h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*there is a feedback screech and then the music begins. A tinny arrangement of nursery rhyme tunes is emitted from the loudspeakers (an orchestra would be too expensive)*

*a deep voice trying to do an impersonation of 'the voice God' interrupts...*

My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. Other Entities. Welcome to the Hootoo Theatre.

Atelier Productions in Association with Graphic Ants (sponsored by Bassets Allsorts) proudly presents, for your delight and delectation, The Mother of All Gooses.

*the curtain creakily draws back to reveal the Main Room of the Gingerbread Cottage http://www.asterlil.com/h2g2/mothergoose/stageset.htm *

*the protagonists can enter from the wings or from either of the two doors at the back of the stage... or from above, of course*

*Buttercup waits in the wings*

[Back]: Charming spot. Inspiring prospects. Let's go.
[Front]: We can't.
[Back]: Why not?

*dramatic pause*

[Front]: We're waiting for Godot.

*another dramatic pause*

[Back]: Any more culture like that and you'll turn into a fruit yoghurt. On with the show!


*the music starts - it's the introductory bars of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air* the front end Buttercup turns her horns back to front and ambles onto the stage from stage right* the back follows in due order but does a strange jumping dance*

[Front]: (singing)


Now this is the story all about how
We ended up working as a pantomime cow
It'll take just a minute and it's not very scary
We'll tell you the tale of the Queen of the Dairy


On Lite Philadelphia born and raised
We won a beauty pageant; we were feted and praised
But our looks didn't last, they faded, and now
We make both ends meet as a pantomime cow


So come along with us and join the three blind mice,
the seven dwarves and others. It'll be so nice
There's a puss in boots (or a worm that is hairy)
We might even bump into the odd fuzzy fairy


They'll guide us across the Lake of the Row Row
And then we'll climb high to the spire that's called Ho Ho
After admiring the Garden that's oh so Contrary
(Keep an eye out for a gal called Mary)


If we manage to escape from Pecos Bill's Jail
The eggs of Mother Goose may be found on the trail
But there are a few traps to catch the unwary
So hold onto the tail of the Queen of the Dairy

*the front stops and waits for the applause* the back fails to realise that the music has stopped and then finishes by doing the splits*

*applauds enthusiastically*

*Munching on the last portion of what is clearly the remainder of a large gingerbread man, a stylishly dressed large black cat enters from the Garden Door.*

Aaaah... Ssuch a rrefresshing place to take rrefresshmentss! Who iss thiss? How now brrown Cow?

*He slinks swiftly to the Back of the Cow, swaying in rhythm to the tune that's just finished, and grabs hold of the tail.*

*whistles in approval*

*the music reprises* Buttercup starts a slow ambling dance around the stage with Purr in Boots hanging onto her tail*

*Applauds the opening number.*


Quite impressive, don't you think?

*comes running in from the left wing, too late realising he should have come in from the right wing*

*skids to a halt, thinks of running back, changes his minds, runs between the cow's legs, trips over his own somewhat too large feet as he trys to catch the cat's tail*

*his bill closes around the tail a bit harder than intended while the duckling tries to regain his balance*

*seven dwarves run on to the stage from the right wing*

*the front dwarf stops, allowing all his friends to crash into him*

*he falls forward, narrowly escaping crushing the poor duckling*

*the dwarves put their hand on each others shoulders and march along whistling behind the rest*

Oh, prime slapstick! Hey, Dwarves, did y'all bring your parkas? I hear we're expecting some White Snow shortly.

Yeowrrrlll... *Looks behind him at the Duck clamped onto his tail.*

*stage whispers* Be carreful not to rruffle the furr too much, little fledgling. Yeou look plump enough to take the place of the Christmas Goose that Ai missed during holiday.

*Continues to jig along with the Back of the Cow, wondering where the Front of the Cow will lead next.*

*hangs on for dear life, trying to smile bravely, despite really wanting to cry when he hears what the cat whispers to him*

Boooooooo! You leave that duck alone!

*Puts on his best feral grin and mutters between clenched teeth.*
Ai can ssee that playing the parrt of a Good charracterr could be morre difficult than Ai had anticipated...

*Buttercup starts another lap of the stage*

Ai have hearrd it ssaid that "If yeou'rre not the lead'Elephant, the view neverr changes." **Winks at d'E and Zeppo.**

**Whispers to the Duck.** Hold on tight, maiy ffine ffeatherred ffriend! We arre apprroaching the Dwarrves and Ai can only sspeculate where they might grrab yeou in orrderr to join the congo line...

*three blind mice enter from stage right and immediately run up the legs of the nearest stool so as not to be underfoot of the conga line. Once on the stool, they all straighten their fedoras, adjust their glasses and adopt a Fred-Astaire sort of pose, leaning on their canes*

*All three, in close harmony*

You'll hear it said, mice run the planet.
We like to think it's true but can it
be? We could be tromped to pieces
on this set, we poor blind meeses!

1: Our tails were cut off with a carving knife!
2: We hear it was done by a farmer's wife!
3: Rumors about the deed are rife!
All: We're doomed to chase her down all our life!
1: But we don't want to cause any strife
2: The play's the thing and we're just a trife
3: le.

All: We're Threeee blind miiiice!

*they bow, then hop onto the table and hit their marks around the bud vase*

*the applauds wildly, jumping up and down and clapping her little hands*

Yeah! Oh, this is soooooooooooooooo good! Will the soundtrack be on sale during intermission, do you think?

*terribly excited, begins to dash onto the stage from the left*

Dibbs on a gingerbread man!

*she trips over...something...in the wing and goes tumbling across the stage, coming to rest against a table leg*

Owww!

*the dwarves jump onto each other until they are standing in a tall - rather wobbly - column following the others*