h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sacrifice it in a satanic and rituealistic manner.
Transport it for thousands of miles and then sell it for an unrealisticly inexpensive price, that does not represent the full hidious damage caused to the environment and various communities by its voyage involving means of transport that do not have taxible fuels yet which damage the environment more profoundly than other means of transport that do have rather heavily taxed fuel source.
Try to understand what the previous reference to it actually means. Take it to hell.
Take it to heaven.
Put it on top of cloud nine.
Do not pet it.
Play it on your CD player.
make a pirate copy with your CD RW.
nail it to your little toe.
Rip off all your finger nails and toe nails and replace them with cunningly painted and varnished lettuce leaves.
Look inside it.
Let it look inside you.
Pretend its the Queen and fire ping pong balls at it.
Pretend it is Prince Charles and hit it with a rose/carnation/some flower i can't remember for sure.
Scan it.
PET Scan it.
Scan it with computer aided tomography.
Perform polymerase chain reaction on it.
Serotype it.
Give it a blood transfusion.
Titrate it.
Put it down the wishing well.
Put it in a bag.
Crush it up in a pestil and mortre and extract the chlorophyll from it in a science practicle at school.
Write a book about it.
hide it under your bed.
Pretend it is a skelaton and put in your wardrobe.
Spell it correctly. Down-size it.
Restructure it.
Decide it is the most interesting thing ever ever ever, and bring together all pieces of associated information to describe in great detail through the formation of a new society, its relivence in modern society outside the jouristiction of that society primarily created to examine the lores governing its perfect creation and being.

put it in a rocket and make it the first lettuce in space

Take it down in a submarine.
Use it to fan yourself in the warm summer afternoons spent on the beech sipping variously coloured fermented vegatable products which may or may not include lettuce beer.
Show it the worm that turned.
Feed it to the worm that turned.
Water it.
fill it with lead, attack a bit of string to it, and tie the other end of the piece of string to a tooth that needs to be extracted, using another rop tie yourself to the window frame and then throw the lettuce out of the window in order to remove the tooth/window frame.
Stare at it.
Make it nervous.
Take it to the dungeon.
Spank it.
Drop it on the middle of an iceburg.
listen to it talking to itself.
saddle it.

blast it with experimental x-rays to give it super-hero powers so it can become a crime-fighting lettuce

Improve it. Set up a college fund for it.
Invest it.
Grind it up and use as washing powder/dye.
Catogrise it in a league table involving other notible membres of the photosynthetic kingdom.
Grow Fungi on it.

keep calling it a cabbage and see if it has an identity crisis

will add all those later..... this is more work than I expected and spook: when I did the list I didn't check it each time to see if it was already there I just missed those off that I thought were already there....will add all those back in the post 40s later on too.

keep talking to it in a cynical attempt to manipulate the most recent conversations list and thus bring it the public recognition it deserves

Give it a "studio tan".
Poisen the weasil that ripped my flesh with it.
Let it travel on a ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch.
Put it in a burnt weeny sandwich.
Sell it to an orange county lumber truck.
Give it to dynamo hum.
Give it a starring role in starfleet.
Rummage through it.
Write a rock opera about it.
Unplug it.
Make it ride the lightening.
Take it to a night at the opera.
Give it money for nothing.
Put one on every street.
make it the master of reality.
Make it hyper-paranoid by talking about it.
Take it to another world.
use it as a fassion statement.
Give it its own slot in stand up comedy night at Bar XS.
Put it in the dust bin.
Lock it in a room with an endlessly looped CD of Spice Girl tracks playing.
Take it to see the rock and roll doctor.
Give it a spinal tap.
Tell it some bad news.
Let it be.
Imagine it whilst daydreaming.
Preserve it in famaldahyde.
Use it to get satisfaction.
sacrifice it under the full moon.
Tell it about "two little boys" and see if it leeks.
Shave it.

let become actor

let play in movies - on tv - musicals - tv spots

apear in talkshows. like Oprah

ask Steven Spielberg to making movie with the lettuce
title: "from seedling to dust"

ask Sir Attenbourgh to make documetary about lettuce
tittle "the growth of ...."

give it role inhis/her own computergame

give it role in other computergames
- as villian - goodguy - anoyance

guest apeances in movies and tv series

ask other actors to kiss it

give it holywood star

give it oscar - tony

let present a radio or tv programm

let start restaurant - cafe - hotel - pub

give a sex scandal

give it fanclcub

let create cult
cult name "childeren of the lettuce"
main prayer "lettuce pray"

to be continued?

I think there already was a computer game with a lettuce in it....Wasn't it in one of the Bob The Hamster games? Or was that a cactus?

