h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

.......tell you later

Star Wars joke

How many stormtroopers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the light bulb and the other one to watch him do it and then shoot him and take all the credit.

JA

knock knock

who's there?

BOO!!!

booh hoo

didn't mean to scare you that bad.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change
*groan*




Ask lady Karen!
She has a lot of short funny stories she could contribute!

A man and a woman meet in a bar and get talking. it emerges that both are divorced, "Why are you divorced" asks the woman. "My wife thought I was too perverted" says the man. "really, that's why my husband left me," she replies, "We should get together. Come back to mine and we'll do some really kniky, perverted stuff."

So, they go back to her house, and she says "Hang on a minute" and goes to get changed into her bondage gear. When she gets back into her lounge, she sees the man putting his coat on. "where are you going" she said, "I thought we were going to have some perverted sex.


"Look lady" says the guy, "I s**t in your purse, I f****d your dog, I'm off."

Patient : Doctor, Doctor when ever I break wind it sounds like a motor bike

Doctor : Mmm... sounds like absess

Patient : Absess?

Doctor : Yes - Absess makes the fart go Honda

what's the capital of Japan?

J

Ten things men know about women......

1) You can them.
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)

- I am sure its not true for all men but it made me

A sign outside of a small town read:

"DRIVE CAREFULLY! WE HAVE TWO CEMETARIES... NO HOSPITAL"

Will be sued by joke-of-the-day

there are 50 women hanging on the side of an aeroplane. they were too heavy and one of them had to let go to allow the others to live. 49 of the women were blonde. 1 was brunette. the brunette said she'd let go. the blondes clapped.

x 100!!!!

What's white and can't climb trees?

A Fridge.

No idea why but that cracks me up every time.

!Warning, seriously long joke with bad punchline!

Once upon a time there was a purple kingdom. In the purple kingdom there were lots of purple people and they were ruled over by a purple king. The purple king had a purple daughter (known as the purple princess) and they lived in the purple castle. One day the purple princess went to the purple king and said "Puprle King, please may I be allowed to walk around the purple land and meet the purple people". The Purple King said "No purple princess you may not as it is too dangerous and you are the purple princess". The purple princess decided to ignore the purple king so crossed the purple drawbridge and walked along the purple road.
As the purple princess walked along the purple road she met a purple pauper. The purple pauper said to the purple princess "Please will you marry me". But the purple princess said "No purple pauaper, I cannot marry you as I am the purple princess". So the purple princess continued to walk along the purple road. Then the purple princess met a purple knight. The purple princess said to the purple knight "Please purple knight will you marry me." But he said "No purple princess I will not marry you as I do not love you". So the purple princess continued to walk along the purple road.
Eventually the purple princess reached a purple cave. Walking inside she found a purple dragon, who breathed purple fire. Screaming the purple princess ran back along the purple road, being chased by the purple dragon. The purple princess ran to the purple knight and asked him to slay the purple dragon. The purple knight tried to slay the purple dragon but was killed in the attempt. So the purple princess ran along the purple road until she met the purple pauper and asked him to slay the purple dragon. the purple pauper took his bow and shot a purple arrow through the purple dragons purple eye. As the purple dragon died the purple princess asked the purple pauper to marry her and he accepted.
The purple princess and the purple pauper returned to the purple castle and the purple princess asked the purple king if she could marry the purple pauper. The purple king said "No purple princess as you are a princess and he is a pauper. Now you may either give up your love of the purple pauper and live in the purple castle. Or you can love him and live in the purple cell." So the Purple princess chose the purple cell and the purple guard marched her down the purple steps to the purple dungeon. The purple guard opened the purple cell's purple door and said
"Indigo"

!!!!

~Skenvoy

Why could not the monkeys find any asprin in the jungle?

It's because the parrots ate them all, (parectamol)!

There was a man with 3 heads, no arms and one leg waiting for a bus. The bus stopped and the conductor said to the man waiting "eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, eye, you look armless hop on"!

I was told the joke about the man with 3 heads in 1976.

JA

How does a microsoft engineer change a flat tire?

He changes it one at a time to see which is flat

How does a microsoft engineer change oil?

He changes one at a time to see which is flat.

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marraige might work. they discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Eventually the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she replied, answering carefully, "I would have to say that I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then he looked over his glasses at her and asked, ".... Was that one or two words?"

At a camp for an approaching war, supplies were running low, so to teach his men how to fight the seargeant gave them a broom. He said "All you have to do is aim this at something and yell 'shooty shootidy shoot'" and then he gave them a bannana and said "If you need to fight close range, tie this and use it as a bayonet and say 'stabbity stabbity stab'"

So their day in combat came and their supplies had still not arrived, so the sargeant told them to do exactly what he taught them, so they got their brooms and started saying "Shooty shootidy shoot" and the enemy soldiers were all falling over in death, when they got close-range, they would say "Stabbity Stabbity Stab" and the enemy would die. However one enemy soldier didn't fall and didn't respond to the stabs, when he was mowing over the soldiers, he was heard to mutter "Tankity Tankity Tank..."

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, "I hope you can drive this thing!"

A Flock of sheep are grazing happily in a field,Going "Baa Baa" to each other when suddenly they hear a "Moo,mooooo". They look around and only see sheep,so they carry on grazing. Then they hear"Moo Mooooooo moo",again. One of them spots a young sheep making the noise and asks" Why are you mooing? You are a sheep sheep go baa." The young sheep replies............

"I know but I wanted to learn a foreign language"