h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two men meet on the street.

"It was very cold this morning."

"How cold was it?"

"I don't know the exact temperature, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."

RtC

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer
produced error messages in haiku...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.



How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.


How many phone perverts does it take to put in a new light bulb?
GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at the hospital to remove it.

Here are some nice ways to say
someone is not too swift!

She's sharp as a marble!

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Not the brightest color in the crayon box

One patch shy of a crazy quilt

An intellect somewhere between rock and moss

He has an LMC - low marble count

5 sandwiches short of a picnic

A couple of bananas short of a bunch

Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

RtC

Dave: My girlfriend asked for an example of a double-entendre.

Phil: What did you do?

Dave: I gave her one.

A new version of Windows has been announced. Here is the latest report:

New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Randomdize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

RtC

1-800-PSYCH

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator.
There are 200 calls ahead of you.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one
will answer.


RtC

*little note for Raymond*

Shouldn't there be a separate part about Delusional people:

If you are Delusional, please press 7 and you call will be transferred to the Mother-ship

Sounds good. There are probably others we could come up with too.

RtC

*brushes off all the dust on this thread*

Q: How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 21, one to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins!

Just found out that another version was already on h2g2.

Don't worry about it, and don't be sorry. The "TELL US A JOKE" thread I subscribe to (see my personal space under 'Most Recent Conversations') is over 7100 long and I've seen some jokes repeated numerous times. Sometimes the old ones need to be told so no one forgets them. I'm just glad you took the time to 'brush the dust off' this thread. Recommend it to your friends. Enjoy!

RtC

an oldie but goodie

i'll tell a knock knock joke, you start
....
....
....
....

Knock, knock. . .

Wait a minute! If you're telling the joke, YOU start with the "Knock, knock".

My reply is, "Who's there?"




(How do you make a sponge cake? First you borrow all the ingredients.)

RtC

(This is going to set a worlds record for the slowest 'Knock Knock' if this keeps up)

thats the whole point it leaves people hangging


"what is black and green and goes hum ding?"
"a black and green hum dinger"
"what's red and white and goes hum ding?"
"a red and white hum dinger"
"they don't come in that color"

What do you get when you fill your waterbed mattress with beer?


















A foam mattress.


RtC

A font walks into a bar. The barman says:

"Hey, we don't serve your type!"



A priest, a nun and a biker walk into a bar. The barman says:

"Is this some sort of joke?"



A blonde walks into a bar. The barman says:

"Sorry, this is a barman joke. Blonde jokes are next door"



A dyslexic walks into a bra...


(sorry, no offense intended)

the bear is white, because if all the walls face south it must be on the north pole.