h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What about the Mighty Boosh? A treasury of excellence, starting with:

Howard: "I'm eclectic, I transgress the boundaries, I span the genres. They call me the genre spanner."
Vince: "They call you the spanner."



Vince, attempting to communicate with a cobra: "oooo waaaa eeee woooohhaaaaaa alllaaaaaaa aakkkaaaa sssssssmmmmmnnnnn"
Cobra, in a stage whisper: "Speak English, fool."

Fried gold.

SoRB

Time for some Futurama and everyone's favorite captain,

Zapp: "I hate these filthy neutral's Kiff. With enemies, you know were they stand, but neutrals- who knows. It sickens me."

Fry: "But what kind of world is it, when I can't tell good from evil."
Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whichever floats your boat."

Prof Farnsworth: "Good news everyone. I taught the toaster to feel love."

(the ship is under attack and Prof Farsnworth, unconcious, is the only one who can repair the engines)
Leela: "We have to wake him up."
(Leela shakes the Professor, Fry blows an air horn at him, Bender throws water in his face)
Fry "Try shocking him."
Bender "Your social security check is late. Stuff costs more than it used to. Young people use curse words!"

Bender "Bite my shiny metal ass"

Zapp Brannigan "Now like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could've divised it."

Ah, hootoorama! Shame they spelled it wrong for the telly!

RF

(Bender has been ordered to do five hours community service to clean up a mess he caused)
Bender: "Five hours! Aw coulnd't you just give me the death penalty?"

Nibblonian: "They travel from world to world making every one stupid in order to wipe out all thought."
Leela: "Wipe out all thought! My God, they're like flying televisions."

"It's not easy being a man! I had to get dressed this morning, and there are other pressures"

Dylan Moran - Comedy Store

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Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out.

Black Books

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As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday... Did you enjoy it? Right; on your way.

Blackadder III

Having recently appointed a woefully inappropriate gentleman as my best man, the line from Blackadder II keeps running through my mind:

"...ashamed as I am, and contradiction in terms that it is: Percy, you shall be the Best Man"

Thanks for the Futurama quotes: must dig those bootleg DVDs out of cold storage and watch them again.

B

Rich Hall at the comedy store:

'Good things come to he who waits but sh*t pretty much shows up straight away'

Red Dwarf:

Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servent. Ever see a cat return a stick? "Eh man, you threw the stick, go get it yourself, I'm busy! If you want the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Holly: I flamingoed up.
Lister: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up except much bigger.

(Rimmer and Kryten have dissapered)
Cat: They're gone buddy, but look on the bright side... they're gone buddy!

(Lister is back in time, standing on a rooftop during Hitler's famous Nuremburg speech)
Lister: (pointing to Hitler) Ignore him! He's a complete nutter! And he's only got one testicle!

Lister: (reading Hitler's dairy) Things to do: Stop milk, put out cat, invade Czechoslovakia.

Hmm... let's see...

Tom Waits:

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends."

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away"

Bender:

"I heard you were on the ass-end of an ass-kicking..."

"Ahhh, what an awful dream. Ones and zeroes everywhere... and I thought I saw a two."

Wolfticket

Father Ted:

Dougal: Was Sergant Thompson a policeman?
John O'Leary: Eh... yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest?"

Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!

(the priests have rabbits in the house, and Bishop Brennen is over, and he doesn't like rabbits, so Ted is trying to hide them from him)
Ted: Where did you put them Dougal, the bunnies?
Dougal: Don't worry Ted, somewhere really safe.
Ted: (thinks) Where would that be.
Dougal: Guess. It's almost like the type of place you wouldn't even think of.
Ted: I don't know... that small room behind the kitchen... (Dougal shakes his head), the coal celler... (Dougal shakes his head), I've got it, the shed.
Dougal: No. Come on Ted. Think about it. Where's the last place you'd think I'd put them?
Ted: I suppose the last place I'd think you'd put them... would actually be... Bishop Brennen's room.
Dougal: Bingo! Think about it Ted. I put the bunnies in the last place he'd expect to find them, in his own room. He'd never look there.
(later, Ted and Brennen are outside Brennen's room)
Dougal: (from downstairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Brennen: What did he say?
Ted: Look... I'd better tell you... em...
Brennen: Did he call me Len again? (goes to the stairs) You address me by my proper title, you little !

Light the candle not the rat
Light the candle not the rat
Light the candle not the rat
Rizzo rat to Gonzo in the Muppets Christmas Carol

Just restoring the subject line - I get confused easy