h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm betting he's Grumpy. The Gingerbread Man wasn't a member of the cast was he? Should we be screaming "Murder!"?

*tries to pull her swag bag from underneath Humpty Dumpty*

Gerrrroffff!

*at which point the bag works lose, sending her flying into the wings*

*leaping for the tree, each mouse lands neatly on a different branch with their canes tucked under their arms*


3: Twinkle, twinkle, big fat star --
2: Pandemonium can't be far
away.
1: It's close but no cigar.

All: We wish with all our tiny might
For rave reviews on opening night.

*they begin a complicated spinning routine with their canes, like majordomos*

1: There are presents at the bottom of the tree.
2: Oooh! Presents!
3: Who are the presents for?

*the routine finishes as they fling their whirling canes in the air then catch them neatly, bow, and wait on their branches*

1: *very quietly* We'll investigate later.

*Buttercup staggers around the stage disoriented*

[Front]: What hit me?
[Back]: You were battered by an extra large egg.
[Front]: *quietly* We'll make it look as if it was supposed to happen.

*they dance about a bit trying to figure out what to do next*

*then the music stops*

Get on with it!

*comes running onstage having disentangled herself from the Mysterious Stranger*

All I did was take his arm for a dance and he thought I was his for life! Men!

Hello Buttercup, have you any milk for me?

Oh look! Here's our Cinders.
We can make a quick sale.
It's two pence a litre
Or four pence a pail.

*in the wings, helping Robyn to get up*

Mademoiselle - what a pleasure to see you again! *twirls his moustache, winks*

Ah - but this is no good - let us partake in the play again!

*re-enters with together with Robyn, arm around Robyn's waist*

*quickly assessessesses - assesses - the situation*

Mademoiselle - if you would be so kind - calm Madame Pansy, s'il vous plait!

*helps Humpty Dumpty up*

*twirls his moustache at Cinders*

*stares at the Mysterious Stranger, somehow he reminds her of her Uncle Dracul (who isn't really her uncle, just a friend of the family). She feels strangely relieved that she is so much younger than the women the Stranger has danced with, though she doesn't know why.*

*peeks out from behind her petticoats*

Is there no big strong man to protect me from these

EEEEEKKKKK!!! There they are!

*Dropping her petticoats to point, Pansy spots something on the floor. Turning her back to the audience she then points to the poker.*

Oooh! I do like a nice big tool!

*She bends down to pick it up. The audience get another view of the bloomers and notice that there is a picture on her ample rear of an large exclamation mark.*

*Turning round, Pansy notices the audience admiring her outfit and smiles as she stands up.*

Do you like my dress? I used to work in a posh shop you know, and I always had to look my best for the public, so I still try to keep my standards up. You just never knew who was going to come in.

*Pansy smooths down her bright green dress and pats her hair in place, then purses her lips to show off her bright red lipstick to full effect.*

Yes, I used to be a shop girl in my youth.

*She puts her hand on her hip*

All sorts of customers we had. Like... one day this nice young man came into my shop. Lovely he was! He looked at me and I knew he fancied me. Knew it! Then he came right out and asked me. He said "Excuse me miss, do you keep stationery?"

"Well..." I said
"Well...sometimes I do and sometimes I wriggle around a bit"

*Suddenly noticing the again, Pansy waves the poker and jumps onto the rocking chair, which starts to wobble precariously*

[Front]: *improvising like mad*

Who is this Stranger?
He is so mysterious.
Can he rescue poor Pansy
Who is quite hysterious?

[Back]: *groans*

**Purr thinking quickly upon the impending demise of the , disengages from Buttercup's tail and starts to rush over to them. The Dwarves have seemingly lost hold of the Duck, which is now flapping along madly--still clamping Purr's twitching tail in its beak.**

Pleasse allow meow to assisst, dear Miss Panssy...

**He practically dives onto the , scooping them up with one large paw, and apparently doffing his feathered cap in deference to Miss Pansy. It seems he has swallowed all three of the mice in one gulp! He clasps his hat by the brim and draws it to his chest in a flourish, bowing to the fair frightened damsel.**

**Purr backs toward Stage right, deprecating his show of bravery to save the virtues of the fair young damsel with the 5-o’clock shadow. He dons his red-feathered cap, which seems to be squirming of its own accord atop his furry pate. **

There yeou go, dear Miss Pansy! These little rrodentss will not trrouble yeou any longerr…

**As he approaches the edge of the set, he to his cap.**

Please be sstill until Ai am closse enough to at the edge of the scenery to let yeou disembarrk, maiy minisscule mouse friends. I hope thiss little ruse will put the deliriouss damssel off yeour sscent for a time. Now jusst lift the edge of the cap, sslink down maiy back, and sslide down maiy tail to ssafety. Ai could not bearr to have ffellow thespianss meet ssuch an untimely demise sso earrly in the prroduction.

**He straightens to stand upright at far Stage right, attempting to look inconspicuous, while the clamber down his back.**

*from her vantage point she can see only part of the action, and she jumps to the obvious wrong conclusion. Charging fearlessly across the stage, she begins to savagely kick the heck out of Purr's shins.*

Spit 'em out! You hear me, you...you...you meanie! Spit out the Mice!

*she bars her fangs. Thistle is a civilized Critter, but she's still a Critter, and Purr will NOT want to be bitten.*

*aghast at the cat's actions*

*filled with fear, he would most of all like to let go and run and hide under the *

*instead he summons up all the courage he can muster (which isn't much), closes his eyes and bites together as hard as he can*

*fully expecting to be the cat's next victim, he decides to not let go - if the cat wants to eat him up, he'll have to eat his own tail too*

Behind You!

Hooray! The cat deserved that!

*they stop clambering halfway down*
1: This cat is taking liberties with our persons.
2: Last person to do that was the Farmer's Wife.
3: Dreadful liberties!
1: So we should chase this cat.
2: I don't like your logic.
3: I don't like your logic either.

*the first mouse clambers back up the cat's back and springs up onto the brim of the cat's hat*

1: Oy, cat, a word in your shell-like if you don't mind.

*after a moment of hesitation, the other two mice follow the first mouse and nestle in the brim, all of them hanging onto the hatband in case the cat starts doffing*

2: You disrespected our defensible space.
3: Did you know my name is Guido?

*the attitude of the mice brings to mind the Peter Pan Massacre of a few years back*

[Front]: It would be wise
[Back]: While we are able
[Front]: To go and hide
[Back]: Beneath the table

*Buttercup squeezes under the table*

I'm sure a pail of milk will be enough to add to my Stepmother's bath, Buttercup, she is a real skinflint! But I can wait until you come out from under the table.

*pulls a duster out from under her waistband and flicks it around the stage, shifting the dust*