h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How do you think I got this money? - Homer
Dealing drugs? - Bart
Drugs? - Lisa
I'd have to say drugs too - Marge
Close, but you're way off - Homer

"I can't say I was at a bar in front of my wife... I was, at a pornography store! I was, buying pornography!"
-Homer

So many quotes, so little time. A few of my faves:

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about" - Oscar Wilde

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience" - ?

"24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright (I think)

"One more drink and I'll be under the host" - Dorothy Parker, at a party obviously

"The great mass of men live lives of quiet desperation" - Thoreau

"When shall we three meet again?"
"Well, I can do next Tuesday"
- from Wyrd Sisters by Terry Pratchett

"It is better to keep silent and be thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" - ?

"Sex without love is an empty experience"
"Yes, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best"
- dialogue from Love and Death by Woody Allen

"This above all - to thine own self be true" - Polonius' advice to Laertes in Hamlet

And finally, a quote about quotes:

"The ignorant man can learn much from books of quotations" - Winston Churchill

I quit!

"Fix here, ye overdated spheres//That wing the restless foot of time." - John Milton
(Because it's the shortest piece of Miltonic writing that merited a separate entry in an anthology of his works.)

Scott Adams quotes (from "Dogbert's Clues for the Clueless"):

[Phone calls while another person is in the room]
"Sorry, but the person on the other end of this phone is probably more important than you. Feel free to stare out of my window."
(Sums up how I feel about mobile phones)

[Person who always wants some of your food]
"Ooh, french fries! I wound never have thought of ordering something that I wanted to eat!"
(I don't mind sharing, but sometimes...)

[Advice concerning bad hairpieces]
"Do not become obsessed with hairpiece and stare transfixed at it."
(Oh, man, how many times has that happened?)

W.C. Fields - 'A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her'.

Some international bad English quotes, siphoned from Bill Bryson's "Mother Tongue":

On a Japanese eraser - "Mr Friendly Quality Eraser. Mr Friendly Arrived! He always stay near you, and steals in your mind to lead you a good situation".

On the bottom - "We are ecologically minded. This package will self-destruct in Mother Earth".

Japanese Coke slogan - "Feel Coke & Sound Special".

T-Shirt in Tokyo - "O.D. On Bourgeoisie Milk Boy Milk".

Shopping Bag, with dancing elephants - "Elephant Family Are Happy With Us. Their Humming Makes Us Feel Happy". Rings a bell...

Shopping Bag, with yachts, on a blue sea - "Switzerland: Seaside City"

Cream Soda slogan - Too Fast To Live, Too Young To Happy".

On a jacket in London - "100% Boys for Atomic Atlas". ?

I saw a little japanese girl at the Notting Hill Carnival last year, carrying a rucksack which proudly bore the brand name ANUS, and in South Africa a month ago I saw an Afrikaans Christian bookstore called CUM.

If only they knew!

Stupid trash...rotten, stinking...hate world, revenge soon...takeout on everyone...

Homer, taking out the trash

"Beware of any endeavour requiring new clothes" - Henry David Thoreau (thansk to my friend Nick for that one)

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." - Ralph Wiggum

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." - Ralph Wiggum

Its famous, but here goes:

"No TV and no beer makes homer something something."
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do! Blaah! Whooo! Deedledeeedle!"

"My pony has a first name its H.O.M.E.R
My pony has a second name its H.O.M.E.R...etc"

"...Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'..."

From The Shawshank Redeption

"thats not a cigar you're smoking..."

"This was not going to rate among the hundred most exciting coven meetings of all time. If Mussorgsky had seen them, the night on a bare mountain would have been over at teatime."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." - Darth Vader.

"...I tell you these walls are funny. First you hate them...then you get used to em'...enough time passes...you get so you depend on them...They send you here for life, and thats exactly what they take,
part that counts anyway..."

The Shawshank Redemption

"...I know that I'm guilty but I dont know what I've done/and you're upset cos I can't read your mind..." - Billy Bragg 'Life With The Lions'

Oh hell, every second line on that album is worth quoting

"My friend said she could see no way ahead
And i was probably better off without you
She said to face up to the fact
That you weren't comming back
And she could make me happy like you used to
And i'm sorry to say that i turned her away
Knowing everything she said was true
And that's the price i pay
For loving you the way that i do."

- Billy Bragg, The Price I Pay (From the album "Workers Playtime")