h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Clutches the plastic salad container to his heart*


I'll be okay, Affy. Thank you for your concern. It's just that I thought that maybe if I could talk with Woody...maybe with some counselling...maybe...he would turn over a new leaf. He was never a good brother, but he was the only one I had and I always hoped he would change.

And now , there is no chance of that. He will always be remembered as the low-down, no good, lying, cheating, mean, psychopathic, evil, cruel... er, less than perfect person he has always been. It's tragic.

For all his faults and evil ways, he was still your brother, Herb and I'm sorry for your loss.

*reaches back without looking, and the valet places a fresh linen handkerchief in his hand which he then gives to Floradora. Putting an arm around her waist, he addresses Herb*

Much as I commiserate with you on the loss of a brother, sir, I cannot regret the demise of an entity who lied to and abducted my own Floradora, then kept her in this ... place, in penury and squalor. He was a scoundrel.

But now you are free, my darling. *he goes down on one knee* Will you marry me? Will you be my own Floradora Webjello Webjello-Bottomley III?

*the valet produces a ring with a 6-carat diamond*

*Lil knows something of Floradora's ordeal and is willing to play along for her sake*

I say, we have a vicar right here, don't we? *looks around for the Rev. Lovejello* And plenty of witnesses, too!

*unobtrusively moves the glenfiddich bottle out of sight*

*Dabs at her eyes with the hem of her filthy shirt. *

*Soaks a hanky in pickle juice and waves it under Garius' nose, trying to revive him.*

*from behind the handkerchief, Floradora sees the ring and her eyes widen before she hides her entire face*

[X] Mind if I angst about the lives I've taken?

[Zero] Meh, don't, wait 'till we're back home.

*Sees the way things are slicing up, and decides to fall back on his disguise*

Yer bet yer gotta preacher here! Jello we're gonna have a weddin'!

Only yer might wanna kill that fake preacher over there with the rabbit on his head first, 'cuz he might start shootin' any second.

*Struggles to get up out of the red wagon, and taking no notice of Carmel still being on his head walks over to where Herb is weeping over his shredded brother*

My deepest sympathies, sir. I too know the sorrow of having a twin brother lost to the rancid ways of the wicked. Allow me to say a few words.

*Pulls out his Bible, opens it to a page in the back, and begins to read*

"Backup plan: If all else fails, the device hidden in the Atelier will detonate."

*Looks at the cover of the book*

Why, this isn't my Bible!

*Now Carmel's dander is up!*

Oh, yeah, Reverend Lovesjelloshots! A rabbit, am I? Come over here and I'll show you a rabbit!!! (wispers)Um, can anyone tell me what means?

*As she had no idea what JelloWolf lobbed at her, it's a good thing it missed...

... the vegematic shrapnel also, generally, missed, although a pice did catch the soupgun a glancing blow, and it exploded.

Sol, however is unhurt, but covered in celery sludge. In addition to mash, the odd splodge of vinegar, and nameless other liquids.*

Sigh.

*wanders over to the rest of the posse*

Did he say something about something exploding in the Altelier?

*crawls out from underneath pews, slightly worried by the lacking noices of battle*

*dusts herself off*

*looks at love scene*

*looks at reverends*

*looks at very agitated Carmel with mild surprise*

*Groans, rolls over, mutters; "There are only so many mussels I can eat" and begins to snore lightly*

*helps Blue Bear to control the pugs while all this talking is going on*

*Half wakes*

No, no. It was ice cream I wanted. Pickles were my last pregnancy.

*Comes fully awake. Feels tummy. Sighs with relief.*

Oh hi, Witty. Nice hanky, but it smells of pickles. You know, I just had the strangest dream.

*Looks around and takes in the situation. Sees a dusty upper arm bone beside Sol.*

Well, at least SOMETHING humerus happened here.


The bone in your upper arm is called the humerus bone. That's what Jello Wolf threw at you.


*Gets up and walks around the church, looking at the weapons.*

Hey Affy! I think we could mount this cauliflowitzer on the mini-UFO. Be a shame for it to go to waste.

*clutching Floradora even tighter*

Sir!! Do not engage in profanity in the presence of ladies! If you are ordained, then so are my bearers. *laughs heartily at his own joke*

Yes, under the circumstances, it would be best if we were married immediately, but my dear Floradora deserves a chance to, ah, clean up before her nuptials. Let me give you this ring, my dear, as token of our engagement, and we shall be married as soon as we return to civilization.

Aww. Isn't this nice?

But there won't be time to make a wedding !

*speculatively*

Matina could make it.