h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*distracted by the assault on the front wall is running around and shouting quite a bit*

Merde ! Sacre bleu !

*Grapple snags wall*
*Head emerges over parapet*
Excellent. Best not leave the line dangling here... *reels it in*

*watches RD running around madly with some amusement*

*Everything stops to watch Red go mango*
*The wind stops, all fighting stops, some circling vultures pause mid-wheel*

*swats fly*

*adds waving of hands in the air to running and shouting repertoire*

*Spontaneous applause*
Oop.
*Stops clapping*
That's let the metaphorical cat out of the bag.
*ducks*

*a single shot from a snipeures rifle sends his Kepi spinning off the top of his head to the dusty floor of the fort many metres below*

Now zat was not funny - ze Kepi was brand neu !

*falls off camel*

Ouch

*get trodden on by confused camel*

Ow

*points at Red Dog*
*points at Sergeant*
*points at sky*
*falls off wall*

*hears a shout behind him and turns to see a figuere in a desert cloak with the letters QQ embroidered on them fall off the wall. Luckily for the mysterious figure the landing is cushioned by a Fleagionaires Kepi with one hole in it which is crushed into the dust by the fall*

Zat was mon best Kepi !!

*shakes foot out of remains of Kepi*
*brushes dust off boot*
*sees Fleagionnaires looking at him*
Ah. Ah.
*sees indignant commanding officer*
Ah. Five second head-start, gentlemen?

Sure .... followed by ze traditional burying up to the neck in ze sand oui !

Would it help if I said I am not affiliated with the *spits* cats in any way?

*shrugs shoulders in a very gallic way*

It is un possibilitee.

*reaches carefully into jacket and produces his father's grail diary*
I've been on the trail of a rare journal. It recounts the journeys of an agent of my organsiation through the desert, and we would be very keen to get it back. According to our investigations *taps book*, it changed hands several times as fighting raged across the desert. Our trail runs as far as this fort.I was hoping to find either the journal itself or information as to its whereabouts.
*breaks out into sweat*

Hmmmm. We may av zeen your fathere ere at ze fort. Did ee speak weeth a slight speech impediment ecossais. Somezing like "schplendid fort you have here. A real shite for shore eyes" ?

Go zee ze Colonel at ze gates. I must deal with ze pesky chats.

Much obliged.
*moves to gates*

Mon pleasire, and now if you don't mind I must continue wiz mon duties.

*carries on with running, hand waving and shouting about the Cat attaque*

*makes camel move*

*gets up, slightly indignantly*