h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Spook: You're on now

and we're after 1001 uses....

Take a lettuce, put it in a box, close the box, put it in a room, with white walls, and place a ping-pong ball ontop of the box, exhibit it, and win the turnip prize for extremely dull art.
Play table tennis with it.
credit it for contributing to the 1001 things to do with a Lettuce entry.
(hmm, should that be accredit?).
lean on it.
make it reach the perpendicular.
climb it.
pack it in one of the eleven or so boxes i have packed with my stuff in.
bubble wrap it.
give it away free in packets of breakfast cerial.
Use it to stop the flow of blood from my forefinger on my left hand which is bleeding over the keyboard after i cut it when cutting selletape.
use it as a novility mouse.
pretend it is a forrest.
call it Billy the Mountain.
Write a daily comic strip about it for a well known daily newspaper.
Release an Annual about it at christmas.
Use it as a stocking filler.
wrap it in nice paper and give it to someone as a christmas present.
hang it on the christmas tree as a decoration.
String a lot together to make an interesting form of tinsil.
put it inside a glass biscuit tub thing, to prevent the glass thing from breaking in transit.
Transport it.
make it take halaucinogenic drugs.
reunite it with its dead friends.
Give it to one of The Dead Girls of London.
Hope that it ends soon so that normal life can continue.
Use one to construct a evil intruder alarm.
dump your girlfriend for it.
Dump it for a girlfriend. batter it and deep-fry it.#

trailor it on national TV.
take it to the Questions Thread.
Desimate it.

Take a lettuce, put it in a box, close the box, put it in a room, with white walls, and place a ping-pong ball ontop of the box, exhibit it, and win the turnip prize for extremely dull art.
Play table tennis with it.
credit it for contributing to the 1001 things to do with a Lettuce entry.
(hmm, should that be accredit?).
lean on it.
make it reach the perpendicular.
climb it.
pack it in one of the eleven or so boxes i have packed with my stuff in.
bubble wrap it.
give it away free in packets of breakfast cerial.
Use it to stop the flow of blood from my forefinger on my left hand which is bleeding over the keyboard after i cut it when cutting selletape.
use it as a novility mouse.
pretend it is a forrest.
call it Billy the Mountain.
Write a daily comic strip about it for a well known daily newspaper.
Release an Annual about it at christmas.
Use it as a stocking filler.
wrap it in nice paper and give it to someone as a christmas present.
hang it on the christmas tree as a decoration.
String a lot together to make an interesting form of tinsil.
put it inside a glass biscuit tub thing, to prevent the glass thing from breaking in transit.
Transport it.
make it take halaucinogenic drugs.
reunite it with its dead friends.
Give it to one of The Dead Girls of London.
Hope that it ends soon so that normal life can continue.
Use one to construct a evil intruder alarm.
dump your girlfriend for it.
Dump it for a girlfriend. batter it and deep-fry it.#

trailor it on national TV.
take it to the Questions Thread.
Desimate it.

some if these i've said before but they were missed:



burn it as part of a bonfire.

give it to little kids on hallowen.

go on a date with it.

build a tower using lots of lettuces.

see how many you can balance on your head.

sit on it.

use it as a toilet.

take pictures of it.

make it the subject of a website.

throw it away.

leave it in the store.

murder it.

make clothes out of it.

use it to cover up private body parts when you're naked.

marry it.

frame it for murder.

steal it.

buy it a towel.

wash it.

use it as a dart board.

take it to the prom.

kiss it.

use it as an extra pillow.

have sex with it.

abandon it.

starve it to death.

talk it to death.

phone it.

make it your best friend.

give it to somebody for christmas.

call it spook.

put it on the top of your christmas tree.

celotape it to the floor.

glue it to the floor.

decorate it.

