr E Vibenstein is playing "I spy with my little eye" on h2g2

December rule : you only need to have been in a shop for ten minutes to hear Slade at least once.

University rule: the more qualifications you have, the more likely you are to forget your glasses/brain/trousers when you walk out of the door.

You've never laughed at a Charlie Chaplin movie.

Children only ask where babies come from on a bus/area full of people.

You'd rather club yourself over the head with a hammer than chew tin foil.

Everyone has had a goldfish flushed down their loo.

Everyone knows someone who's seen a ghost

As a kid you couldn't wait to shave. Now you hate it.

Anyone late for a meeting will lose approximately two inches of height on the way to their chair.

You bite mouth ulcers even though it hurts.

The word 'pillage' is only used when talking about vikings.

It is impossible to lick your elbow

A kid in your junior school class got nosebleeds on a regular basis.

Everyone has always wanted to try a flight simulator

A bookmark bought for you as a present never gets used.

You are guaranteed to see a 'big mouth billy bass' at a a boot fayre. It will be unsold at the end.

You can still remember having a splinter removed by your parent as a kid.

You've just tried to lick your elbow.

Women are the only species that can run and go no faster than they were when they were walking.

It is impossible for a woman to be called 'Saffron' and be ugly.

No impresionist has ever walked away from an interview without having uttered the words 'made the kids laugh at school by doing impressions of the teachers' at least once.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Nice, one, Spinks!

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine thousand miles an hour.
It's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
The sun that is the source of all our power.
Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day,
In the outer spiral arm, at fourteen thousand miles an hour,
Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

There's an entry about that somewhere.

When the tv is turned on in cartoons, it's always cowboys and indians on.

Films:

Every film based on a prison has a 'be careful in the showers' scene.

Any nasty who seems dead will spring back to life and attack again before being finally killed.


TV:

When you see someone pixelated you can't resist the temptation to squint and see if you recognise them.