h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*gets out large tumbler and presses to wall*

I cannot eere anyzing burt maybe my equipement requires an oopgrade

*eyes stethoscope enviously*

Mais zat smell eez atrocious ..... where can eet be coming from ?

*Nostrils flare*
Ug.
*tucks stethoscope away*
I think we may have a breach.
*readies sabre in best dramatic pose*

*fixes ridiculously long bayonet to end of rifle*

How do you like your kitty kebab - very rare perhaps ?

Raw and steaming.

Prepare to repel ze boarders!

*gets out aerosol can of cat repellent*

*Sits cross-legged on floor*
I am one with my blade.
*hums*
Om si carnage om.
*Rises into stance of the fox*
I am ready.

*slides one very large onionion onto the end of his bayonet and readies a little capsicum, virgin olive oil and some eggplant*

Bien. I am all prepared and ready although I av noticed zat zere are no condiments or food flavourings pour les gastronomiques in ze Fort lately.

*the cats begin to climb over the walls*

*SM, having acquired a pistol, whip and sabre, stands behind a camel and pulls its tail*

*the camel squeals and kicks her over the wall*

......

*she lands directly infront of RD, poised and ready for battle*

So, we meet again

She's yours Red. Go to town.

*covers self in cat repellent*

*points Howlitzer at top of walls*

'Ere, Kitty kitty.

Mon dieu ! Ze Sultana eerself

En garde Chat

*brings rifle up to the ready position*

*the onionion and the bayonet drops off the end into the sand*

Bougeurre !

*flicks whip, knocking the rifle out of his hand*

*brings sabre into 'Guarde' position and assumes the correct fighting stance, still holding the whip in her left hand and with her pistol stashed in her belt*

If I were you, I'd find a sword

No time to tremble, run her through. Remember:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

(From Frank Herbert's Dune)

Here!
*throws sabre to RD*

Unlucky for you Chat I am ze finest fencer in ze entire Foreign Fleagion. I can erect trellis like nobodies beezness.

Burt enough of zis larking around.

*with one eye on the Sultana he throws his rifle on to the ground, reaches over his shoulder and brandishes a new weapon*

Hah ! Now you are in ze merde !

*notices that he has un baguette in his hand instead of his sabre*

*notices QQ's sabre on the ground _and_ a curious look in the Sultana's eye*

*looks at RD curiously*

That baguette looks like it means business..

*uses the point of her sabre to flick the sword on the floor up and into RD's hand*

*salutes and attacks*

*Recovers sabre and shakes head sadly*
Such lack of co-ordination. T'will be the death of us all.
I hope you both did your stretching excercises, otherwise you'll get cramp.

Okaay. simulpost. I'll just go and lie down for a while

*catches the Sabre and comes smoothly into a perfect Flying Swallow stance straight from the 'way of the sword manual'*

You will av to do better zan zat Sultana *grins*