h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As Mort seems to like the same silly jokes as me she might like this one....

Whats the fastest cake in the world?

Scone


Hath
x

How about this one:

A chemist returns from his lunch-break to find his assistant and a man leaning against the wall. He asks his assistant whats wrong with the man and he replies 'He came in earlier asking for a cough remedy but we had run out so I gave a bottle of laxatives instead'. The chemist looks at his assistant in disbelief and then yells 'you fool!, you can't treat a cough with laxatives!'. Clearly put out by the chemists reaction he says 'yes you can, look at him now, he's far too afraid to cough!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

A man was walking through the forest when he came to a fast-flowing river, he walks along the bank and decides that he can't get across to the other side. When he looks over to the other side he notices a woman looking at him. He yells out to her 'How do you get to the other side of the river?' and she shouts back to him ' You are on the other side of the river!'

What did the slug say to the snail?
Big issue!

Why is the space between a womans s and hips called a waist?
Because is could have another pair of s on it (waste/waist)

okay----
two oranges walking down the street, one says:
"Where do you live?"
The other one says:
"I'm not telling you- you'll nick my washing!"

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.

Or

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two- one to steady the giraffe while the other fills the bath with brightly coloured powertools.

I only heard that last one recently, and I've got a funny feeling it was on H2G2.....
so if I've nicked your joke...

OK, people, time to pick up the thread again.

What do you call a fly with no wings?




A walk. (Thank you to George Carlin)

MTFBWY
RtC

Hey, there! Isn't anyone interested in keeping up the run? We've got some good jokes in this thread, lets keep it going.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two (w)rights make . . . an airplane . . . and three rights make a left!

LL&P
RtC

I know a fellow who was so dumb, he lost forty dollars on a football game - twenty on the game and twenty on the instant replay.

RtC

How about this one;

A cardiologist died and was given a large funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When he realised everyone was staring at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

(proctology is to do with the anus, just in case, like me, you didn't know)

~Skenvoy

Skenvoy, that's awful! I love it!

Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips.

RtC

and you said my joke was awful!

~Skenvoy

Never said my joke was any better. Just hope it drew as many laughs.
Got another?

RtC

ok, how about this oen:

A blonde is going icefishing. She starts to drill a hole with her auger when a loud booming voice says, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So she stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again. The same voice booms, "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"

So she moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice immediately comes again, "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!"

The blonde looks around and says, "Who are you anyway? God?"

"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"

~Skenvoy

I heard a related joke:

Did you hear about the blonde who got killed while ice fishing?
She got run over by the Zamboni.

Similar joke, different slant. Both good.

RtC

Speaking of Blonde Jokes, we had a "Community Days" festival this weekend in my home town. I saw a blonde, almost a platinum blonde, with a T-shirt that read "NATURALLY BLONDE - PLEASE SPEAK SLOWLY".

LL&P
RtC

Skenovy, I told your cardiologist's funeral joke to a couple of friends and it got one of the biggest laughs I've seen for quite some time. Good show!

LL&P
RtC