h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Go Red! Go Red!

Go Red! Go Red!

*shakes pom-poms*

Excusez-moi; Fleagionnaire standard issue underwear, it is not so comfortable on ze pom-poms.

*maintains intense focus on Sultana's every movement. Starts to slowly circle keeping his distance*

Hmmmm a Heron-mark blade QQ. A superbe piece of craftmanship ... perfecte balance, light, strong, supple and keeps an incredibly sharpe edge. Mai I aske where did you acquire ze sword - zere av been rumours of a lost Kingdom around zees parts for years.

*suddenly flicks out a lightening quick lunge at the Sultana*

Family heirloom. It saw action in the marmite wars. I keep it in good condition, and replaced the right-handed hand-guard with a left-handed one to suit my fighting style.

*with Saturn Girl in front, squeezes in the rear entrance*

*hears the clashing of swords, and prays that his identity hasn't yet been discovered by the cats*

Oh, I say, a Robert Jordan fan

*neatly sidesteps his lunge, knocking his blade to one side, then making a slash at his head*

What are you- half man, half dragon?

*blocks the Sultana's slash and gets nose to nose with her*

Non ! Wiz zis accent ridiculouse I can only be one zing - half frog

Ow do you like ze garlic breath by ze way ?

*hearing the clanging of swords, grabs her companion by the arm, unintentionally undoing part of his disguise, but being in such a rush, not looking back to be able to see what it reviels...*

Come on, we can't let anyone see us... Any idea where the weapon's supply room would be, mainly the explosive type?

*tries to grab his wig, but it is soon trampled to bits*



Uhhhhh... yes yes... right zis vay! Tvords zose arches over zere!
*grabs a nearby blanket and wraps it turban-style around his head... very loosely*

Not so fast, you two. You'll have to get through me first.
*exotic fighting stance*

*Lieutenant 'Eavyonehonehonehon appears bearing a decanter of port*

Just the ticket.
*Takes a swig.. err.. probably does it best*
Bring it on, kitties!

*shuffles up next to QQ...whispers..*

Zit is okay, comrade! Zit is I...Zapollo!! I am undercoover, zisguised as ze Cat You need not vorry about zis kitty here, I vill take plenty good care ov her...

Now, jus pretend zat I 'ave overcoom you in a vight, and ve vill move on

*wonders where her companion's turban came from, knowing it certainly wasn't there before, and that it most certainly isn't done right*

*SM's face is fixed, though the very observant may notice a slight hint of water in her eyes as she avoids the garlic*

I think it suits you perfectly, sir

*pushes him away with her sabre hilt, taking up her fighting stance and flourishing her sword as he stumbles backwards*

*is pushed back with such force that he retreats several paces and falls to one knee. Reaches down and picks up a handful of fine sand *

Zo, ze Garlic breath does not worry you eh Sultana.

*Returns to the fight flinging the sand in the Sultana's eyes and engaging her in a series of lightning blows to wear down her defence*

*throws*

*the thrown popcorn gets caught in an swirl of the desert wind and inadvertently hits Red in the eye blinding him as much as the Sultana. Both are now flailing around desperately trying to see properly*

Arrgghhh *flail* .... I know zat you're around ere somewhere Zultana. Aidez moi mon Colonel am I chaud or froid ? *flails to the left*

Aha! Very well. Ahem.
Oh! I am undone! Defeated! etc. etc.

Get going, then.

That's reeeeal convincing.;
"First he flails to the left,
Then he flails to the right;
Bravely, he flails on,
Never give up the fight!!!"