Teech it to sing the blues.
Get it a job as a radio DJ.
Call it Bob the mix master.
use it as a coat hanger.
hang a telephone on it.
force it into someones front door lock to confuse them when they get back from the pub.
Take it to the pub.
Do a duet with it at karako night.
teach it to do the "twist".
put it on a lollypop stick, freeze it, and then lick it.
Write a haiku about it.
Write a sonnet about it.
wirte a song about it.
write a novel about it.
write a public information leaflet about it.
Lie to it about your age.
bounce it up and down off your knee.
stand on it and jump off, then stand on it again, jumkp off, stand on it, jump off, stand oin it, jump off, stand on it again and jump off, and then kick it.
Use the term "lettuce" as a euphimism for dumplings.
Make suet lettuce with it.
Glorey in it.
drill lots of small holes in it, and put a small piece of sand in each of the small holes that have been drilled in it, then put a very small piece of sticky tape over one of the small holes that has been drilled in it and which contains a small amount of sand.
wrap a piece of wire around it, and then unwind it.
pour it a drink.
tell it all your trubbles.
ask it if it is teh real lettuce?
If it says "yes" ask it to stand upp.
"will the real lettuce please stand up? please stand up, please stand up" tell it to call the Ghostbusters.
Cover it in classic goo.
cut it in half, hollow out some of the inside, and place medicine inside, thus creating the ultimate child safe medicine bottle, by reattaching the two halfs of the lettuce together.
agreeve it.
use it as a car radio aerial.
Show it to the tacs man.
stick a pair of horns on it and use it to confuse the men in white coats running down the corridoor to plunge to their certain splat through the hole in the curtains.
Turn it into a pair of curtains.
Call it the supreem emporer.
make it eat porrage.
feed it to the dogs.
Take it to the races.
take it to the opera.
peel it.
evacuate it.
spit on it (offsite obviously, cause spitting isn't allowed here, right?).
name a H2G2 real time meet after it.
put it in my filing cabinate with the two bottles of wine.

show it to eddie.
post it to the head of programming at the BBC.

I remember the beginning of this thread. It seems like a long timeago now. THe lettuce must only be fit for throwing away by now. If you had acted more quickly you could have composted it.

PP

a cartoon/comix book/serie with lettuce as superhero gone bad
give it purple suit and Babbit, the Rabbit as sidekick!

Use it to knock the little jocky's off their rich peoples lawn.
Take it to Beverly hills.
Give it to the muffin man.
Ask nighthoover to hoover it up.
give it to the man from eutopia.
suffocate it.
Tell it about a place you know where all the imaginary diseases live.
Put a picture of it on a postage stamp/ten pound note.
Porn it.
should that be pawn it? prawn it.
let it smell your feet.
use it as an odar eater insurt for your python skin boots.
give it a pair of slippers, and then laugh at it for 92 minutes cause its got no feet to wear the slippers on.
use it as a novel fly, when fly fisshing.
harpoon it.
suck it.
Put it in your trouser pocket and go to the pub.
"is that a lettuce in your pocket, or are you just happy to create an alternative device for fly fishing?
"
press it.
use it as a pin cussion.
stick drawing pins in it, and use it as a notice board/pin board.
carve the number of your house out of it and use it an an envireonmentally friendly sign for your house.
rent it out.
Let it be your bitch.
tell it "decide or decay".

Throw it at the man with the poodle.
make a computer game about its life.
synthesise it.
keep it under the stairs.
put a line of lettuces down the middle of your driveway.
Wear it as a brooch.

Leave it. I SAID leave it.

Check with lawyers first.

Climb a huge chimney and drop the lettuce down it, to check for windspeeds and weather conditions in the local region.

Take six hours being filmed chopping it into small pieces, then show three seconds of the film while saying "Easy peasy"

Point at it, say "Oooh missus" and the laugh like a fool.

Use it, in conjunction with an old toilet roll, to create nuclear fusion and use this power to take over the whole of the common and rule it for ever.

Use it to commit suicide by eating thousands of them to get real bad digestion.