Demolish it in order to make way for a bipass.

archive it.
aerosol it.
abolish it.
absolve it.
appreciate it.
autoclaive it.
aim at it.
aid it.
adress it as "warble the mighty green carbuncle from unular vulgarus".
astonish it.
astound it.
arrive late at its birthday party.
arrive late at its funneral.
ask it questions regarding its association with Ms Lewinsky.
Ask it to strut its stuff.
answer all its evil questions in the chair with the mighty walress effergy printed high on its back, beyond the walls of delusion from escape from itsp petrifying clutches and torturous questioning in the night without sleep or sustanaince.
amend it.

bark at it.
baa at it.
bray at it.
Break its resolution of evil matterations.
belch at it.
Breezly gain its confedance before eating/killing/sexually involve it.
breath it./
bore it.
boar it.

crush it as though it were a grape.
cussion its fall from an eighteenth floor window.
Curse its inability to have a sensible conversation or discussion with you, or anybody you invite to dinner parties.

Develop a complicated love circle around it.
Drain it.

Echo everything it says in order to seek revenge for the tortures it has exposed you to.
Eat its relitives in front of it..
entertain it.
earnestly explain to it why it has lesser rights than other lifeforms.
Erotically arrose it.
Eal fish with it as bait.
Empty your emotions to it.

Frantically save it from the clutches of the evil cucumber pretender army.
Flombay it.

group hug it.
group grope it.
Greese it and .
gamble it.
greet it with welcome arms when it comes to visit and make it welcome into your home, treating it as an equal contributor to the greater picture of cultural development.

Hitch a couple of mates dates with it.
hopelessly explain quantum theory to it.
half it and give each of the two halfs to someone you hate.

Ignite it.
Indicate to it the correct manner in which to prepare lettuce for incorperation into a salid, to its great distaste as it observes you killing heartlessly several of its lettuce friends.

I caint beleive a conversation about a lettuce has gone on this long

ask the H2G2 community about it

Create disbelief and incredulity from Rat by having a long drawnout conversation about lettuce and its uses...
Give a lettuce a penny for the guy.
manafacture a monster from it.
call it bob.
Call all lettuce's bob.
Discuss it on morrel maze on BBC radio four.
Do a docusoap on lettuce.
Get the lettuce blacklisted with the credit agencys.
hover a banna above it and a turnip below it whilst symultainiously throwing grapes and parsnips at passers by on a street corner in central london, where strawberries can provide alternative relief from turnip inconveinances involving contributions from assorted types of lettuce.
Become absolutly and completely fascinated and obsesed by it and its functions.
Elect it to the local countil. Let it be judge and jurrey.

I particularly like the first one

i was only going to put down the one, the first suggestion, but then I thought: Lettuce deserves more :

Stand up for lettuce rights.
Equal rights for lettuce's.
Write to lettuce's.
Start up a Lettuce pen pals club.
Seperate lettuce sex from lettuce reproduction through use of reproductive medacine procedures. Publically shame lettuce's.
Brandish it at people in the dead of night in dark allays, causing them to scream loudly and run away very fast (not that i would know obfviously).
Let it be an individual.
Give it a blue peter badge.
Use it as a surrogate tennis ball.
Stretch it out and nail it to the wall as a towel rail.
Pretend its a wardrobe, and walk into it, ending up in a majical world with dwarves pixies and all kinds of nymphs and strange talking animals.
Reason with it.
Give it "the chop".
Lock it in the tower of London on a tuesday afternoon for 94 days.
Puzzle it.
puzzle at it.
jinx it.
hold it in one hand and jump along the corodoor to the lift, go down to the ground floor and then present it to the person who runs halls saying "i've found your best friend".
brick it in.

"First find a good sturdy church. Then, placing the lettuce behind your back, enter the church and find a priest. The best sort of priest to find is one who is standing quite far away at the end of a longish corridor. Approach the priest, keeping the lettuce behind your back, well hidden at all times. Make sure that you never take your eyes off the priest. Smile enigmatically. The priest is bound to wonder what on earth you are up to. I know, I have tried this. Slowly approach, without saying a thing, until you are right in front of the priest. Then say: "Father?". The priest is almost certain, in ninety nine cases out of a hundred to go "Yes?". Now is the moment of portentious history. For now is the time you whip out the lettuce from behind your back, point at it and shout "Lettuce pray!". You can repeat this as often as you like, but in my experience I find I have dropped the lettuce after the fourth or fifth time because I am laughing wildly and out of control. The priest may well chuckle along too.. who knows."

This is an excerpt from "Biddy Baxters Fun With Lettuce", to be found in no good bookshops anywhere.

In which case, its only here till the mods find it EVERYONE - QUICK READ THAT^^^

lettuce be, lettuce be, whisper the words of salid, lettuce be.. give a lettuce to your cat at christmas.