h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Paint it red and use it to frighten taxi drivers.

Why would a red lettuce frighten taxi drivers?

Put it onto the spindle of a record player and watch it go around and around and around...

don't pick it up, pick it up pick it up <biggrin. I don't know why a lettuce painted red would frighten a taxi driver... I'll have to ask them next time I'm in a taxi...::

put it on a plinth as a kind of organic statue...

If you stuck your red lettuce on a pole under an unpainted green lettuce it might frighten a taxi driver . . .

Hang it on a gold chain and wear it round your neck.

Hang two on loops, hang them round your ears and audition for a part on Eastenders.

Put it forward as the Green candidate at the next election.

Use them as a new form of currency.

Slice it carefully, and use it as disposable place mats and coasters.

Christen your daughter it.

Worship them as gods.
Use them for tissue paper.
Mash them up, and collect the fibres through some complicated process to produce paper.
Pile them up and cement them together to form a wall.

Borrow a MiG 21 and drop a few on Paris on April 1st.

Feed it to a Guinea Pig. My guinea pigs love lettuce.

Feed it to me, I'm not over keen on them, but i am starving.
Wire it up to teh national grid and use it as a cheap form of street lighting.
Inpregnate it with perfume and use it as an nice looking air freshner.

Lettuce is very good with marmite. Make a marmite and lettuce sandwich and feed it to Orcus.

and stand WELL back.

Use it as a door stop?

Drill a hole in one, and attach a whatsit to it to make a key ring.

No more doorstops

Will all be added (along with your researcher credits) when I get round to it

Sorry didn't know what the list already contained... do now... I've finally read the entire list cool!

...

I thought it was you that pointed out that door stop was there twice

no, that was me.