h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The rate of fire of the Romaine Legion slows, as many of them are pausing to scratch.*

*As the stapler explodes, the carrotapult fires. The carrot projectiles cross the path of the staples, taking multiple hits and leaving only a few hundred staples to carry on towards the Vegimatic. Due to the multiple impacts, the staple-enhanced carrots change direction and plow into the left end of the Romaine Legion ranks, cutting the Legion numbers by a quarter. The crew of the carrotapult look up at The Celery and give him an "it wasn't our fault" shrug.

The remaining staples hit the vegematic and, oddly enough, spell out K-Tel on its side. Besides this, there appears to be no other effect, except perhaps an unusual rattling noise inside, vaguely audible over the slicing and dicing noises*

*An explosion occurs above him and the lid is blown off of his hiding place. Feeling suddenly exposed, he reacts with alarm and begins throwing whatever is near at hand at the closest posse members. A humerus sails towards Sol.*

*Scratches at an aphid behind his knee. Turns from the battle below to look at Floradora.*

My dear, things do not always turn out as we think they might, as you well know. The more intellegent of us have a back-up plan for such cases, so I am not without one myself. Although I will admit that if things don't turn around here soon, it will be a last resort I'll be forced to turn to. It would mean the end to years of planning and having to start again almost from scratch, but in time it would achieve the same ends.

*Shakes head. A few aphids fall out.*

It shouldn't have turned out this way. They should have scared witless and just paid the ransom. Who'd have thought those Salonistas would have resisted, much less come this far. I seriously underestimated them, and believe me, I won't make that mistake next time. Next time, I'll take out that whole Atelier first, starting with its miserable leader, Lil.

*holds up the test mint as if admiring the color and murmurs* This shade matches you, dear, very closely.

*turning slightly and looking the Celery in the eyes* Next time? Oh, I don't think my nerves could stand the strain!

*she suddenly brings the fake emerald down on the nape of his neck, right below the leaf stalks, at the same time sweeping his ankles out from under him*

Next time? I don't think so.

*Woody teeters on the edge of the Vegimatic intake chute, arms flailing in the air. He looks at Floradora in surprise, which turns to a grudging respect as he realizes he can't save himself.*

See you in hell, my dear.

*Woody falls into the maw of the Vegimatic. There is a wet cruching sound as Woody is sliced, diced, julienned and stapled. Moments later, a plastic clam-shell salad container is ejected from the bottom of the machine. The green contents are in very small pieces, mixed with staples.*

*Rushes over to the Vegimatic and picks up the plastic salad container.*

Woody!

*Tears run down his cheeks*

*There is an audible gasp and a shudder from the ranks of the clones as their prototype meets his end. All firing stops, then the clones turn and file out of the church. Once outside, they make their way up through the levels of the city and finally out onto the plain at the top of the cliff. There, they spread out, assume odd postures and become still. A rider passing by would only see an expanse of cacti.*

*Floradora teeters on the edge as she hurls the test mint down after him, but falls back against the railing, gasping, eyes wide*

*as the test mint hits the blades of the vegimatic, there is a terrible grinding noise*

*Wakes up and hears a terrible grinding noise. Looks over and sees the Vegimatic shaking violently. There is a sudden bang and a blade flys through the side of the machine, across the nave, slices through a column and smashes through a stained glass window. The Vegimatic then flys apart into a million pieces, one of which strikes GL on the head, knocking him out again.*

*ducks, hastily grabbing the frying pan, using it as a shield to protect herself from shrapnel and splinters from the Vegimatic*

*Lil, who stood up when Woody fell into the vegimatic, and was about to speak, now falls backward as Floradora lands on top of her*

*Crouches down in his sarcophagus as Vegimatic projectiles fly overhead. Sees his opportunity and leaps out of the sarcophagus, runs across the room and through the green door.*

[Zero spins his saber around like a propeller, disintegrating most of the shrapnel. X hides behind Zero.]

*A side door bursts open and a tall aristocratic-looking jello strides in, stops and strikes a heroic pose. His valet stops several paces behind him*

Floradora! My love! Where are you? I have come to rescue you!

*looks around and sees Floradora struggling to her feet from atop a supine researcher* Darling! It is I, James Arthur Webjello-Bottomley III, who never gave up the search and who has found you at last!

*James Arthur Webjello-Bottomley III strides over to Floradora and helps her to her feet. The valet follows, and behind him can be seen several footmen*

*now that the coast appears to be clear, steps out from behind the pillar, watches what could either be a touching reunion or blood bath, depending on the history between the two jellos*

I'm not sure what I need most first, and large meal, or shower

*as Floradora is helped to her feet, several expressions cros her face, beginning with bewilderment, followed by recognition and finishing with relief. The slight flicker of calculation preceding relief would only be discerned by the most unsympathetic onlooker*

James Arthur Webjello-Bottomley III! Oh! James Arthur Webjello-Bottomley III! *she begins to weep and leans her head upon his manly bespoke-tailor-clad bosom* You cannot begin to know what horrors I have endured!

*Affy stops firing pies from his revolver and looks around when he realizes that the fighting stopped. He heads over to the real Celery*

You okay, Herb?

*Lil stands up, shaking aphids out of her hair, and looks curiously at the newcomer and his retinue*