h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man entered a bar and ordered a beer. He noticed another man playing the piano in a corner. The barman served him a pint of lager and dissappeared into the kitchen. At that very moment a tiny monkey jumped onto the bar and p***es into this bloke's lager.
Since he had a few drinks earlier that day, the man feared that it was his imagination and not a real monkey. He did not want to take the risk and drink the beer, so he poured it down the sink and ordered a new pint from the barman, who had just reappeared from the kitchen.
Then the barman was called to the telephone. The very moment he turned his back, the monkey was back again and performed his little trick for the second time. The man was still not sure this was really happening to him and ordered a third pint after donating the second one to a potted plant.
And for the third time the little creature appeared as soon as the barman walked out of the bar. Another pee-in-a-pint performance took place.
The man walked over to the pianoplayer in the corner and asked: "Sorry to bother you, but do you know the little monkey that keeps peeing in my lager?"
The pianoplayer was silent for a moment and answered: "Can't say I do, but perhaps you can whistle it?"

Terry

Here's a similar one I learned from my daughter when she was 9:

q: What is blue and not very heavy?

a: light blue

Terry

A pilot jumped off his airplane only to find his parachute would not open. While his speed increased by the second, he frantically pulled all the strings he could find, but the parachute stayed where it was.
Suddenly he noticed another man, with torn clothes and a black face, coming from the opposite direction, with a speed quite matching his own.
"Excuse me, do you know anything about parachutes?" the pilot asked.
"'Fraid not" muttered the other bloke, "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Terry

A couple of years ago I stayed at a small hotel in India. It was a gloomy place with a dreary looking bar, lit by a single 40 Watt lightbulb. I spent most evenings alone, at my private corner of the bar.
One evening, just when I ordered my last drink, the light suddenly went out. The barman lit a candle and started shouting in Hindi. Before I realised what was going on, about 25 Indians were running to and fro. Some were carrying candles, there were at least three of them with a ladder and one of them had The New Bulb.
After a great deal pushing and shouting and climbing ladders, the light suddenly flashed on. Within nanoseconds everyone had dissappeared. The barman was pouring my drink as if nothing had happened.

"Why do you need 25 people to change a bulb?" I asked him.

"Well, sahib, as an old English saying goes: Many hands make light work!

A joke of Biblical proportions:

When the waters of the Great Flood were gone, all the animals on Noah's ship gathered in pairs to leave the vessel and live happily ever after.
As an encouragement Noah spread his arms and shouted: "Go forth and multiply".
One half of a miserable looking pair of snakes muttered under its breath: "We can't, we're adders"

(There's a more or less similar joke, where Noah is believed to have said: Go fourth and multiply, so none of the animals could leave...)

At a conference on sex, the president of the club stands up for the first speech and says "It gives me great pleasure..." and then he sat back down.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It was holding onto the first one.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
It was tied to a grand piano.

Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the piano stool.

Why did the kangaroo die?
It got hit by five koalas and a grand piano.

An australian joke!

I'll apologize in advance if I already told this one, but here goes -

Why did the Siamese twins move to London?



So the other one could drive.

RtC

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?



Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

RtC

A man is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. "I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man. "That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my bottom on the door". The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door. "That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?" "It's easy" replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

Math

Do you know why blind people don't like to parachute jump?










Because it scares the hell out of their seeing eye dogs.

RtC

What do you do with a bird who has no wings?










You take him for a spin.

RtC

If all walls of a house are pointing south, we must be at the North Pole, correct? The house, presumably made of ice and snow, would be white, right?

Just doing my part for the hard-to-catch-up bunch.

Gee, I meant to finish up by saying it must be a polar bear, and white.

After the one about Koalas, I figure this is fair game.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of peanut trees.

Why shouldn't you walk through the jungle between 2:30 and 3:30?
That's when the elephants jump out of the peanut trees.

Why do beavers have flat tails?
They walked through the jungle between 2:30 and 3:30.

A man has a flat tire on a country road. To keep track of his lugnuts, he places them in the hubcap and proceeds to get the good tire from the boot.
As he is pulling out the spare, a passing car hits the hubcap and sends the fasteners flying into the nearby, overgrown field. Frustrated, he hears laughing and realises that he's parked next to the fence of an insane asylum; and one of the patients is laughing at him over the fence.
"What are you laughing at?", he says.
The patient says, "Sorry for laughing but, if I were you, I'd get one lugnut from each of the other three wheels and use them until I got to the next station."
The man thinks for a moment and replies, "That's really pretty smart. What are you doing in there?"
"Well," the patient retorted, "I'm crazy, not stupid."

Why does an elephant have a trunk?










Because he'd look silly with a glove compartment.

RtC

A lawyer was hunting when he shot a large goose that landed inside a posted field. He looked around, saw no one, and climbed over the fence to retrieve his bird. He had just picked it up when he heard a voice say "Drop the bird. You're trespassing". He saw an old man standing by the fence who looked to be in his 90's, barely 5 feet tall, and weighing about 90 pounds. The lawyer smiled and said "I'm a lawyer. So sue me."
The old man said, "That sounds like a good idea. Around here we use the Kentucky three-kick method of jurisprudence." The lawyer thought about it and said, "OK, I'm game. Go ahead and sue me. How does it work?" The old man replied, "Each person gets three kicks at his opponent. The one standing at the end wins. Being the plaintiff, I get to start."
The lawyer thought, "An old man like that, it can't be too bad", but before he had a chance to react, he felt a kick to the groin and he fell to the ground in severe pain. He looked up just in time to see the second kick coming right for his face. It connected and he could feel loose teeth and a broken nose. On top of that, one eye was swelling shut. The third kick was to his side and was so hard it flipped him completely over on his back. He could feel his broken ribs grating against each other as he breathed.
As he laid there recovering from the three kicks administered by the old man, all the lawyer could think of was "It's my turn next!" After about ten minutes he managed to get to his feet. He turned to the old man, grinned, and said, "OK, now it's my turn".
The old man smiled and said, "That's Ok. I concede defeat. You can have the goose".

RtC

An oldie but a goodie:

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

RtC