Train it to be a teacher.
teach it to be a trainer.
wear two as a pair of trainers.
Let it take jurry service.
make it high court judge.
trial it.
stab it.
prod it.
rub it.
put it in a tin bath and clean it.
Grill it, add some spring onion, and garlic, cover with chilli sauce and serve on a bed of rice.
Take it with you to a job interview.
put it up in front of "the board".
?Study it.
do a security check on it.
take it to the Vet's.
privitise it.
give it money from a PFI.
lick it in stockport.
give it written permission to move.
recieve it.
debate it.
blaime it.
abuse it.
measure it.
weigh it.
load it.
fire it from a cannon.
accuse it of incompetance.
spel it incorrecntly.
review it.
make the best use of it possible.
grow it.
take it on the train.
overcrowd it.
measure its capicity.
tie it to the railway line and watch the train run over it.
individualise it.
prove it exists.
prove it doesn't exist.
sexually harass it.
accuse it of sexual harrassment in teh workplace.
make it bishop.
let it stand for parliment.
legistate for it.
make it inaccessible.
make it acessible.
sweep it away.
make furnature out of it.
give it a flat in westminster.
catter for it.
preech to it.
make it beg.
teach it to play the Ukelally.
limit its movements.
float it on the stock exchange.
swap it for a euro.
Pretend it is a kiwi.
drop lots on forest fires to put the fires out.
smoke it.
train it as a firefighter.
burry it in teh snow.
Take it on a cruise around the world, and introduce it to everyone you meet as "my better half".
fill it.
use it to play cricket with.
use it as a doorbell.
use it as one half of a pair of goalposts.
tackle it.
shave it.
wax it.
assisinate it.
slip on it.
try to make it bleed.
Stab it repeatidly with a large knife screaming "you rotten friend". install it.
use it as a cable modum.
pretend it is toni blair.
use it to generate electricity.
take action on its behalf.
teach it greek.
forecast it.
cast itl.
use it as fishing bait.
use it as a faulse eye.
transplant it into someone needing a heart transplant,a and then laugh about this afterwards .
souhtern fry it.
use as pizza topping.
throw at street performers.
give it to a begger/tramp/person.
dry it.
Pretend that it is your uncles whife and punish it for leaving the gas on whilst the taxi pulled upside the floor on teh adjecent porkpie covered tomato field.
have a shower with it.

Use it to commit suicide by eating thousands of them to get real bad digestion.

Train it to be a teacher.
teach it to be a trainer.
wear two as a pair of trainers.
Let it take jurry service.
make it high court judge.
trial it.
stab it.
prod it.
rub it.
put it in a tin bath and clean it.
Grill it, add some spring onion, and garlic, cover with chilli sauce and serve on a bed of rice.
Take it with you to a job interview.
put it up in front of "the board".
?Study it.
do a security check on it.
take it to the Vet's.
privitise it.
give it money from a PFI.
lick it in stockport.
give it written permission to move.
recieve it.
debate it.
blaime it.
abuse it.
measure it.
weigh it.
load it.
fire it from a cannon.
accuse it of incompetance.
spel it incorrecntly.
review it.
make the best use of it possible.
grow it.
take it on the train.
overcrowd it.
measure its capicity.
tie it to the railway line and watch the train run over it.
individualise it.
prove it exists.
prove it doesn't exist.
sexually harass it.
accuse it of sexual harrassment in teh workplace.
make it bishop.
let it stand for parliment.
legistate for it.
make it inaccessible.
make it acessible.
sweep it away.
make furnature out of it.
give it a flat in westminster.
catter for it.
preech to it.
make it beg.
teach it to play the Ukelally.
limit its movements.
float it on the stock exchange.
swap it for a euro.
Pretend it is a kiwi.
drop lots on forest fires to put the fires out.
smoke it.
train it as a firefighter.
burry it in teh snow.
Take it on a cruise around the world, and introduce it to everyone you meet as "my better half".
fill it.
use it to play cricket with.
use it as a doorbell.
use it as one half of a pair of goalposts.
tackle it.
shave it.
wax it.
assisinate it.
slip on it.
try to make it bleed.
Stab it repeatidly with a large knife screaming "you rotten friend". install it.
use it as a cable modum.
pretend it is toni blair.
use it to generate electricity.
take action on its behalf.
teach it greek.
forecast it.
cast itl.
use it as fishing bait.
use it as a faulse eye.
transplant it into someone needing a heart transplant,a and then laugh about this afterwards .
souhtern fry it.
use as pizza topping.
throw at street performers.
give it to a begger/tramp/person.
dry it.
Pretend that it is your uncles whife and punish it for leaving the gas on whilst the taxi pulled upside the floor on teh adjecent porkpie covered tomato field.
have a shower with it.

