h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*his hot breath brushes against Mary's throat*

*he opens his mouth, displaying something white and very sharp, glistening in the moonlight*

See! See! WhadidItellya?!?! We gotta warn her--NOW!

B4isimulpostagain

Mary! Mary! Open your eyes!

*tries to climb up on the stage in her agitation, but is held back by Witty, who whisperingly reminds her about the very large person*

I don't care! We can't let Mary become a victim of that... that...

*struggles to free herself*

*Mary's pulse quickens*

<-- glances over his shoulder. Does a double-take then jumps up and turns around. Puts front hooves on Strangers chest.

BAAAAAAAAAACK!

Mary:

Missed it by THAT much...
That must have kin that works at Fourex.

B4iROFLMAO

*sits down*



You can let go of me now...



Riddle? Yes please!

That's all right, Ti. It's all very dramatic, isn't it?

I hope I didn't bruise your arm.

FLIP FLAP FLIP FLAP

*Pansy has quite forgotten her chase of Purr. For the moment anyway*

Cinders, thank you so much for saying you like my clothes. I've always thought that a beautiful woman should have beautiful things and your stepmother is right. If your sisters are to catch rich husbands they will need fine gowns. But you should look for one too!

*Pansy looks at poor Cinders closely.*

I'm sure I have a wonderful dress I could lend you when we get back. We're practically the same size, after all.

*Pansy then looks around to make sure no one else is watching or listening. Satisfied that they are all watching Mary, she whispers, loudly, in Cinders' ear*

Your poor sisters, needing to resort to the knife for their looks. I've never had any surgery you know. I'm all real. It's hard to believe isn't it but all true I can assure you.

*Pansy adjusts her ample bosom then continues whispering.*

They're all me. Some people pay thousands just to look even half this good you know.

*Patting her hair into place, Pansy addresses anyone within earshot*

I'm looking forward to a costume change when we get to the next place! Then I might have a go at this riddle.

*She goes flip flapping off along the stepping stones and disappears into the darkness*

*throwing toffees at the Mysterious Stranger*

Yah Boo! Hiss!

*picks up the mirror*

Mirror, mirror, in my hand,
Who is the fairest in the land?

*a voice eminates from the mirror*

The competition would be keen
If you wore no mask and Cinder's frock was clean
But as things now stand
Miss Pansy is the fairest lady in the land

**Purr in Boots comes zig-zagging across the grass batting something erratically between his paws, pouncing on it, only to have it bobble away from him again and again. His boots are digging up the turf in his excitement, his green breetches are smeared with dirt and grass, his blue jerkin hangs open and loose about his chest, and his cap is barely clinging askew to his pate, the read feather swishing wildly back and forth with his cavorting.**

[Purr] Ai have yeou--NOW! **He pounces and the grapefruit-sized object spins out of his grasp.** Ai will-- **pounce, spin** --have yeou-- **grab, slip** --maiy lovely-- **clutch, slither** --catnip...!

**He chases the odiferous round root-like object without mercy, careening across the wood, finally running in circles about Mary and her and the Mysterious Stranger. Diving with all his might onto the ground, he pins the pungent ball, then rises with it clasped firmly between his two paws. He stares at it with longing, then suddenly realizes he's made a grave mistake.**

[Purr] What in the--?! Who ssubsstituted maiy catnip ball with a Larrge Clove of GARRLIC???

**He stands perplexedly between Mary and the Mysterious Stranger, and notes the gazing at him askance, perhaps wondering if this herb was meant for a stew he didn't want any part of.**

Pansy, please don't push. We'll get across in due time. It would be faster if we had a raft.

* Carefully steps on to the next stone *

*Hands on hips*

Exuuuuuse me, sir, but we were having a PRIVATE moment here!

<--butts the cat, slightly less than gently.

Oooommmpfff...!

**Purr staggers back from the 's butt (take that however you want ), and drops the Large Clove of GARLIC at the Mysterious Stranger's feet. Seeing he's intruding on "a PRIVATE moment", Purr obligingly retreats from the grôpe á trois and makes his way to the Stepping Stones.**

Mmmmrrrrr... There musst be morre hosspitable, and less sshadowy, company to be had here at the Lake...

**He takes a first tentative step out over the water, trusting the Stepping Stones will hold, even as they have for Humpty Dumpty and for Pansy Ffing.**

Ya know, if the characters are using so much French, shouldn't the 's butt be a derriere?

B4

It’s time for me dodge the danger
of the mean Mysterious Stranger,
And a sheep that’s quite contrary,
as well as vacillating Mary.
Not that I’m seeking to estrange her,
but my body she wants to rearrange...er!
So I’ll take a hint from the Queen of Dairy
and follow the light of a dancing faery...

Speaking of Pansy, who’s trying to get ready
for the next act, stands chilled in a teddy.
Seems that Goose Eggs aren’t the only puzzle;
there's stolen costumes and props--oh, the buzz’ll
Be running rampant, the rumors are steady!
But, how does this tie in with Lake monster Eddy?
I’ve been straining my brain and scratching my muzzle;
wrestling with clues has become such a tussle!

While I muse on the answer to the riddle,
I’ll ease my mind and play my fiddle.
I’m no virtuoso and deaf to tone,
so stop me if I seem to drone.
There’s a popular tune called “Hey, Diddle-Diddle”
that I’ll play when I get to the middle
Of the Lake, and hope that I won’t be alone,
serenading on the very last Stepping-Stone.

**Purr takes another dainty step further along the path of Stepping-Stones, ever mindful of how easy it’s been to plunge into the wa-- (his thoughts shy away from the word). He fetches up next to the very fetching Pansy, who seems to have overcome her dilemma of missing costumes, and is ‘dressed to the nines’. Under such conditions--the full globe of a romantic moon, a gentle breeze laden with the heady aroma of wildflowers, the nearness of the Panto’s leading ‘lady’, the gentle lapping of H2O against the Stepping-Stones from Eddy the Lake Monster’s thrashing about with the Duck and Thistle Howl (and that his Manager bargained vehemently to showcase this talent)--Purr pulls forth his fiddle and begins to play. The sounds evoked from the strings of the fine instrument give a whole new meaning to the term “caterwaul”.**

*applauds*

What happened to that periscope thing?

*eats *

*Overcome by music and moonlight, Thistle begins to dance. She dances like a little girl who has only seen ballet on TV - she's not very good but she's very enthusiastic.*

Lalalalalalalalaldeedah...

I'm not sure if we're watching "The Mother of All Gooses" or the classic "Fiddler Made a Goof"...

B4iputearplugsin

[Wait a minute! I'm wearing a TIH&G. All I have to do is REMOVE the ear-buds of the headset.]

*joins Thistle dancing in the moonlight*