h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* the dwarf wakes up to find himself on a cow's back with an egg on top of him and under a table. he decides this is a satisfactory position and after a deep yawn goes to sleep again *

*meanwhile, the remaining six acrobatic dwarves have formed a dwarven pyramid*

*loudly applauds*

*notices the Mice; she was hardly expecting to see them. Leans over and utters a confused snarl*

What are you doing there!

*realises this is hardly the impression she wants to make on them, tries again, this time showing a little less tooth.*

Er, I mean, well, gee, you're OK. Do you guys want me to keep on trying to rescue you?

*elbows Titania"


Do you think all this is in the script?

Yeeooowwrrrllll...!!!

**Purr's fur is all a-fluff and a-hackle from the Duck's misplaced derring-do. In a fit of confusion--not knowing whether to fend off the Duck, retort to the , or deal with Thistle Howl's threats of further violence--he just sits down at the periphery of the scenery, hoping he's hit someone's (anyone's) tape mark. He breathes a heavy sigh and decides to address the .**

Rrun for coverr, take a rride in maiy cap, wrrestle meow to the grrround, or thrrow meow to the 'wolf'. It makess no differrence to meow. As long as we prress on with the Panto.

Ai am ffinding it 'Exceedingly Difficult' to maintain maiy Good-naturred charracter, againsst ssuch odds. Ai begin to think the sscrript was plagiarrized from a televission ssit-com. What's next? A 2-ton anvil drropping onto ssomeone's head...?

Some of the actors think there's a script! That's wonderful! What a great comedy!

*stares into the audience. The expression on her face is sure to make audience members feel as if they are bearing downs on her in a large vehicle with very bright headlights.

She wonders if ruining a play is an offense that will get her a spanking.*

*stage wisper to Purr* We might be alright, everyone's watching the dwarves make their pyramid. Maybe no one has noticed us.

Boo! Hissssssssssssss.

*not really having any idea who she is booing and hissing at, but its all part of the audience participation*

*Pansy has been wildly waving the poker whilst wobbling on the rocking chair for some time. So far she has managed to keep her balance, but....*

Woooah! Wooooooooaaaahhhhh!!!!

*the wobbling is worse*

Wooooaaaaaaahhhhhh!

*Pansy falls from the chair and lands with a loud thud on the mat and a slightly mistimed drum sound effect*


OOOOHHHH!!! I've landed right on my coccyx!

*Standing up with great difficulty and much show of bloomers, she glares at a lady in the front row*

I said "coccyx" madam.

*to the rest of the audience*
Ooh some people. Minds like a sewer.

*Patting her ample bosom and smoothing down her dress Pansy ignores the other action on stage and starts to walk off*

I'm just off to powder my nose. But I'll be back boys and girls. It wouldn't be a panto without a Pansy in it!

*waves*

*applauds*

Drum effect? We have an orchestra?

*stands up trying to spot it*

Hey! Carmel ! Can you see any orchestra from the front row?

*the dwarves decide to start some sort of story and organise everyone*

*five of the dwarves line up at then front of the stage and the other goes and gets *

Hallo Everybody *they all shout*

*the audience replies: Hallo Dwarves. hopefully*

Welcome to the Mother of All Gooses. We hope to lead you on an entirely wild and wondrous goose chase. The search for the goose magical eggs. Will you help us answer the riddles?

Of course we will!

Hello Dwarves!

Great! *they shout*

Come on fellow pantomimers we've got some egg-hunting to do!

*the dwarves skip off stage whistling *

*gapes in surprise to see the mice obviously alive and well, thereby loosing his grip around the cat's tail*

Sorryyyy... quack!

*clumsily runs over to the and hides beneath it*

Awww, Duckie, come out of there.

*pokes among the gift-wrapped boxes, looking for the Duckling. Finds something more solid than a box and sits on it to sulk.*

What was it the Dwarf said we are looking for?

*the glances right and left*

No, Ti, they don't have an orchestra. It's just some sort of sound effects machine. Gee, they had me fooled there, for a minute.

*Shouts from the audience*

You're meant to find the EGGS!

1: *still speaking softly to Purr in Boots from the hatbrim* Get us back onto the tree and we'll overlook things just this once.
2: Just this once.
3: We're blind you know.
1: We have to be back on the tree for our next number.
2: But there will be no next time, paisano.
3: Leo, stay focussed.
1: Just move toward the tree and we'll jump.
3: Thank you kindly.
2: Thank you kindly.
1: Thank you kindly.

*the mice set their fedoras more firmly on their heads, put their canes under their arms and wait for their chance*

Oy, Purr!

Let the mice go!

Booooo! Hisssssss!