Resurrect it.
Doublepost it.

I didn't mean to doublepost that, honest

Polish it.
Make it your equal.
Place a bet on it.
Race them.
Use it as a comical parachute.
Take two lettuces and use them as a commical pair of faulse breasts.
Use it as faulse teeth.
Drop it from the top of the Eifiel tower.
Spell it uncorrectly.
Balance a tressel table on top of them.
Make a fancy dress costume out of it.
Make a third rate horror moovie with a lettuce as the main character.
Paint a picture/portrait of it.
Draw it.
Give it to your teacher as a present.
Give it to your university tuttor and say "this is you".

use it to start a stupid question on h2g2

Fry it with garlic and oil. Hmmmm.

Sail in it.
drive in it.
play pool with it.
take it swimming.
heat it.
take it to christmass dinner.
use it to make christmas crackers from.
use it as a candle.
shop for it.
wear it as a skirt.
wear it as a kilt.
bounce it off the window.
report it.
write a report on it.
take it on a field trip.
feed it wine gums.
Let it in on the family buisness.
get it a credit card.
open a bank account for it.
inspire it.
be inspired by it.
register it at Cambridge university.
play darts with it.
play gene Pitney records to it.
call it stanley.
use it as a bean bag.
make it into a beany baby.
lift it.
fill a van with them.
make it into pair of curtains.
put it to bed.
knit a jumper for it.
use it as a water bottle.
make it a citizen.
make it eat humble pie.
jog with it.
roll it down teh hill.
get it a tart.
buy it a cake.
ignore it.
ravish it.
use it as toilet paper.
own itt.
rent it out for the weekend.
make it go fluffy.
design it.
reverse engineer it.
redesign it.
cry about it.
video it.
set up a webcam watching it and broadcast it, creating the most watched videocam/webcam ever.
cake attack it.
have an opera made about it.
poke it.
write a biography about it.
make a childrens TV series about its adventures.
cover it with cream.
put chocklate on it.
make it join teh hit squad.
drive it mad.
pity it.
fear it.
be pretensious about it.
button it.
make it irrestible.
write poetry abou its lifestyle.
violate its personal space.
experiance it.
stick a twig in it and hang a pair of ear muffs on the stick.
push a piece of wire through it, so a equal length of wire pokes from each end of teh lettuce, and hang it from a lampost using a piece of blue ribbon.
philosophise about it.
quieten it.
smoke it.
be proud of it.
want it.
make it lean over the edge of my balcony.
use it to plug the walls, where plaster has been chipped away.
smuggle it ojnto an aeroplane.]#
meet it.
arrange a secret rondivous with it ontop of the post box at the end of teh road at middnight.
take it to the frindge.
have a unconventinal magazine about it published.
write songs about it.
wrap it in tin foil and hide it.

use it to save the drowning witch.
dare it.
cancil its holiday leave.
stick one hundred and fourteen matches in it, so the buisness end of the match points outwards and light them all.
stab it.
make it your drinking partner.
throw it at burglers.

Put electrodes in it, and use it to generate electricity.