h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*carefully steps out from beneath the attracted by Cinder's friendly voice*

Quack?

*mildly surprised by Mary's indifference when it comes to having a landing on her shoulder and also - although you would never get him to admit it - slightly impressed*

Ahem - yes, chérie - shall we get going? It is Sunday, non?

*looks around expecting to find Robyn by his other arm and instead spots the *

Come now, my wolly headed friend - be a good and run along ahead!

Mademoiselle Robyn - are you ready?

*<-- offstage voice*

If any one wants to keep their "things" in this they are welcome.

*Pansy's laundry basket is pushed onto the stage*

*<-- offstage voice* I usually use it when I take in washing, but I'm closed for sock taking at the moment. There's a queue of gentlemen eager to bring me their smalls, so I'll want it back.

*shouts out from her luxury seat*

Tour? What tour?

Have you booked
With Thomas Cook?

It's a tour, so I've heard. How exciting! Did you bring any sucky sweets, Caerwynn? I've just finished my

*the lights dim leaving just one spotlight on Buttercup the Cow* the Fresh Prince music starts up again*

[Front]:


For the eggs of Mother Goose a search we must make
And, as someone suggested we'll begin at the Lake
It's dark and it's misty and a little bit scary
So follow the tail of the Queen of the Dairy

*turns and dances upstage* the curtains close and the music fades away*

*doing his 'Voice of god' impression again* Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys, Girls and Other Entities. Atelier and Graphic Ants Productions proudly present the latest in entertainment experiences... *click* drumroll* ... the amazing... ... the wonderful... ... the fully interactive... ePantomime! *click* canned applause* Under each of your seats you will find your shrink-wrapped fully-adjustable Total Immersion Headwear and Glove. We invite you to join the cast and other members of the audience at Row Row Lake! http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/plain/F107682?thread=232292 *click* some music to give everyone time to organise themselves*

*exits through the Garden Door at the back of the stage*

[Back]: *in an actorly voice* Charming evening we're having.
[Front]: Unforgettable.
[Back]: And it's not over.
[Front]: Apparently not.
[Back]: It's only beginning.
[Front]: It's awful.

*short dramatic pause*

[Back]: Worse than the pantomime.



*front snorts with laughter and they amble off to the green room to plug into the Total Immersion Unit*

*applauds vigorously*

*Tugs on the Stranger's arm*


Come on, I think we're supposed to go this way.


<-- kicks the stranger that slapped him, maintaining his position between the Stranger and Robyn.

*leans over as if to whisper something in the 's ear, cupping his hand in front of his mouth*

*behind the hand he bares his fangs at the *

\/ \/
/\ /
*hisses*

Now, be a good little and do as I tell you!

*straightens up, kicks the in the butt sending it staggering forward, turns to Robyn offering her his other arm*

*rummages in a pocket and finds a packet of lemon sherbets*

Want one of these, coely?

Do you suppose these helmet things are 'one size fits all'?

That's it, Ducky out you come.

We are off to some lake or other, you can demonstrate your paddling and dibbling for duckweed.

Thank you Mr Stranger, but as that has a distinctly unpleasant look on it's face, I shall keep my distance!

*picks up her swag bag and heads for the Lake*

*The sheep turns with a nasty look in his eye and the wool trying to bristle on his back. He starts walking slowly and deliberately towards the stranger, emitting something that sounds suspiciously like a growl. Mary makes some frantic hand motions with her free hand and manages to catch the sheep's eye. The sheep looks from Mary to the Stranger and back again. Finally, with a sigh, the sheep turns aside and walks over to Mary. Mary pats the sheep on the head and gives it the LOOK.*

There, there. I'm sure the Stranger meant you no harm. *Turns to Stranger and smiles sweetly* Did you, dear?

*the dwarves decide to hurry off and get their Total Immersion devices before being left out of the plot*

3: *dropping off his branch, feeling and sniffing the object he landed on* 'Ere. This isn't gold. It's wooden.
1: *landing beside Guido* It's been painted.
2: *Landing beside the other two* Probably gilded. I smell alderwood.

3: Let's go back to the green room.
2: All right.
1: All right.

*they drop to the ground under the tree and exit stage left*

*glares at the in a 'if looks could kill' manner - he will /not/ be intimidated by a *

Eh bien - let us hurry and catch up with the others, shall we my dear?

*has already grabbed a Total Immersion Unit for himself, and hands one to Mary*

*fails to hand one to *

Ready? 1 - 2 - 3!

*in an amazingly transparent display of forced nonchalance, Thistle looks skyward, whistles toonlessly, and rolls something hidden under her dress far under the Christmas tree. She then kicks a few packages in front of it. Then she dashes off the get her TI Unit and join her fellow players at the Lake*

*dashes back, grabs a gingerbread man, and dashes out again.*